suicidal ideation and opening up.

[434am]

Anyone here always kind of known that eventually they would ctb one day? I feel like I've had the thought ever since I was young, but was never as depressed or really acted on it up until recently. I feel like something is telling me that I have to do it. I have never opened up about this with any mental health professional, as far as they know, I'm all good and I don't need their help. I guess it's just kind of odd to me that they just expect you to open up to them right off the bat. I've been talking to a therapist for about 6 months now and I've spoken about some things but never anything major like trauma or wanting to ctb. I know that I am just digging myself in a deeper hole by doing this but it's so difficult just to open up to someone that you barely know, someone that is being paid to listen to you. It's hard man.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, I have never wanted to be alive, and even at a young age I found death to be comforting. For such a long time, I have known that suicide will be the way that I die, I cannot imagine myself dying from anything else. I'm sorry you are suffering. I wish you the best.

 

[sad_gurl_thoughts]

Anyone here always kind of known that eventually they would ctb one day?

Yes. I have always known. Even when I'm not depressed (lol barely remember those days) I planned to kill myself once I get older. I know I'll still be alone and eventually I won't be able to keep up at work anymore.

Feels like a done deal but no one knows that's been my long term plan - not even my therapist. She occasionally helps when I'm more acutely suicidal like now, but I haven't mentioned I'll take my life eventually even if I don't right now.

 

[houseofleaves]

Anyone here always kind of known that eventually they would ctb one day?

me

 

[mistvissione11e]

Before I adhered to the religious beliefs of christianity, therefore I had completely blocked all thoughts of suicide before my emotions came to possess the action. As it was blocked in my mind, I found my toddler to middle school days in other idéations such as being a martyr, dying for someone, being crucified, tortured to death, starved, giving my body to christ etc. In middle school someone in class yelled with so much despair, "I hate my life, I just want to die" and they said it wit the slight croak in their voice that my heart and my stomach dropped. I hit me, my greatest wish was to die. The one thing that animated me everyday throughout my childhood as I woke up in the morning was the confrontation of my own death, so much so that in my dreams almost every night i imagined all different ways to die.

 

[FuCrpsPain]

I've been in therapy for many years. I've never expressed that I actually would follow thru with ending my life, but I have expressed that the pain is getting out of control and I'm not sure how much more I can take. They usually go over the "plan" if I ever feel like I need to end my life. They say it's a good thing that I'm talking about it because that usually means you want to survive.... I'm not sure about that. Today has been an extremely high pain day. I dont have anyone to talk to about how I really feel (I do now that I've joined this site, no real life friends). I don't have the time to go to a crisis center to talk about my feelings... I need someone to make the physical pain stop, and since that's never going to happen, I don't talk to anyone about how bad it really is. I tried tonight. I finally told my husband that this pain is too much. I'm a burden on our family, crps is ruining my marriage, my kids... Everything. I don't want him and the kids to struggle (everything is in my name so if I end my life, they would be homeless without any assistance). When I told he everyday is a struggle to not end my life, he shut me out. He stopped listening and said it's not that he doesn't care but he can't "handle anymore of this talk". WTF. I haven't expressed how much I want the pain to stop and when I finally opened myself up and emotionally vomited all this pain out, he pushed me away. Idk how to feel about this.