suicidal students

[バラの心]

Im in pharmacy school, and I'm suicidal. Just wondering if anyone out there who is a student or works a lot has any advice to give on how to keep going. its just so hard all the time.
the only thing keeping me alive is the fact that i want to care for my my younger siblings and parents when i finish school. but every day, it gets harder.

 

[sakakap]

In my experience the most important thing for people like us is knowing our own pace. When I do more than I'm capable of handling I tend to get burnt out fairly quickly, usually resulting in me staying home for weeks at a time. I'm not sure where you're from but in Europe there's quite a few accomodations available if you have mental health issues. Other than that I think it mostly comes down to continuing to take care of yourself both physically & mentally.

Also don't compare yourself to your classmates or be too harsh on yourself if things aren't going as well as you'd like them to. You're dealing with completely different (and probably signicantly more severe) challenges than they are so be patient and give yourself the time you need :)

 

[バラの心]

In my experience the most important thing for people like us is knowing our own pace. When I do more than I'm capable of handling I tend to get burnt out fairly quickly, usually resulting in me staying home for weeks at a time. I'm not sure where you're from but in Europe there's quite a few accomodations available if you have mental health issues. Other than that I think it mostly comes down to continuing to take care of yourself both physically & mentally.

Also don't compare yourself to your classmates or be too harsh on yourself if things aren't going as well as you'd like them to. You're dealing with completely different (and probably signicantly more severe) challenges than they are so be patient and give yourself the time you need :)

Thank you so much ♥︎ this genuinely means so much to me. I hope you yourself are taking care of yourself. As it gets nearer to the winter months and exam season, its easier to feel really down. But maybe it'll make you feel better that made you made a girl across the ocean from you smile today haha.
It can feel really isolating learning about health and wellness and taking care of patients while i can hardly care for my own mental state. Learning to be a functional member of society while also having a death wish is a real task lmfao.
I'll be patient with myself and be better about not comparing myself with others. This is lovely advice, thank you again and you were really sweet to reply. I'm sure this will help out someone else out there too.

 

[Kurwenal]

School and university are particularly rough times in life, in my experience. It can be easy to feel that your worth as a human being is boiled down to a number, that your grades define you and your success at being a person.

Speaking personally, when I was at university, good grades were just as awful as bad ones, if not worse than them. I get a bad grade, I take that as a failure of the self. I wasn't good enough. But good grades worked more insidiously. Because if I got a perfect GPA one semester, then I know that my overall GPA can only go down after that. Unless I maintained a perfect GPA throughout the whole degree, it could never be good enough. And then, even after that degree, there was postgraduate study …

University is rough in that you don't have a 9 to 5 timeslot in which you do things and are then done. A lot of jobs in life work like that: you turn up, you do what you need to do in the time you are given, you clock out, and you go home and you're done. Certainly you'll likely fret over things you did wrong while on the job, or stress about the day to come, but ultimately, the job itself defines what you can put into it. Of course, there are jobs that aren't like that. I was a teacher once. I didn't work from 9 to 3 each day, contrary to what many people believe. I never stopped working. Doctors face a similar problem.

With university, my recommendations are these, for my past self, and hopefully for you:
1. Recognize that you are not a number. Your grades do not define your value as a person. They don't even define your knowledge of whatever was being tested. They are a representation of a snapshot, of two or so hours in an exam hall under extreme stress. You are more than that.
2. Learn your limit. Know when to accept that something is good enough. Know when to close the laptop and go outside, or listen to music, or see a friend. It's very possible to spend every waking hour of your 4 or more years at university obsessing over making every piece of assessment worth it. It will only end in sadness.

I can speak from personal experience. I dedicated everything I had, every moment of every day, to my studies. I am now a deeply broken person. Please, learn to care for yourself.

The fact that you want to care for your family: this is a sign that you are a good person. The fact that you went into pharmacy, a field for helping the ill: this is a sign that you are a good person. Don't let yourself get in your own way.

In hindsight, I'd estimate that if I'd spent, say, 60% of my waking hours studying and the rest 'living', I probably would have been able to finish post-grad. As it was, there was no balance, and there was no hope for someone who put in everything into study. Diminishing returns, and all that.

Sorry for the ramble. I just hope you can find a path to happiness for yourself.

 

[sakakap]

No worries! I'm doing my best, though winter coming up definitely does make it a lot harder. Are you going to school in Japan or in the US? I figured you were from Japan given your username but I'm starting to question that now lol.
Oh I can definitely relate :'), I started this degree a month ago and it's already such a struggle. I'm lowkey glad I don't have to learn about health and wellness though, I don't think I'd be able to handle that with my current state of mind. I'm so glad that attendance is optional too because I would've been absolutely screwed otherwise haha. How long do you have left? I'm sure it'll start getting quite a bit easier once you can feel the final months coming closer.
Yeah it can be really difficult but it's necessary. Comparing yourself just makes you feel so much worse, for some reason you never end up focusing on the things that are going well. I'm just glad it ended up helping at least one person lmao, sometimes it's very hard to tell whether something you wrote actually has an impact on someone or whether it just got scoffed at.
It's always sad to see someone return to this forum after a long hiatus. Did you feel better the last 2 years or was there another reason? If that is why you left you could maybe use that as motivation too! Otherwise forget I said anything lol

 

[バラの心]

School and university are particularly rough times in life, in my experience. It can be easy to feel that your worth as a human being is boiled down to a number, that your grades define you and your success at being a person.

