Suicidal while I still experience joy

[willitpass]

I'm at a very odd point in life. I genuinely enjoy many things in my life right now. I seek out new experiences, I actively work on learning new things, both academically and for leisure. I've found a new hobby and continue to participate in old hobbies. I love my job. I have many things that truly give me happiness. Real happiness. Yet I still want to die. If I died today I would not be upset. I've made some passive attempts lately, and I have true, active plans in my head for what I could do. I'm not even sure what I feel. If I feel so much true happiness why do I still wish to die? Isn't suicide supposed to be for unhappy people. It's very odd. In my years and years of suicidality I don't think I've ever been this happy while also being suicidal.

 

[notherenotnow]

Being suicidal doesnt mean you cant be happy or have something to live for.
I laugh a lot nowdays as I have found myself a few nice friends and I sometimes feel better than ever before, but if somebody offered me euthanasia I would accept it without a second thought. Just because you want to die doesnt mean you cant experience happiness anymore.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Being suicidal doesn't necessarily have anything to do with happiness, despite how society likes to portray it. You could be the happiest person around and have everything you could ever have wanted from life and still be one of the most suicidal people out there. Wanting to die doesn't mean you aren't happy. It just means that happiness in itself isn't enough to make you want to keep on living and that is fine.


I personally do see bits of beauty in this world, despite all the ugliness all over the place. I still feel joy and happiness. For me, it isn't a question of whether I'm happy or if I can't see the beauty of life, but rather it's a question of whether that is enough for me to want to keep on living. Are those things worth enough for me to want to be alive? For me, the answer is no. They aren't.


There is nothing odd about what you are going through. All of what you have described is completely normal. For some people, happiness alone is worth it, but for others, it isn't. Suicide isn't about whether you are happy or not. That's just something society wants to have you believe because it is easier to rationalize suicidal ideation as just something you go through when you are unhappy, rather than to acknowledge how complex people's feelings and motivations for ctbing are.

 

[stuckinthemud]

I'm at a very odd point in life. I genuinely enjoy many things in my life right now. I seek out new experiences, I actively work on learning new things, both academically and for leisure. I've found a new hobby and continue to participate in old hobbies. I love my job. I have many things that truly give me happiness. Real happiness. Yet I still want to die. If I died today I would not be upset. I've made some passive attempts lately, and I have true, active plans in my head for what I could do. I'm not even sure what I feel. If I feel so much true happiness why do I still wish to die? Isn't suicide supposed to be for unhappy people. It's very odd. In my years and years of suicidality I don't think I've ever been this happy while also being suicidal.

Maybe you should see a therapist ? I would do anything to feel a moment of joy

 

[willitpass]

Maybe you should see a therapist ? I would do anything to feel a moment of joy

I've seen every type of therapist available, every style of therapy, every level of intensity, including 2 cumulative years inpatient. I've tried every medication and none worked. I've had shock therapy. I've done every treatment available to me. That is not my issue. I think I'm just destined to be suicidal

 

[Forever Sleep]

Do you feel like you know why you want to die or, is it just a feeling? Do you want to avoid a future that you're worried about? Have you had ideation for a long time? Not being funny but, could it just be a habit? A thought pattern you've had so often, you drift back into it- no matter your mood? I don't know if that's possible. Is it a really intense wish to die or is it more fickle?

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I'm the same way. I've had very little time in my life that I haven't been suicidal and it's through all mood seasons. I've also been through pretty much all the treatment one with depression can get. I feel destined for suicide; I have to kill myself. My therapist doesn't get that. Does anyone else?

 

[willitpass]

I'm the same way. I've had very little time in my life that I haven't been suicidal and it's through all mood seasons. I've also been through pretty much all the treatment one with depression can get. I feel destined for suicide; I have to kill myself. My therapist doesn't get that. Does anyone else?

I feel the exact same way. I've been suicidal since I was a 9. There's no more treatment left for me. I feel destined for suicide. I don't know when or how, but I know it will happen.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

Ever thought it could be that feeling of..what's the quote? Quit while you're ahead?
I mean, it's possible that on some level, you're content in so many aspects already that you kinda have this feeling that "yeah, im good, i dont wanna overstay my welcome."

