Suicidal Dream

[GreyMonkey]

This morning I woke up from a dream in which I killed myself.

I was in Chiang Mai, where I once lived. And two of my coaching clients were there. They drank the N solution first and then drove a weird tank car thing off into the bush where people were camping.

I was in a building and scared to drink. I hesitated for ages and then finally I did and settled in to wait for it to be over.

And then I woke up.

I feel really scared. I want to reach out to my friends for help but I don't know what to say.

I spend a lot of time on here and I don't think it's good for me. This place is now my main form of connection and it's frightening me how much it's now drifting into who I am.

I feel myself spiralling down into ever increasing hopelessness. I feel myself getting more energy and yet my desire to end it all is growing at the same rate.

I feel so mentally fragile. I really want to help all of you somehow have a good life. I've connected with a few people here and I know your pain and somehow I want to help. I guess I want to help myself too but don't know how. I want it to stop. I want to improve myself and I don't know how.

I keep having flashes of my past. Memories. And I hate it all. I can see how much I've struggled, how desperate I've been the whole time. Yet the dreams of it all working out kept me going as I fell over again and again. I don't know how to stand up after this fall though.

 

[wendydong1]

If this site gets you down and talking to other suicidal people get u down, then stop and take care of yourself first.

I come here partly because I want to keep my ctb desire high

 

[Lisa]

This morning I woke up from a dream in which I killed myself.

I was in Chiang Mai, where I once lived. And two of my coaching clients were there. They drank the N solution first and then drove a weird tank car thing off into the bush where people were camping.

I was in a building and scared to drink. I hesitated for ages and then finally I did and settled in to wait for it to be over.

And then I woke up.

I feel really scared. I want to reach out to my friends for help but I don't know what to say.

I spend a lot of time on here and I don't think it's good for me. This place is now my main form of connection and it's frightening me how much it's now drifting into who I am.

I feel myself spiralling down into ever increasing hopelessness. I feel myself getting more energy and yet my desire to end it all is growing at the same rate.

I feel so mentally fragile. I really want to help all of you somehow have a good life. I've connected with a few people here and I know your pain and somehow I want to help. I guess I want to help myself too but don't know how. I want it to stop. I want to improve myself and I don't know how.

I keep having flashes of my past. Memories. And I hate it all. I can see how much I've struggled, how desperate I've been the whole time. Yet the dreams of it all working out kept me going as I fell over again and again. I don't know how to stand up after this fall though.

What makes you suicidal

Or what would make you not suicidal?

 

[Stan]

I am no dream whisperer by any means, but from what you wrote there is certainly a battle going on in you with the for and against decision. As was said above, maybe take a break from the site a while so you can come to your decision.

 

[nzdarkshark]

I agree with others who say maybe take a break. I took a break from the site at the start of this year and attempted therapy. Obviously didn't really work since I'm back, but that's not the point.
Being on the edge of life and death is hard, confusing - and I too have had dreams where I died by my own hand (all were strangely peaceful?). Being on a website like this can trigger thoughts about suicide, saying it doesn't would be a lie. If you need a break, perhaps you should take one and evaluate your situation, how you feel; and make your desision on your terms.

 

[woxihuanni]

Now that I've bought stuff, I had a dream tonight as well.

I was in my aunt's house (she used to have a very abusive husband, and her son is the same). I'm banned from their house because I'm an atheist/not traditional enough, basically. The setting stands for my current situation, getting kicked out of a house and an entire life, and being resented as long as I linger. (I gave up everything so we can be together, so now just walking out does not work out in so many ways.)

Anyways, apparently it's my birthday and we were invited to stay there for three days. She tells me to get the fuck out immediately. I'm confused and check the date and do not understand why I have to go early. She scolds me for not having unpacked yet, but I don't understand why it's an issue because she wants me gone anyway? This is a reflection of what my partner did. When I arrived they did not show me a place to unpack for days, and refused to clear the house of their 'ex's wardrobe full+ belongings. Then they blamed me for not unpacking.

I ask my aunt how she can be so cold. She says I simply lack charisma, and that is all there is to it.

Also apparently they've hosted a party, and I want to get red wine (I think it stands for blood/life). But the bar is closed. Then the bartender comes and offers me wine, but after tasting it out of a full glass, I learn it is too expensive even at a discount. As I apologise for inconveniencing her, I knock the wine over by accident. Now I both have to pay for it though I cannot afford to, and do not even get to drink it.

There was also the issue of my clothes. They were all tattered. And I knew that anything I took out of my suitcase looking fresh and good, it would soon be tarnished and spoiled. This is the case irl, anything I bring to the table, any resources I call from within myself, are devalued.

It's clear that I am not walking into death willingly, I'm just being driven to it.

Ah, the major parallel to real life was the exact setting, though. The aunt kicking me out because the son controls her and wants me gone, and my partner kicking me out because their ex controls them and wants me gone.

 

[FF777]

I'll just be honest: Being on this site, for me at least any way, kind of pulls me towards ctb because my mind becomes soaked after a while with people planning to ctb, and methods, etc......And for me, I need to ctb because I have conditions which are incurable which suck to live with..

I noticed though that when I took a break from this site for several days or more, my certainty that I wanted to ctb before too long started to wane and i got distracted focusing on other things like playing games and talking to my friends I have online etc.. But kind of like wendy said, I want to stay on this site often because I don't want my self to decide to extend my life yet again.....I keep extending the date when i'm really going to die.....I've been doing that for several years.. I'd like to convince my mind that it is time to keep the date certain this time and follow through with it.. And being on this site helps me do that..

So now, i don't know which status your life has or any thing, but it sounds like you might be more on the fence about ctb than I am, so if this site is pulling you down in a way that you consider to be detrimental to you, I would probably try to take a break from it for a couple of weeks and analyze how you feel after that.. wendy is also right when saying that your self needs to take priority over trying to help every other person in existence with all of their problems.. It's virtuous that you like helping people, but if it takes a small mental toll each time in doing that, where will that eventually lead to?.. Unfortunately we can't help every one every time every where.. But there are other people on here that are always giving support and advice, so you shouldn't feel guilty about not being on here constantly all the time.. Take care of your self, relax for a while, use some of your energy to take care of your self for a while and see if that doesn't help things a bit..

Love and light