LonelyKitten
Seeking one final escape
- Aug 13, 2023
- 284
I'm scared again, unexpectedly.
Pardon my writing atm.
I got sick and I think my brain is being a bit mushy mushy.
My ctb plan is all set up and ready to go if I need to leave this world peacefully.
It's almost hypnotic, the feel of that rope on my neck. It is so damn soothing...
But you know what? This is a bit new.
It's just, such a shame to go yet.
I have felt somewhat calmer the past few days, which is odd. Probably good self-care?
Part of what I've used to cope with passing has been envisioning, obtaining a much clearer idea of how I should have, could have lived.
I have now reached a mindset in which, it is not necessarily sad for me to pass at any specific moment.
If I had fearlessly followed my own paths, ideas, and desires, lived myself out fully like I was supposed to, it does not matter when or if I die, because we all die.
It's all an endless, continuous rhythm of life, during which we'll keep finding new stuff to pursue.
And mindsets can evolve at the same time, in line with this as needed, to adjust to situations - as I see now.
Then, naturally, at some point during this cycle, we have to go.
For the first time in my life, I am becoming very at peace with the concept of death, on both rational and emotional fronts.
Something that ironically makes it harder to die though is that I'm really appreciating this community!
I enjoy how I'm treated and indulged here.
I enjoy that there are kind souls on here.
I enjoy that, well, we all get it, don't we?
We're a community of peers, in that respect.
I'm even allowed into the special part of it now :o
I'm happy that on here, I finally get to speak out without fear, my deeply ingrained, long running suicidal thoughts.
I have them since I was like, 8 (latent. chronic and directly active since what happened when I came out as trans at 16).
Only now am I getting a grasp on them, because I can speak freely!
No imprisonment!
No guilt-tripping!
No gaslighting, dismissal, etc.
Just an actual space, with actual people, that genuinly understand!
Coming here, to speak openly about ctb, alongside discovering and planning methods ironically made me desire to live so much more.
I guess it is a combination of a certain validation I never received, as well as becoming a lot more comfortable, instead of irrationally fearful, with the idea of passing.
I think being accepting of death is something our society is direly lacking in.
At least in the very Western world I grew up in, I do not know how it is elsewhere.
At the same time as my comforts with death increase, I feel much more comfortable and less fearful with living itself in many ways now, thanks to the experiences I've had through this forum.
It just makes me sad, that I've run out of ideas, out of plans.
2 visa refusals... I have nowhere to go.
I wish I had gotten one final chance to state my case... But I can't do so in a safe manner now at all.
No one I know can offer me any help anymore.
Such deep friendships, eh?
Well, it's a spectrum, not all were solely problematic. I guess I really misread a lot of social dynamics.
Some people I gave up so much for, yet they'd not remotely do any of the same... even though those sacrifices might well cause my death now.
Making such reckless sacrifices in the first place was a mistake.
Yet at the same time, some people I am genuinely, and I will say, justifiably, upset with - because they did outright pressure and goad me into these sacrifices this time - at a time I was grappling with MAJOR physical health issues, with complete disregard to my life.
So yeah, I am on my own with this situation.
I don't know how to stay safe anymore, and I'm running out of resources.
There is no time... I have time limits, because of resources, because of, because of matters...
Ah, I miss home... pictures of the area are vivid in my head.
I can feel the end may be near.
Despite the sadness, I have come to accept that the way things happened is okay.
All the bad that unfortunately happened since my stupid return to this country has finally been made up for - there has now been enough growth, learning, and positives that I struggle to imagine a different chain of events anymore.
Chief among which is recognizing some very toxic relationships and dynamics that I would have never understood if things did not come to this.
Alongside finally coming to terms with my traumas and personal history, they explain exactly *why* it came to this, and why it could not have been any other way.
It is precisely because these underlying toxic parts existed, that everything kept falling apart, no matter how much each side had tried otherwise.
On top of that comes realizing who really cares, actually sticks out for me (instead of cheap talk) at my lowest.
The biggest lesson is that you are never *guaranteed* to receive back as much as you put in.
Independence and self-sufficiency is paramount to safety and developing actually healthy relationships.
In spite of nowfound acceptance with the course of this life - I would have loved to see what this new version of me could have done from here if given a chance.
Now it's up to making peace with the fact that real life cares none about this growth, or offering any second chances, eh?
At least, in the situation I am in.
Maybe it's just doomed nonetheless.
Or maybe, I've become confident, I believe in myself - maybe I could have pulled something off.
Had I become say, a dual citizen, then I would have always had enough options to try for recovery, even with the lack of familial supports.
Time is ticking, tick tick tick.
Dreams are more unfiltered, more vivid, more on the nose about my situation.
Visions of a life starting over, memories from the early stages of my life experiences spring into my head.
Sleep is categorically not restful.
I've heard now that excessive dreaming is a sign someone is about to die, and it... that feels accurate.
Perhaps... if I go, it'll not just be to my dream world, but a recreation, or a mix, with the aspects of my real world?
Maybe I have been feverishly collecting information to take with me for that next plane of existence.
It does gives me comfort.
Maybe I will be taking my imagined version of the person I most would have liked to meet with me.
That's exciting... I wonder what meeting her will be like.
I fear death... Much less, much less, than living torture.
This forum has indeed... been a Sanctuary for this stage of life.
Oddly enough, upon first stumbling into this page, I initially thought it'd be one of those somewhat hostile/unhinged 4chan like pro-suicide spaces, instead of the overall kind pro-choice place it actually is.
I would not have fully come on here without reaching this point in life, so... I can't claim, I can't regret not coming here sooner...
Everything happened the way it did for a reason.
Just what is the next reason? What is left?
Show me, life.
