Suddenly reduced urge to self terminate

[Zimcity]

So a poor partner slowly drove me into a depression. Over the years I took steps to try and improve my situation. Just as I had gambled everything I had, relying on my partner while I got back on my feet after a restructuring she kicked me out. I focused on what was most important; the future, and forced my focus on the new career. Career has been going superb and I'm now safely set in my office. I said I wanted to focus on fixing the family now that we were financially safe with me in a job I thoroughly enjoy. Her response was to leave me.
Depression was still haunting me as I was of course still tormented by the distance to my family but this prompted intense desire to suicide.
I made my plans and just wanted a final perfect weekend with my boys before I ended myself but to my shock I found she wouldn't let me see them. She had used the time to concoct a terrible scheme portraying me as a vile person. All kinds of lies and hurt. I went into a sort of panic mode trying to cope with the hurt, the heartbreak, the fight for my kids and huge workloads at work.

It's taken every ounce of me to make it this far one year later, but not much has changed other than I feel completely drained. The past year is a blur. My memory is gone. I have developed tics and shakes. I need medication to sleep. I self harm and drink when I am alone to stear my thoughts. And last week I was again hit with this intense urge to die. I think my "anger" has run out and it's been driving me. I've given up and it hurts so much I can't stand it.
So I've hardly slept, I've been trying to suicide many times trying this week and I still am. But today all of a sudden I got kind of numb and much of the desire to die suddenly went away.
I'm certain it's temporary. I assume it's some part of my brain that's just exhausted with the mental strain but it got me thinking.
Am I sick?
Is there some kind of medication I can take so I won't hurt so much? Can meds make me stop feeling this way?

I am on an anti depressant, but other than helping me sleep it doesn't do much. I had prescription for oxazepam Wich helped untill I built up a tolerance. And doc won't let me stay on them saying I've already been on them for longer than I should.

I highly doubt therapy would help. (I've been declined anyway - my "situation" not being serious enough to warrant professional help). Besides - I can't be honest enough about my situation towards the low bar mental health people as that would cause serious reprocussions in the fight for custody. I only trust a professional to understand that the kids are the only sense of normalcy I have and when I'm with them I feel fine. I'm rational enough to understand what's happening and that's there's no real solution that will fix this mess. So I can't see how talking about it with some random will help anything.

*I feel its important to underline that my kids have never seen my hurt. They see a smiling and playful daddy and I don't use them as a tool in the breakup. Much of my pain stems from the fact that their mom is sabotaging our relationship and since I'm trying to be the bigger man i have to lie down, take the abuse and loose terrain since she dictates when I can and can't have them despise us having shared custody. Should I pick them up when she doesn't want to, that would cause a fuss. A fuss the kids would see. So I can't.

 

[Chupacabra 44]

Good for you for prioritizing the well being of your kids and not causing drama with your ex about visitations. I still remember my father kicking and pushing my mother out of his front door when my mother came to pick us up at an agreed upon time, when I was a small child. I never looked at my father the same way thereafter.

Seems like a visit to your psychiatrist is a good idea.

 

[Zimcity]

Unfortunately that's not how it works in my country. You have to qualify. To qualify I would have to volunteer that I am suicidal. If I volunteer that I'm suicidal child services will take my kids in a heartbeat. They don't think understand how that would be counter-productive.

I'm a man in a custody battle. 99% of the workers in the field surrounding this topic are females and discriminates against men. Men don't get the same help and understanding that women do when it comes to mental health. We're discriminated against here as well.

I have spent a year already convincing these people that the mothers accusations are entirely false and fabricated to try and have them side with her and take the kids from me. They've found nothing in any of her accusations, they agree with me that she sabotage me and my kids bonds and they STILL side with her simply because that's the easier course when I am the compliant and reasonable one.
If they had the chance to shut that door completely, no fuss, they would.