Suicidal feelings in phases

[takemeaway]

The first time ive been suicidal was the first day I turned 15, I wanted to overdose and i wish I did, I wouldn't have died but my father would see that I need mental health help because that's where my depression crept in . At 16 I wanted to do full suspension hanging and i planned it to the detail but i got stopped by my gf. Ever since then i like I am postponing suicide cause the phases where I feel lively are merely an illusion so I come back to my plans. I'm 18 now and Im determined to do it any day this week. Existing is pointless and time isn't even real. I wanna be on the other side already and the fact that I also bother everyone in my house with my existence and mental issues is just driving me more to do it.


I'll start writing my suicide note today, then clear out my room of junk and clear my phone. Then wait for the perfect moment where im alone in the house, lock the room take pills to feel calm put on my fav song and finally partial hang.

 

[KleinerWolf]

What are some of the reasons for you to believe you "bother everyone in your house with your existence"?
Would you be interested in elaborating?

 

[nobiuobi]

The first time ive been suicidal was the first day I turned 15, I wanted to overdose and i wish I did, I wouldn't have died but my father would see that I need mental health help because that's where my depression crept in . At 16 I wanted to do full suspension hanging and i planned it to the detail but i got stopped by my gf. Ever since then i like I am postponing suicide cause the phases where I feel lively are merely an illusion so I come back to my plans. I'm 18 now and Im determined to do it any day this week. Existing is pointless and time isn't even real. I wanna be on the other side already and the fact that I also bother everyone in my house with my existence and mental issues is just driving me more to do it.


I'll start writing my suicide note today, then clear out my room of junk and clear my phone. Then wait for the perfect moment where im alone in the house, lock the room take pills to feel calm put on my fav song and finally partial hang.

What pills are you planning to take? I'm just curious. I'm 19, and I feel like I'm in the same boat.

 

[dibbydoo]

The first time ive been suicidal was the first day I turned 15, I wanted to overdose and i wish I did, I wouldn't have died but my father would see that I need mental health help because that's where my depression crept in . At 16 I wanted to do full suspension hanging and i planned it to the detail but i got stopped by my gf. Ever since then i like I am postponing suicide cause the phases where I feel lively are merely an illusion so I come back to my plans. I'm 18 now and Im determined to do it any day this week. Existing is pointless and time isn't even real. I wanna be on the other side already and the fact that I also bother everyone in my house with my existence and mental issues is just driving me more to do it.


I'll start writing my suicide note today, then clear out my room of junk and clear my phone. Then wait for the perfect moment where im alone in the house, lock the room take pills to feel calm put on my fav song and finally partial hang.

Hey takemeaway!❤

You are 18, I promise you, I absolutely promise you that Good Things will happen in your life, nothing stays the same, things will change.

Your post talks about 'phases' - so you recognise that things don't stay the same, so is it not possible that there are 'future phases' that could change your life for the better?

Think of it like a video game, you have to grind through stages (phases) to reach the 'end boss' - then you can kick his 'ass!

 

[takemeaway]

What are some of the reasons for you to believe you "bother everyone in your house with your existence"?
Would you be interested in elaborating?

I currently live with my aunts it's been year and during this year I was threatened multiple times that they would kick me out over the dumbest shit. I am not allowed to even go grocery shop myself. They threaten calling my parents if I still act depressed cause they dont wanna deal with me and when i skip meals (not on purpose) they force me eating saying they dont wanna pay for my future health problems from it. They dont wanna hear me talk or complain because apparently they are providing me a home. Basically treating me like shit.

What pills are you planning to take? I'm just curious. I'm 19, and I feel like I'm in the same boat.

I just checked what i had and I was thinking of taking diphenhydramine in pill form and codeine infused with paracetamol pill. I wish I bad more options, but with this quarantine:(

Hey takemeaway!❤

You are 18, I promise you, I absolutely promise you that Good Things will happen in your life, nothing stays the same, things will change.

Your post talks about 'phases' - so you recognise that things don't stay the same, so is it not possible that there are 'future phases' that could change your life for the better?

Think of it like a video game, you have to grind through stages (phases) to reach the 'end boss' - then you can kick his 'ass!

