Venting suicidal, and still not have the strenght to leave people that use me.

[daffo]

Suicidal from 5 years. the last drop was a girl, like many, first she loves me and then she choose another guy and suddenly i'm not so important.
Yesterday i returned from work. like always, i was shacking like a tree; laughing and cryng at the same time i brew me some tea and started to cut myself.
she wrote to me; sayng "guess what? the guy i was dating decided to not see me anymore":
i know i shouldn't answe but i couldn't. i spent all the day, from morning to evening, thinking "this is the last year for me". spending my time at work doing nothing except reading over and over again all the guides, buyng the stuff i need and dreaming about dyng and go somewhere else, maybe a place in which i can stop feeling like this.
so i answered her. we talked, like always at some point i begged her to return to stay at my home, and she said that maybe she will.
i felt better for like a split second: after that, i'm returned worst. but this is my fault because i didn't cbt earlier, and now i feel hope, hope she will return, hope she will understand that i love her so much and i will never leave her, that she will consider it and maybe this will be the start of a thing so precious for both of us.

i know she will find someone else. maybe tomorrow she will write to me, sayng " the guy returned" or something like "i met this guy, is so awesome". im so weak about that i know it, so fucking weak. and i will cut myself again and again, i want to reach the bones and cut them too. i just wanted to be happy with her.
today i will phone the wielding shop near my workplace and maybe i will buy the argon to silence a little the voices in my head.

 

[faust]

I think this guy felt somehow that she is right after relationships and dropped her. I can feel kind of tension when there are such people around me. In my native language there is such a proverb: You will never build your own happiness on somebody's grief. Maybe that may sound painful, but I suppose she does not deserve you if she acts like that. You are kind, loving and caring person, you should try to surround yourself with people like you. Breakups are often devastating especially when in your partner you are finding reasons to stay in this world. I hope you will get better or/and she will admit she did a mistake and return to you and will never leave you again.

 

[Thereisnothing]

@daffo Firstly please take care. I know you are hurting really really badly, but cutting yourself will only be a short term fix. I can say this as have been in your same situation. I have been hurt very badly in love and resulted in break downs, suicide attempts, self harm. At the time all that mattered was my love coming back to me.........they never did.............hurt like crazy and still does to a degree. I understand the pain and anguish you are in, but if you talking to me, I wonder if you'd give me similar advice.

I know when I was cutting my wrists/arms at the time, my mum got upset and said to me 'youre hurting enough and THEY have hurt you badly.......dont go hurting your precious body because of them'..............she was right. Although it gave temporary relief, very temporary, it never helped the problem.

Its a horrid world we have, there are some beautiful caring souls out there and then there are people who only think of themselves. When we hurt in love its total agony to the highest degree and nothing else matters............its a loss, a grief to bare. If this girl can choose others over you, then that speaks volumes to what sort of individual she is.......however much you love her and I understand that, do you really think you deserve to be treated like this. Did I deserve it when happened to me? No I didn't deserve it yet still loved and hoped would choose me............people like that are all for themselves and like using people, I have found that out time and again in my 45 years on this planet.

I cant help ease your pain, get her to choose you, but hoping that reading my words you know that someone else knows what hell it is. Looking back, like you do I know that these people who hurt me, were not worthy really of me, didn't see it at the time, but how could they be if they treated me so badly.
After mum said that to me, I took a look at the current cuts, scars and blood and thought, I am still going to hurt like mad and be heartbroken but I vowed not to self harm again, I was suffering enough and although gave few seconds of relief, having physical scars on my precious body wasn't worth it. I sure didn't want reminders on my skin that those cruel people hurt me so badly.

If you are going to cut then please be careful and do it safely. You say you want to reach the bones.............bless you I had those urges too and believe me they were very strong. To cut that deep is going to be absolute agony and dangerous. Perhaps when you want to cut, imagine me (although you dont know what I look like) but picture my avatar picture and think 'that woman didn't deserve to be hurt and neither do I, I'm not going to cut, I am hurting enough'.