Speaking personally, when I was at university, good grades were just as awful as bad ones, if not worse than them. I get a bad grade, I take that as a failure of the self. I wasn't good enough. But good grades worked more insidiously. Because if I got a perfect GPA one semester, then I know that my overall GPA can only go down after that. Unless I maintained a perfect GPA throughout the whole degree, it could never be good enough. And then, even after that degree, there was postgraduate study …

University is rough in that you don't have a 9 to 5 timeslot in which you do things and are then done. A lot of jobs in life work like that: you turn up, you do what you need to do in the time you are given, you clock out, and you go home and you're done. Certainly you'll likely fret over things you did wrong while on the job, or stress about the day to come, but ultimately, the job itself defines what you can put into it. Of course, there are jobs that aren't like that. I was a teacher once. I didn't work from 9 to 3 each day, contrary to what many people believe. I never stopped working. Doctors face a similar problem.

With university, my recommendations are these, for my past self, and hopefully for you:
1. Recognize that you are not a number. Your grades do not define your value as a person. They don't even define your knowledge of whatever was being tested. They are a representation of a snapshot, of two or so hours in an exam hall under extreme stress. You are more than that.
2. Learn your limit. Know when to accept that something is good enough. Know when to close the laptop and go outside, or listen to music, or see a friend. It's very possible to spend every waking hour of your 4 or more years at university obsessing over making every piece of assessment worth it. It will only end in sadness.

I can speak from personal experience. I dedicated everything I had, every moment of every day, to my studies. I am now a deeply broken person. Please, learn to care for yourself.

The fact that you want to care for your family: this is a sign that you are a good person. The fact that you went into pharmacy, a field for helping the ill: this is a sign that you are a good person. Don't let yourself get in your own way.

In hindsight, I'd estimate that if I'd spent, say, 60% of my waking hours studying and the rest 'living', I probably would have been able to finish post-grad. As it was, there was no balance, and there was no hope for someone who put in everything into study. Diminishing returns, and all that.

Sorry for the ramble. I just hope you can find a path to happiness for yourself.

Thank you so much for your heartfelt words. Honestly, from what you've said about your experiences, you sound like a really fascinating person. You are deeply kind too, so I hope you remember to take care of yourself and your peace before all else. You gave really good advice that I will definitely use (especially since I have five exams this week </3)
What I've learned in my years trying to keep living is that you must have a reason, an obsession that keeps you here. I became obsessed with hopefully one day being able to leave enough money to financially support my family. I care for them, but in the end, my motives are entirely selfish. Until then, I've let my fascination with other people guide me through life. I figure that I will take my life one day, so I might as well do whatever i want until then.
I hope you find a path to happiness for yourself as well. You have a beautiful heart and must be very educated, from what I can tell. You deserve more.

No worries! I'm doing my best, though winter coming up definitely does make it a lot harder. Are you going to school in Japan or in the US? I figured you were from Japan given your username but I'm starting to question that now lol.
Oh I can definitely relate :'), I started this degree a month ago and it's already such a struggle. I'm lowkey glad I don't have to learn about health and wellness though, I don't think I'd be able to handle that with my current state of mind. I'm so glad that attendance is optional too because I would've been absolutely screwed otherwise haha. How long do you have left? I'm sure it'll start getting quite a bit easier once you can feel the final months coming closer.
Yeah it can be really difficult but it's necessary. Comparing yourself just makes you feel so much worse, for some reason you never end up focusing on the things that are going well. I'm just glad it ended up helping at least one person lmao, sometimes it's very hard to tell whether something you wrote actually has an impact on someone or whether it just got scoffed at.
It's always sad to see someone return to this forum after a long hiatus. Did you feel better the last 2 years or was there another reason? If that is why you left you could maybe use that as motivation too! Otherwise forget I said anything lol

I'm glad you're doing your best, you're such an inspiration haha. And I go to school in the US! Im half japanese and half american; I lived in tokyo for the better part of my youth. But I think I'm really just a southern girl at heart lol.
Wow, you started a month ago! That's a huge adjustment, definitely take a moment here and there to like recoordinate and just make sure you're doing alright. And optional attendance in great, but don't let it get the best of you lollllll. I started pharmacy school in August, so I wont be done for four more years! Thankfully I enjoy it for the most part.
And of course ♥︎ it really meant a lot that you left such a kind comment. It feels weird coming on here and just complaining sometimes, but you really made my night.
And i can't believe you noticed that! Actually I've lurked on this sit for many years, and I've been "this way" for the majority of my life at this point. I've just recently gotten to a more desperate state of mind than before I guess? It really makes me feel less alone knowing that not everyone in the world is pro life ;)

 

[Kurwenal]

Thank you so much for your heartfelt words. Honestly, from what you've said about your experiences, you sound like a really fascinating person. You are deeply kind too, so I hope you remember to take care of yourself and your peace before all else. You gave really good advice that I will definitely use (especially since I have five exams this week </3)
What I've learned in my years trying to keep living is that you must have a reason, an obsession that keeps you here. I became obsessed with hopefully one day being able to leave enough money to financially support my family. I care for them, but in the end, my motives are entirely selfish. Until then, I've let my fascination with other people guide me through life. I figure that I will take my life one day, so I might as well do whatever i want until then.
I hope you find a path to happiness for yourself as well. You have a beautiful heart and must be very educated, from what I can tell. You deserve more.