Things change I believe that, but I dont and being suicidal comes and goes but at the end if the day I'll always want to die no matter what. I just think that this world is nothing and i know that when i will face death finally after years of planning I know that it will be the final decision, thank u for ur sweet comment

 

[KleinerWolf]

I currently live with my aunts it's been year and during this year I was threatened multiple times that they would kick me out over the dumbest shit. I am not allowed to even go grocery shop myself. They threaten calling my parents if I still act depressed cause they dont wanna deal with me and when i skip meals (not on purpose) they force me eating saying they dont wanna pay for my future health problems from it. They dont wanna hear me talk or complain because apparently they are providing me a home. Basically treating me like shit.

Sorry to hear your aunts being toxic, and not treating you well.

Is there any particular obvious reasons I missed that prevent you from living with/closeby your parents?

 

[nobiuobi]

I currently live with my aunts it's been year and during this year I was threatened multiple times that they would kick me out over the dumbest shit. I am not allowed to even go grocery shop myself. They threaten calling my parents if I still act depressed cause they dont wanna deal with me and when i skip meals (not on purpose) they force me eating saying they dont wanna pay for my future health problems from it. They dont wanna hear me talk or complain because apparently they are providing me a home. Basically treating me like shit.

I just checked what i had and I was thinking of taking diphenhydramine in pill form and codeine infused with paracetamol pill. I wish I bad more options, but with this quarantine:(

Things change I believe that, but I dont and being suicidal comes and goes but at the end if the day I'll always want to die no matter what. I just think that this world is nothing and i know that when i will face death finally after years of planning I know that it will be the final decision, thank u for ur sweet comment❤

Ironically, I am a pharmacy technician student. The first time I tried overdosing I looked up the lethal amount of diphenhydramine and calculated the amount based on my weight. I thought I'd just choke in my sleep or something but I just woke up feeling heavy and I couldn't lift myself out of bed. So diphenhydramine didn't work out for me.

 

[takemeaway]

Sorry to hear your aunts being toxic, and not treating you well.

Is there any particular obvious reasons I missed that prevent you from living with/closeby your parents?

Ahh thank u for ur kindness ive lived with my dad for 7 yrs after my parents divorce and he was abusive mentally and emotionally thats why my mind had become very unstable. My mom is in another country i was gonna drop out and travel to her but I needed to turn 18 and now that I turned 18 There is this virus blocking me from traveling plus making visa and my mom lost her job so i wont be able to register in the college there
:(((

Ironically, I am a pharmacy technician student. The first time I tried overdosing I looked up the lethal amount of diphenhydramine and calculated the amount based on my weight. I thought I'd just choke in my sleep or something but I just woke up feeling heavy and I couldn't lift myself out of bed. So diphenhydramine didn't work out for me.

Yess I read ur post abt ittt, i believe that pills arevtge most UNRELIABLE method but im only taking some to just calm down and chill while I do the partial hanging method, plus my body will be more mellow and my mind delirious!

 

[KleinerWolf]

Ahh thank u for ur kindness ❤ ive lived with my dad for 7 yrs after my parents divorce and he was abusive mentally and emotionally thats why my mind had become very unstable. My mom is in another country i was gonna drop out and travel to her but I needed to turn 18 and now that I turned 18 There is this virus blocking me from traveling plus making visa and my mom lost her job so i wont be able to register in the college there
:(((

I see how it is.
I also think it's good for you to stay with you mom. I believe that will make you more at ease.
You are right about the virus, it is affecting nearly everyone.
Heaps of people had lost their jobs by now especially if they happen to be considered "non-essential workers".
Things will return back to normal once the virus settles down.
It might take some time but when the virus is over,
I'm positive that your mom will have her job back or at the very least have a new one, there's no doubt about it.

You are very young my friend,
you have people who love you, people including your mom and your gf. It makes me happy to know you have people who love you.


The pros of becoming a young adult is that you have a lot to live for. Good things to experience, you know?

I understand how difficult it must be living with toxic parent. You have shown a lot of strength.


It may be unhealthy for you to stay with your dad right now,
doesn't mean you have to ctb in a hurry.
My advice would be for you to wait it out. I think it's really good for you to stay with your mom after this virus.


Becoming a young adult, there's the independent side of things you get to experience.
Perhaps taking on a part time job while you study if it's something you are interested in. Since it helps you be more financially independent so that you have the flexibility to live life on your own term, without unwanted interference.

Your emotions are valid. and i understand how hard it must be.
I really hope you can get through this
and live a life thats epic!