 

[0000000000000]

Well, i think it's one thing to experience 'happiness', 'comfort' or 'joy' but it's a very different thing to experience a 'life worth living', deciding what's worth it or not is up to each individual.

For a person to decide that 'it's worth it', it takes many factors and interactions combined to produce that result.

Someone may have a lot of money (one factor) or even go through all the 'treatments' currently available for depression but if that does not produce the appropriate interactions with the other factors, it's unlikely that high economic wealth or all avaliable 'treatments' will favor the result of a 'life worth living'.

By factors i mean a huge number of things, from genetics, the environment in which you live/lived, the systems that exist in this world, the relationships between people, past experiences, mental processes of each person, etc, etc, etc. (although i think these would be more like sets of factors because there are a lot more variables within those things).

It's also worth mentioning that there are factors that we will hardly be aware of, we will die without knowing 100% of all the factors that influenced a result.

It's difficult for me to verbalize what i truly think.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I feel the exact same way. I've been suicidal since I was a 9. There's no more treatment left for me. I feel destined for suicide. I don't know when or how, but I know it will happen.

Thank you so much. I've never met anyone who could relate to that. If you don't mind me asking, did you have a lot of childhood trauma? I'm just curious where exactly that chronic suicidality stems from.

 

[willitpass]

Thank you so much. I've never met anyone who could relate to that. If you don't mind me asking, did you have a lot of childhood trauma? I'm just curious where exactly that chronic suicidality stems from.

I experienced severe childhood trauma in a variety of ways. An incidence of sexual abuse, an incredibly nasty divorce that involved being kidnapped by my mother, an abusive mother. I also have a very strong genetic predisposition to mental illness, so when combined with the trauma is created a perfect storm. I had serious anger issues as a young child, and interestingly as soon as the temper tantrums and outward showing of emotions stopped, within months I became severely depressed, suicidal, and was self harming.

I honestly believe the fact that I became suicidal at such a young age is one of the main factors into my treatment resistance. The brain is at such a vital developmental point at 9 that being so mentally unwell I think caused my brain to develop wrong. Now that I'm at the age where my brain is nearly fully developed I truly don't think I'll ever be able to unlearn my yearning for death.

 

[ManByTheRiver]

I feel the exact same way. I've been suicidal since I was a 9. There's no more treatment left for me. I feel destined for suicide. I don't know when or how, but I know it will happen.

Same mate, I have very happy moments and I'm successful in life. Still I've been having suicidal ideation ever since I was a child, I did have some very, very rough years in between the start and now, but I am quite "happy", though I think the better word is content nowadays. I don't know when, but I know I will commit suicide, be it in a few days or in decades.

 

[willitpass]

Same mate, I have very happy moments and I'm successful in life. Still I've been having suicidal ideation ever since I was a child, I did have some very, very rough years in between the start and now, but I am quite "happy", though I think the better word is content nowadays. I don't know when, but I know I will commit suicide, be it in a few days or in decades.

I feel every word of that. I've had the feeling of being destined for suicide since I was 12.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I experienced severe childhood trauma in a variety of ways. An incidence of sexual abuse, an incredibly nasty divorce that involved being kidnapped by my mother, an abusive mother. I also have a very strong genetic predisposition to mental illness, so when combined with the trauma is created a perfect storm. I had serious anger issues as a young child, and interestingly as soon as the temper tantrums and outward showing of emotions stopped, within months I became severely depressed, suicidal, and was self harming.

I honestly believe the fact that I became suicidal at such a young age is one of the main factors into my treatment resistance. The brain is at such a vital developmental point at 9 that being so mentally unwell I think caused my brain to develop wrong. Now that I'm at the age where my brain is nearly fully developed I truly don't think I'll ever be able to unlearn my yearning for death.

I'm so so sorry for all the trauma you dealt with, omg. It makes perfect sense. I also had a lot of childhood trauma and a strong genetic predisposition. I always thought it was the perfect storm too. Inevitable that I'd be suicidal all the time. Hugs to you (if you're cool w that).