Thank you for your kindness. I hope my experience can in some way help to lighten yours. The shadow of having five exams in one week is overwhelming, most certainly. I used to listen to a single song on repeat as I waited outside the examination halls, my 'going out in a blaze of glory' song. It's probably what I'll listen to as I die, now that I think about it. I still use it when I know I'm going into a hopeless situation. Hopefully you have methods that work for you to set yourself at peace with what comes next, be it an exam or anything. I really do wish you the best for your exams this week.

I know very, very well how hard it is to do this, but please remember that these exams are just a single moment in time. And their outcome kind of works both ways. A very special man I looked up to greatly in my personal life failed high school, took a bridging course, failed his first year of university, continued that course, eventually graduated, never worked in that field, went back to university, failed his final exams, continued once more, and went on to a career that did a great deal of good to many, many people. I got what would be considered good grades, had a lifetime of opportunities before me, and ruined it for myself, entirely by my own hand. Your grades in any one exam mean nothing to who you are, for better or for worse. So please, remember that. Try your hardest to be who you want to be. That's what matters.

I'm glad you have found your obsession to continue living for now. I don't think it's in any way selfish to want to provide for your family. I think it's very admirable. I like your attitude of doing what you wish to do until the day you take your life. I wish you all the freedom possible to do what you hope to do and that when the day comes, you can be at peace with what has come before.

I'm glad you came here to express your feelings. Often the words we get from the professionals can ring hollow, as they haven't lived what we have lived. I can only say that the time spent studying will be hard, and it will be trying. I sincerely hope you find a way to overcome that, and do what you wish to do until the end comes. Thank you for your kind words in return, once more.

 

[sakakap]

I'm glad you're doing your best, you're such an inspiration haha. And I go to school in the US! Im half japanese and half american; I lived in tokyo for the better part of my youth. But I think I'm really just a southern girl at heart lol.
Wow, you started a month ago! That's a huge adjustment, definitely take a moment here and there to like recoordinate and just make sure you're doing alright. And optional attendance in great, but don't let it get the best of you lollllll. I started pharmacy school in August, so I wont be done for four more years! Thankfully I enjoy it for the most part.
And of course ♥︎ it really meant a lot that you left such a kind comment. It feels weird coming on here and just complaining sometimes, but you really made my night.
And i can't believe you noticed that! Actually I've lurked on this sit for many years, and I've been "this way" for the majority of my life at this point. I've just recently gotten to a more desperate state of mind than before I guess? It really makes me feel less alone knowing that not everyone in the world is pro life ;)

Aw thanks, I can't say I feel like one lmao. What makes you feel southern? (besides riding horses obviously )
I was actually supposed to fly to Tokyo a few months ago but sadly that fell through. Still kind of salty I didn't get to visit Nara lol . Optional attendance really is a lifesaver (pun definitely intended), though it can be hard to motivate yourself to go. Especially when the workload is light enough that you don't really need to.
Ah so you just started as well. I mean it's good that you enjoy it; as long as it doesn't feel like a chore I think you'll get quite far. It usually doesn't begin falling apart until after you start dreading it.
Did you start feeling worse because of school or is that coincidental?

 

[バラの心]

Aw thanks, I can't say I feel like one lmao. What makes you feel southern? (besides riding horses obviously )
I was actually supposed to fly to Tokyo a few months ago but sadly that fell through. Still kind of salty I didn't get to visit Nara lol . Optional attendance really is a lifesaver (pun definitely intended), though it can be hard to motivate yourself to go. Especially when the workload is light enough that you don't really need to.
Ah so you just started as well. I mean it's good that you enjoy it; as long as it doesn't feel like a chore I think you'll get quite far. It usually doesn't begin falling apart until after you start dreading it.
Did you start feeling worse because of school or is that coincidental?

I've lived in a small "city" in Kentucky for most of my life. I really identify with the kindness of the people in the particular place I live, and it makes me proud to have gotten to grow up around these people :) And yes, we ride horses once in a while! Of course some people are racist and dumb, but I wouldn't say that's a purely Southern thing lol. And what makes you not feel like a Southerner if you don't mind me asking?
An thank you so much for your supportive words! I hope you get to meet some Nara deer one day by the way haha. I think that what made things hard for me was living alone. It's my first time living away from home in a new area, and it gets really difficult sometimes. I think the speed of the academic program I'm in also decreases the amount of time I have to do literally anything but study haha. How are things for you? What brings you down the most, and what do you do about it?