Venting Suicidal depression and hygiene

[valentineisbackyall]

I remember when I was first diagnosed with depression 21 years ago. I read up on symptoms of depression and found myself thinking that it would never be me who couldn't find the will to shower and brush my teeth and put on deodorant and a full face of makeup every single day.

I'm almost 41 now. I just took my second shower in a month. I don't know if my refusal to take care of myself means I'm that much closer to ending it or that I was truly that naive as a teenager to think it wouldn't hit me as hard.

Fuck my life. I wish I could just die.

 

[BardBarrie]

My hygiene goes completely out of the window when in depressive episodes, too.
One just. . . stops caring.

 

[Not A Fan]

100% feel this. I have a strong sense of wanting to dissociate from a physical body and I hate all the aspects of maintaining it. Social isolation worsens the condition. And then the condition reinforces social isolation. Like a feedback loop.

I would also include having to regular prepare and eat food in this same category, actually. The constant metabolic cycle of having to consume materials and energy and excrete waste. I want no part in it!

 

[divinemistress36]

taking a shower is to much . I end up wearing a lot of perfume since it can be to much to shower

 

[Defenestration]

I remember when I was first diagnosed with depression 21 years ago. I read up on symptoms of depression and found myself thinking that it would never be me who couldn't find the will to shower and brush my teeth and put on deodorant and a full face of makeup every single day.

I'm almost 41 now. I just took my second shower in a month. I don't know if my refusal to take care of myself means I'm that much closer to ending it or that I was truly that naive as a teenager to think it wouldn't hit me as hard.

Fuck my life. I wish I could just die.

Same. My record IS one month without shower when was in huge depression

 

[BardBarrie]

100% feel this. I have a strong sense of wanting to dissociate from a physical body and I hate all the aspects of maintaining it. Social isolation worsens the condition. And then the condition reinforces social isolation. Like a feedback loop.

I would also include having to regular prepare and eat food in this same category, actually. The constant metabolic cycle of having to consume materials and energy and excrete waste. I want no part in it!

Life would be great without the "living" part. :p

 

[Tesha]

Thank you for writing this. I needed to know I wasn't alone in this 'lack of self care' - makes me feel slightly less of an ineffectual waste of resources.

 

[landslide2]

Yeah, comes with the territory, but can also be a bit freeing. I'll leave you to read the benefits of showering less and our natural biomes.

 

[thebelljarrr]

Gosh isn't it terrible. I am stuck in the same spot, haven't showered and if you see my hair how much of a mess it is Why can't I CARE

 

[dolemitedrums]

Jeez whiz am I the only one who wants to end things but still showers and brushes my teeth every day?

 

[valentineisbackyall]

Jeez whiz am I the only one who wants to end things but still showers and brushes my teeth every day?

Consider yourself lucky, I guess? That's definitely not the right word for it, but it is the right spirit. I sure do wish I could still give a shit about those things.

Same. My record IS one month without shower when was in huge depression

I usually break around day 15. But maybe this is the month I go all the way!

 

[Hollowman]

Jeez whiz am I the only one who wants to end things but still showers and brushes my teeth every day?

No you're not the only one.

 

[thanatos444]

I also find myself unable to be bothered to brush my teeth, shower, or eat, although I have not gone nearly as long without showering.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

I get so icked by myself if I dont shower at least every 2 days... I hate feeling dirty so much. I've been depressed to the point of not caring for anything, except hygiene... (How weird) Always have and probably always will keep myself clean.
I'm already used to doing things I don't want to do as well, so part of it is also just routine I suppose.

I know its totally normal not to care for hygiene anymore! They treat it like 1 of the major signs of depression.

I've been to multiple doctors who didn't take me serious about my suicidal thoughts because I looked too clean and well put together. It's beyond frustrating.
It sort of made me wish I didn't care about it so much..? It also sounds quite.. freeing, not to care?

@valentineisbackyall
Don't feel bad about what you can't be bothered to do. You could also think 'at least I showered this month.'
My younger self could be quite naive as well. Maybe I still am
I'm sorry for your pain!

 

[DefinitelyReady]

Gosh isn't it terrible. I am stuck in the same spot, haven't showered and if you see my hair how much of a mess it is Why can't I CARE

Hypoabulia? Adhedonia? Avolition? I try to explain it to therapists as if I'm a 600lb person, like from that show "My 600lb Life" and it's like the effort it takes us to do things requires the effort as if we were at that weight to do, every, single task... :((

Jeez whiz am I the only one who wants to end things but still showers and brushes my teeth every day?

Are you putting these people down for not?

 

[thebelljarrr]

Hypoabulia? Adhedonia? Avolition? I try to explain it to therapists as if I'm a 600lb person, like from that show "My 600lb Life" and it's like the effort it takes us to do things requires the effort as if we were at that weight to do, every, single task... :((

Yeah exactly! To the point of disconnecting from everyything in bed for months without even being able to eat. When I tried explaining this to a therapist once just got the same blah blah: How about planning your day? Going for walks in nature? Lol. What did ur therapist say to this?

 

[DefinitelyReady]

Yeah exactly! To the point of disconnecting from everyything in bed for months without even being able to eat. When I tried explaining this to a therapist once just got the same blah blah: How about planning your day? Going for walks in nature? Lol. What did ur therapist say to this?