Give me a sign, what is the (likely) final act of desperation?
Pardon my writing atm.
I got sick and I think my brain is being a bit mushy mushy.
My ctb plan is all set up and ready to go if I need to leave this world peacefully.
It's almost hypnotic, the feel of that rope on my neck. It is so damn soothing...
But you know what? This is a bit new.
It's just, such a shame to go yet.
I have felt somewhat calmer the past few days, which is odd. Probably good self-care?
Part of what I've used to cope with passing has been envisioning, obtaining a much clearer idea of how I should have, could have lived.
I have now reached a mindset in which, it is not necessarily sad for me to pass at any specific moment.
If I had fearlessly followed my own paths, ideas, and desires, lived myself out fully like I was supposed to, it does not matter when or if I die, because we all die.
It's all an endless, continuous rhythm of life, during which we'll keep finding new stuff to pursue.
And mindsets can evolve at the same time, in line with this as needed, to adjust to situations - as I see now.
Then, naturally, at some point during this cycle, we have to go.
For the first time in my life, I am becoming very at peace with the concept of death, on both rational and emotional fronts.
Something that ironically makes it harder to die though is that I'm really appreciating this community!
I enjoy how I'm treated and indulged here.
I enjoy that there are kind souls on here.
I enjoy that, well, we all get it, don't we?
We're a community of peers, in that respect.
I'm even allowed into the special part of it now :o
I'm happy that on here, I finally get to speak out without fear, my deeply ingrained, long running suicidal thoughts.
I have them since I was like, 8 (latent. chronic and directly active since what happened when I came out as trans at 16).
Only now am I getting a grasp on them, because I can speak freely!
No imprisonment!
No guilt-tripping!
No gaslighting, dismissal, etc.
Just an actual space, with actual people, that genuinly understand!
Coming here, to speak openly about ctb, alongside discovering and planning methods ironically made me desire to live so much more.
I guess it is a combination of a certain validation I never received, as well as becoming a lot more comfortable, instead of irrationally fearful, with the idea of passing.
I think being accepting of death is something our society is direly lacking in.
At least in the very Western world I grew up in, I do not know how it is elsewhere.
At the same time as my comforts with death increase, I feel much more comfortable and less fearful with living itself in many ways now, thanks to the experiences I've had through this forum.
It just makes me sad, that I've run out of ideas, out of plans.
2 visa refusals... I have nowhere to go.
I wish I had gotten one final chance to state my case... But I can't do so in a safe manner now at all.
No one I know can offer me any help anymore.
Such deep friendships, eh?
Well, it's a spectrum, not all were solely problematic. I guess I really misread a lot of social dynamics.
Some people I gave up so much for, yet they'd not remotely do any of the same... even though those sacrifices might well cause my death now.
Making such reckless sacrifices in the first place was a mistake.
Yet at the same time, some people I am genuinely, and I will say, justifiably, upset with - because they did outright pressure and goad me into these sacrifices this time - at a time I was grappling with MAJOR physical health issues, with complete disregard to my life.
So yeah, I am on my own with this situation.
I don't know how to stay safe anymore, and I'm running out of resources.
There is no time... I have time limits, because of resources, because of, because of matters...
Ah, I miss home... pictures of the area are vivid in my head.
I can feel the end may be near.
Despite the sadness, I have come to accept that the way things happened is okay.
All the bad that unfortunately happened since my stupid return to this country has finally been made up for - there has now been enough growth, learning, and positives that I struggle to imagine a different chain of events anymore.
Chief among which is recognizing some very toxic relationships and dynamics that I would have never understood if things did not come to this.
Alongside finally coming to terms with my traumas and personal history, they explain exactly *why* it came to this, and why it could not have been any other way.
It is precisely because these underlying toxic parts existed, that everything kept falling apart, no matter how much each side had tried otherwise.
On top of that comes realizing who really cares, actually sticks out for me (instead of cheap talk) at my lowest.
The biggest lesson is that you are never *guaranteed* to receive back as much as you put in.
Independence and self-sufficiency is paramount to safety and developing actually healthy relationships.
In spite of nowfound acceptance with the course of this life - I would have loved to see what this new version of me could have done from here if given a chance.
Now it's up to making peace with the fact that real life cares none about this growth, or offering any second chances, eh?
At least, in the situation I am in.
Maybe it's just doomed nonetheless.
Or maybe, I've become confident, I believe in myself - maybe I could have pulled something off.
Had I become say, a dual citizen, then I would have always had enough options to try for recovery, even with the lack of familial supports.
Time is ticking, tick tick tick.
Dreams are more unfiltered, more vivid, more on the nose about my situation.
Visions of a life starting over, memories from the early stages of my life experiences spring into my head.
Sleep is categorically not restful.
I've heard now that excessive dreaming is a sign someone is about to die, and it... that feels accurate.
Perhaps... if I go, it'll not just be to my dream world, but a recreation, or a mix, with the aspects of my real world?
Maybe I have been feverishly collecting information to take with me for that next plane of existence.
It does gives me comfort.
Maybe I will be taking my imagined version of the person I most would have liked to meet with me.
That's exciting... I wonder what meeting her will be like.
I fear death... Much less, much less, than living torture.
This forum has indeed... been a Sanctuary for this stage of life.
Oddly enough, upon first stumbling into this page, I initially thought it'd be one of those somewhat hostile/unhinged 4chan like pro-suicide spaces, instead of the overall kind pro-choice place it actually is.
I would not have fully come on here without reaching this point in life, so... I can't claim, I can't regret not coming here sooner...
Everything happened the way it did for a reason.
Just what is the next reason? What is left?
Show me, life.
Give me a sign, what is the (likely) final act of desperation?
Last edited:
