suicidal

[depressivegothwhore]

Hi, I'm new here. I've been thinking about suicide a lot and I have already been hospitalized for attempting twice, one of them was recent. Sometimes I just don't know if I want to end my pain or my life but either way I've been in pain since I was 11 and I can't remember of being genuinely happy anytime after it started. I tried to tho... it's been some weeks that I can't get out of my bed, I literally stay in bed the whole day and only get up to go to the bathroom, I almost can't eat and I sleep more than 12 hours at day. I live with my boyfriend and he doesn't know what to do, I don't even want to have sex anymore and when I do I'm just faking that I'm enjoying, I can't enjoy anything anymore. I have a chronic illness that make me feel physical pain almost all of the time and I also have a personality disorder that makes so hard to being alive. I don't know what to do, sometimes I think that maybe it will get better but mostly I just don't kill my self cause I'm afraid of dying alone and that it may exist some kind of afterlife... I already asked my boyfriend so many times to hold my hand and just let me go in peace but he says I'm selfish tho I just want to rest. I don't even know what kind of help do I want.... do u guys think I should just do it? what do u consider to be the best method? I've tried pills and I hate it, I have tried hang myself and it was fine (my boyfriend was at home and "saved" me) tho I've tried another time and I fell of the hope. Please know that he's always at home so I prefer to be a quiet method or something that it won't affect him as well.

Hi, I'm new here. I've been thinking about suicide a lot and I have already been hospitalized for attempting twice, one of them was recent. Sometimes I just don't know if I want to end my pain or my life but either way I've been in pain since I was 11 and I can't remember of being genuinely happy anytime after it started. I tried to tho... it's been some weeks that I can't get out of my bed, I literally stay in bed the whole day and only get up to go to the bathroom, I almost can't eat and I sleep more than 12 hours at day. I live with my boyfriend and he doesn't know what to do, I don't even want to have sex anymore and when I do I'm just faking that I'm enjoying, I can't enjoy anything anymore. I have a chronic illness that make me feel physical pain almost all of the time and I also have a personality disorder that makes so hard to being alive. I don't know what to do, sometimes I think that maybe it will get better but mostly I just don't kill my self cause I'm afraid of dying alone and that it may exist some kind of afterlife... I already asked my boyfriend so many times to hold my hand and just let me go in peace but he says I'm selfish tho I just want to rest. I don't even know what kind of help do I want.... do u guys think I should just do it? what do u consider to be the best method? I've tried pills and I hate it, I have tried hang myself and it was fine (my boyfriend was at home and "saved" me) tho I've tried another time and I fell of the hope. Please know that he's always at home so I prefer to be a quiet method or something that it won't affect him as well.

Just letting u guys know that English it's not my native language so forgive me for any mistakes

 

[MiseryLovesMyCompany]

I'm sorry to hear that you are in such a bad condition. I can't encourage you nor recommend you a method, but you can choose from the resource compilation list:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/suicide-resource-compilation.3/

However, I can tell you that under no circumstances should you try OD (with most meds) or cutting. I mean it is your choice but failure is almost guaranteed.
If you want to do this at home then you won't have that many options, and neither of them is completely silent.

Also, welcome to SS, I hope this site will help you in whatever you desire. I'm sure you'll find many like-minded people here.

 

[ravergirl]

Don't worry about your English. We're an international community here, and I understand you just fine.

Also, I love your screen name. And I'm sorry you're suffering so much.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I don't even want to have sex anymore and when I do I'm just faking that I'm enjoying, I can't enjoy anything anymore

Sounds like anhedonia to me I too can´t feel pleasure in doing anything not even sex.

he says I'm selfish tho I just want to rest.

"No one asked to be born so everyone have the right to die" never forget that, it´s not selfish to kill one self what is selfish is forcing other people who are suffering to stay alive even despite them having suffered for years or decades because "you must live" why? In adulthood the carefree life is over and there are more hardship than reward so it makes no sense to "live" since we do not live but merely exist and just to exist you need to spend the majority of your existence on a job you don´t like just to be able to afford a roof over your head, food, bills etc. i.e. just so you can keep suffering makes no sense.

But back on topic and I might step on some toes here but it´s just a fact and facts don´t care about peoples feelings. As I said it´s not selfish to kill one self since we never consented to being born so we have every right do end it when we want it but what is in fact selfish is having children, people don´t have children because life is such an amazing ride all the way through i.e. a paradise they have kids because that is what THEY want with no regard to if the child would end up suffering and want to end it but it´s a hard way out this is basically a natalistic view on the matter of suicide i.e. no existence no happiness sure but there won´t be any pain and suffering either so none existence is better.

And it´s also very selfish for people to tell suicidal people who are suffering that they can´t do it; family or boyfriend/girlfriend emotionally blackmails suicidal people because THEY don´t want you to die which is understandable but it is in fact for selfish reasons. And I can´t stand how pro-life or rather forced-life people are like if they see someone who have hung themselves and are unconscious that person hanging there clearly made THEIR choice to end it but these forced-lifers feel that just because THEY don´t want people to commit suicide they act on their own forced-life views like who are they to decide the fait of another person´s life? And if the person who hung himself/herself is "saved" at the wrong time like after several minutes they might become paralyzed or a vegetable but that doesn´t matter to forced-lifers right because as long as the heart beats it´s all that counts so it doesn´t matter which condition a person is in right? Like people who are braindead lying in the hospital kept artificial alive is somehow right because as long as the heart beats it´s all that matters.

Btw sorry for my rant gonna stop now I always write too much. And also I couldn´t help but noticing your name are you Goth I used to be too and loved that look and still do just curious since it´s rare to see Emo, Goth, Punk, Scene or any alternative looks like that anymore.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Sorry you're coping with all this, feels bad man

 

[depressivegothwhore]

I thought about cutting but I've both of my arms covered in tats and it scares me the possibility of surviving and ruin my tattoos and also I've tried once but couldn't finish it so idk I have my antidepressants tho I have researched and it would take a lot more than I can get to die so I've been thinking about mixing with Xanax and alcohol...
I would say there's more alternative people around right now than it was a couple of years ago! Especially goths, it has become some kind of trend between teens... I just love the goth subculture in general so.. I think people should normalize the choice of not living anymore when we're sick and can't handle the pain, when you're in pain and everyone just say for u to live with it doesn't even make sense cause they're not the ones feeling this way, it is indeed selfish.
btw I know it sucks not being able to feel pleasure! I thought in my case maybe it was because some of the meds I was taking but I've stopped taking them and I'm only on antidepressants right know but still the same.