Suicidality in Emergency Services Workers

[miyabi]

it's such a strange feeling because I almost don't feel welcome on this site because of my job, I've been on the opposite end of mental health detentions.

I've seen the way hospital and ambulance staff treat suicidal patients and the thought of knowing they'd view me the same way if I end up killing myself is overwhelming. I've had SN for years but haven't been able to do it.

I've been considering the thought of psychological assessment for potential PTSD but no doubt it would end up being the next gossip topic. It's fucking disgusting. I feel like im one of the only people in this job that joined because I could relate to that feeling of helplessness. I can't even leave because I have no other career prospects.

I guess I'm just looking to see if there's anyone else in a similar situation. I can't ever be myself at work and it feels wrong posting here both because it "goes against my job" and because most people here probably view people like me as the enemy.

I have no family ties so no doubt it will be one of my colleagues booting in my door to discover my body when I fail to show up to work, and it's just going to be another incident to gossip about.

 

[peacebenow]

you are welcome here.

 

[miyabi]

Don't have the confidence to do the full protocol so I'm rolling the dice. Eyeballing 0.5-1 gram or so of SN.

Fully dissolved, test kit available but haven't used it. Feeling lucky..

First sip at 1017. Tastes about the same as salt water.
1022 - Heart rate up to 107bpm. Can't tell if nerves or if the SN is having an effect. Very sllightly dizzy. Comparable to low dose of nicotine. HR peaking at 120 currently.
1025 - HR 113. No change in symptoms. Going to finish the full amount.
1026 - Full amount consumed. Estimated 0.5g or so.
1035- hr 115, pounding in the chest and slight pressure in the head. don't feel any other symptoms. considering a slight further wait and adding another 0.5g or so.
1041 - second glass consumed, again eyeballing ~0.5g. could be completely wrong on the density and it might be a lot less than it seems visually.
1046 - Headache. Third glass consumed, same amount.
1047 - Blood oxygen reading of 95% from apple watch.
1051 - Symptoms are still pretty minor. Gone with a 1ml measuring spoon, which twitches between 0g and 1g on a digital scale. Fourth glass consumed, probably 2x the amount of previous glasses. Noticeably saltier, still tastes like regular salt water.
1052 - Blood oxygen reading of 96%. Suspecting SN is degraded.
1055 - Another 1ml of powder consumed.
1102 - Stood up to check the mirror. HR 146. Fingertips and lips look very slightly discoloured. Hard to tell if I'm imagining it.
1108 - Antoher 1ml. 158bpm peak.
1110 - SPO2 92%. Heart pounding is much stronger. Feel a lot more dizzy. Losing some coloiurfrom vision.
1116 - vision very affected, guess it;'s real. heart rate extrtemely pounding struggling to see. spo2 ui90%

 

[SASU-KE]

Don't have the confidence to do the full protocol so I'm rolling the dice. Eyeballing 0.5-1 gram or so of SN.

Fully dissolved, test kit available but haven't used it. Feeling lucky..

First sip at 1017. Tastes about the same as salt water.
1022 - Heart rate up to 107bpm. Can't tell if nerves or if the SN is having an effect. Very sllightly dizzy. Comparable to low dose of nicotine. HR peaking at 120 currently.
1025 - HR 113. No change in symptoms. Going to finish the full amount.
1026 - Full amount consumed. Estimated 0.5g or so.

You're using 0.5g?You're setting yourself up for a lot of trouble. You may become unconscious but not actually catch the bus. But there have also been cases where 1G has taken people's lives.
Not recommended though.

PSA - DO NOT test-ingest SN

As users are aware, this platform advocates for personal bodily autonomy and supports individuals' rational choices regarding how they wish to live or die. However, there have been recent posts from users who have been "testing" their sodium nitrite (SN) supply—not for the purpose of an actual...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[miyabi]

You're using 0.5g?You're setting yourself up for a lot of trouble. You may become unconscious but not actually catch the bus. But there have also been cases where 1G has taken people's lives.

Yeah, I know. Guess I can't psychologically check out with the full amount, so I'm just rolling the dice and seeing whatever happens.

 

[SASU-KE]

Yeah, I know. Guess I can't psychologically check out with the full amount, so I'm just rolling the dice and seeing whatever happens.

But isn't this what you're afraid of? Your coworkers finding you and you waking up in the hospital.
It's apparently very uncomfortable. Rapid heartbeat,anxiety.

Please be sure,it's not recommended at all.

 

[flyingangel]

Yeah, I know. Guess I can't psychologically check out with the full amount, so I'm just rolling the dice and seeing whatever happens.

Whatever happens, I hope you find peace. Remember if you change your mind you can always call the ambulance

 

[miyabi]

But isn't this what you're afraid of? Your coworkers finding you and you waking up in the hospital.
It's apparently very uncomfortable. Rapid heartbeat,anxiety.

Please be sure,it's not recommended at all.

I don't think I'd be found until I'm long dead, if it went that far.

Whatever happens, I hope you find peace. Remember if you change your mind you can always call the ambulance

Thanks. I'm doubtful that it's going to do anything - I feel like it's just a nocebo from the nerves and it's either bunk or degraded when I broke the seal years ago.
starting to stuimbre. feel like goinmg to psads out
Blood oxygen 84 can't stand to computer using phone lips very blue.sn real can't walk legs feel like collapsing. Very logout ringing ears hands can't stop shaking