That's the thing: they literally say nothing. As if them being told this is ana achievement and they've just "helped" me by listening. Bitches... nodding... is not therapy! My niece nodded when I spoke to her about serious stuff when she was little... Well she was little, what's their excuse? They get on nerves so badly... I'm just going to squirt them like a cat that's being mean to the other the next time I speak about an issue and they nod... I'm really at my breaking point; I don't know how to get through to them... Oh but I've heard walks, baths, grounding techniques, meditation, etc same bullshit. I'm about to go nuclear and be the "client" from hell since I've always been the "good one." I don't think, "Are you fucking serious?" is a rude/hostile or innappropriate response anymore.

 

[doingitrighthistime]

I've gone 29 days without showering and I'm sure months without brushing my teeth. You absolutely are not alone.

 

[valentineisbackyall]

Hypoabulia? Adhedonia? Avolition? I try to explain it to therapists as if I'm a 600lb person, like from that show "My 600lb Life" and it's like the effort it takes us to do things requires the effort as if we were at that weight to do, every, single task... :((

Are you putting these people down for not?

I don't think that's what they were doing. In my very humble opinion, there are some folks who are desperately suicidal but they're, like, hard-wired to maintain a certain routine every day. That routine might be taking a shower. But (to me) it doesn't negate their feelings of despair just because they look tidy on the outside.

That's the thing: they literally say nothing. As if them being told this is ana achievement and they've just "helped" me by listening. Bitches... nodding... is not therapy! My niece nodded when I spoke to her about serious stuff when she was little... Well she was little, what's their excuse? They get on nerves so badly... I'm just going to squirt them like a cat that's being mean to the other the next time I speak about an issue and they nod... I'm really at my breaking point; I don't know how to get through to them... Oh but I've heard walks, baths, grounding techniques, meditation, etc same bullshit. I'm about to go nuclear and be the "client" from hell since I've always been the "good one." I don't think, "Are you fucking serious?" is a rude/hostile or innappropriate response anymore.

YES! My psychiatrist (whom I truly do love) has suggested 1) fresh air, 2) taking off my shoes and burying my toes in the grass, 3) stoicism, 4) yoga… the list goes on. I will say he does manage my medications as well as he can and does increase when he truly feels I need it. I've been seeing him for 14 years and I think he can see things objectively whereas I simply can't. Sometimes his recommendations are bullshit - and believe me, I tell him when I think he's being dumb - but I can't forget all the times he has absolutely saved me.

 

[rottedfukkup]

my depression to me is like a survival mode my brain is in shut down my thought process only extends to how can i bear the next few minutes how can i do that single things in blankness, its blank totally blank grasp at anything to make it minutes at a time

im exhausted and sleep deprived nothing seems to effect me or have any meaning or worth

i have no energy, hygiene has been cut out totally nothing has an after effect of feeling any thing better or worse, i dont anymore its lost meaning everything

in a way i cant lie to myself tell myself false promise that any effort has effect anymore, the acceptness that i wont be living a lie anymore is a comfort in itself its quieter and sparse nothing to chase or lose it feels a load lighter for me mentally

 

[teniralc21]

I also struggle with hygiene during my dark times. I try, but it's hard some days. And I live alone so there's no one to remind me.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

I don't think that's what they were doing. In my very humble opinion, there are some folks who are desperately suicidal but they're, like, hard-wired to maintain a certain routine every day. That routine might be taking a shower. But (to me) it doesn't negate their feelings of despair just because they look tidy on the outside.

YES! My psychiatrist (whom I truly do love) has suggested 1) fresh air, 2) taking off my shoes and burying my toes in the grass, 3) stoicism, 4) yoga… the list goes on. I will say he does manage my medications as well as he can and does increase when he truly feels I need it. I've been seeing him for 14 years and I think he can see things objectively whereas I simply can't. Sometimes his recommendations are bullshit - and believe me, I tell him when I think he's being dumb - but I can't forget all the times he has absolutely saved me.

'Stoicism" I'm jot sure if that's meant to be funny or not.

How has he helped you?

 

[bpdandalone]

Feel this so hard, haven't brushed my teeth in 3 weeks and only showered 3 times in a month and a half… so hard to do it

 

[valentineisbackyall]

'Stoicism" I'm jot sure if that's meant to be funny or not.

How has he helped you?

He weaned me off several medications that were making me act and feel like a zombie. The psychiatrist I had before him honestly should not be allowed to practice medicine.

He also really takes time with me to just… listen. I always leave his office feeling as though I've been heard.

He also gives me freedom to tweak my medications as I need to (as long as I tell him) because he gets that I know my body and mind better than he does.

He's not perfect. Not by any stretch of the word. But compared with what I've had in the past, he's a unicorn. He knows we're both fighting an uphill battle with my depression.

 

[Changedmymind]

I brush my teeth and shower whenever I have a social occasion (meet family or friends, go to the store etc), which could be as often as twice a week. Keeping up appearances. I mostly dont give a shit about peoples opinions, but I believe that you shouldn't invade their nostrils with your filth, as I've also been on the receiving end of this and wont take part in it myself. Actually, more than anything I hate people who overuse parfume or cologne. There is no "using" it, there is always too much. You either smell them from 5 meters, or you smell them for 5 minutes. Sorry if I derail