There are no easy answers I know only too well. In my life I have been hurt badly by all sorts of people, not just in love but with abuse and horrid things. I am battered by it all and have so many health problems, but am still here somehow. Know that I care. xx

 

[faust]

@daffo Firstly please take care. I know you are hurting really really badly, but cutting yourself will only be a short term fix. I can say this as have been in your same situation. I have been hurt very badly in love and resulted in break downs, suicide attempts, self harm. At the time all that mattered was my love coming back to me.........they never did.............hurt like crazy and still does to a degree. I understand the pain and anguish you are in, but if you talking to me, I wonder if you'd give me similar advice.

I know when I was cutting my wrists/arms at the time, my mum got upset and said to me 'youre hurting enough and THEY have hurt you badly.......dont go hurting your precious body because of them'..............she was right. Although it gave temporary relief, very temporary, it never helped the problem.

Its a horrid world we have, there are some beautiful caring souls out there and then there are people who only think of themselves. When we hurt in love its total agony to the highest degree and nothing else matters............its a loss, a grief to bare. If this girl can choose others over you, then that speaks volumes to what sort of individual she is.......however much you love her and I understand that, do you really think you deserve to be treated like this. Did I deserve it when happened to me? No I didn't deserve it yet still loved and hoped would choose me............people like that are all for themselves and like using people, I have found that out time and again in my 45 years on this planet.

I cant help ease your pain, get her to choose you, but hoping that reading my words you know that someone else knows what hell it is. Looking back, like you do I know that these people who hurt me, were not worthy really of me, didn't see it at the time, but how could they be if they treated me so badly.
After mum said that to me, I took a look at the current cuts, scars and blood and thought, I am still going to hurt like mad and be heartbroken but I vowed not to self harm again, I was suffering enough and although gave few seconds of relief, having physical scars on my precious body wasn't worth it. I sure didn't want reminders on my skin that those cruel people hurt me so badly.

If you are going to cut then please be careful and do it safely. You say you want to reach the bones.............bless you I had those urges too and believe me they were very strong. To cut that deep is going to be absolute agony and dangerous. Perhaps when you want to cut, imagine me (although you dont know what I look like) but picture my avatar picture and think 'that woman didn't deserve to be hurt and neither do I, I'm not going to cut, I am hurting enough'.

There are no easy answers I know only too well. In my life I have been hurt badly by all sorts of people, not just in love but with abuse and horrid things. I am battered by it all and have so many health problems, but am still here somehow. Know that I care. xx

Your words touched me... I would not be able to say better...

 

[Lostandfound7]

Sweetie, she doesn't deserve u. ..don't get caught up in her madness..life is crazy enough..find someone who loves n appreciates u as much as u do them.sticking with her may only cause u even more pain in the future..that's the type of woman that will possibly even get "bored, tired, fall out of love" n walk out of a marriage..sounds like ur dodging a bullet - no pun intended.. cut her loose n choose YOU..

 

[Smokey]

Sounds like you truly love her, but if she can not see that or doesn't want that from you more fool her. Be honest and tell her how you feel about her and if she does not reciprocate then she is not the one for you, being in a one sided relationship won't do either of you any good

 

[daffo]

last time i saw her, was one month and half ago i recall. she come to my home, spend the sunday. we watched a movie and then make love, i cooked something for her (first time i cooked since like 3-4 years) and we laughed because it was very good food. we spent the evening together, i lied to her sayng "i have no work tomorrow" because she said that she was not sure to stay to sleep with me. we made love again, we spent time after reading some potery and colouring a colour book (she took it from home, sometimes she colour books to relieve the stress). during the night i started shaking: the fear of the next day, the thought that i would miss her so much, that that was just temporary... overwhelmed me. i asked to her to "take care of me". we stayd up late, hugging and kissing.
then she went away. asked to her to spend the last day of the year with me, but she alredy was with another better man than me.
yesterday i took a Plasil to test my meto tolerance: it went very good, almost feel anything except some general discomfort (maybe was the anxiety).
i alredy wrote some notes for the relatives, just something like "its not your fault", i know it is a very little help for those that will mourn me but this is all i can do.

i don0t have the strenght to pass on her. she gave me hope yesterday, but i know that is very likely to crush me later, but a part of me need that sunday again. i want to spend like a year made only of that sunday, maybe i would recover, maybe i would have the oportunity to recover myself from this 5 years of pain, of mental disease and fucked up relationship and parents that are not there for me and food vomited and cuts.
This night i will take another Plasil to test further. i will go and buy the Argon, this weekend i will be alone at home like always for the entire fucking weekend. plenty of time to craft the bag for the exit method, and prepare for the worst.

 

[Thereisnothing]

last time i saw her, was one month and half ago i recall. she come to my home, spend the sunday. we watched a movie and then make love, i cooked something for her (first time i cooked since like 3-4 years) and we laughed because it was very good food. we spent the evening together, i lied to her sayng "i have no work tomorrow" because she said that she was not sure to stay to sleep with me. we made love again, we spent time after reading some potery and colouring a colour book (she took it from home, sometimes she colour books to relieve the stress). during the night i started shaking: the fear of the next day, the thought that i would miss her so much, that that was just temporary... overwhelmed me. i asked to her to "take care of me". we stayd up late, hugging and kissing.
then she went away. asked to her to spend the last day of the year with me, but she alredy was with another better man than me.
yesterday i took a Plasil to test my meto tolerance: it went very good, almost feel anything except some general discomfort (maybe was the anxiety).
i alredy wrote some notes for the relatives, just something like "its not your fault", i know it is a very little help for those that will mourn me but this is all i can do.

i don0t have the strenght to pass on her. she gave me hope yesterday, but i know that is very likely to crush me later, but a part of me need that sunday again. i want to spend like a year made only of that sunday, maybe i would recover, maybe i would have the oportunity to recover myself from this 5 years of pain, of mental disease and fucked up relationship and parents that are not there for me and food vomited and cuts.
This night i will take another Plasil to test further. i will go and buy the Argon, this weekend i will be alone at home like always for the entire fucking weekend. plenty of time to craft the bag for the exit method, and prepare for the worst.

What you have explained with her coming that day and staying and what you did, really resonates with me, as lived through that myself. Dont keep saying she was/is with a better man than you, DONT...............you are worth SO much more. You cant see it now I understand that. I still love those who hurt me badly, but someone who that selfish and basically a user, doesn't deserve some one like you anyway.................I urge you to keep talking and take a step back.............is someone who treats you like that really worth dying for.............should I be dead now cos it happened to me............maybe I should've gone through with it, cos lets face it I must've been worthless for it to happen to me, right? Perhaps I didn't/dont deserve to be treated with love and respect........... yes thats it!

NO, I deserve love and respect as does everyone, including you. You cant see it now, of course you cant, but you wouldn't treat another person like she treats you, would you? No, exactly, then you are a much better individual than she is. I know you love her, I get that and the immense pain, but if you end your life, then I shall end mine too..............cos obviously thats what should happen when someone treats us like crap isn't it? Have a think my friend. xx

 

[S1mpleme]

Suicidal from 5 years. the last drop was a girl, like many, first she loves me and then she choose another guy and suddenly i'm not so important.
Yesterday i returned from work. like always, i was shacking like a tree; laughing and cryng at the same time i brew me some tea and started to cut myself.
she wrote to me; sayng "guess what? the guy i was dating decided to not see me anymore":
i know i shouldn't answe but i couldn't. i spent all the day, from morning to evening, thinking "this is the last year for me". spending my time at work doing nothing except reading over and over again all the guides, buyng the stuff i need and dreaming about dyng and go somewhere else, maybe a place in which i can stop feeling like this.
so i answered her. we talked, like always at some point i begged her to return to stay at my home, and she said that maybe she will.
i felt better for like a split second: after that, i'm returned worst. but this is my fault because i didn't cbt earlier, and now i feel hope, hope she will return, hope she will understand that i love her so much and i will never leave her, that she will consider it and maybe this will be the start of a thing so precious for both of us.

i know she will find someone else. maybe tomorrow she will write to me, sayng " the guy returned" or something like "i met this guy, is so awesome". im so weak about that i know it, so fucking weak. and i will cut myself again and again, i want to reach the bones and cut them too. i just wanted to be happy with her.
today i will phone the wielding shop near my workplace and maybe i will buy the argon to silence a little the voices in my head.

Fuck that girl. She does not respect you and your feelings, doesn't care at all. I wish we were in the same city, I'd hug you and we would drink together to forget about this shitty life.