Venting 'Suck it up, just get on with it... Why are you so different to everyone else?' (Rant!)

[Forever Sleep]

So- I SHOULD be finding a job at the moment. Really- that ought to be a more stable job because my current creative freelance dream job is financially unsustainable. I haven't entirely given up on it though because in all honesty- it's just about the only thing that keeps me going. So, it's a mixture of looking for temporary work, some online very flexible job and reluctantly looking at full time crap.

I really just wanted a self indulgent rant and a sob though! I'm sure many of you can relate. About 95% of the stuff I'm seeing, I'm unqualified for. The single temporary creative job I have any shot at is at the other side of the country. The remaining tiny percentage of jobs I might have a chance at, I'm almost certain I will hate!

How do people do this?!! I just find it awful that SO many people (maybe the majority) end up in jobs they detest. Of course, I know I'm being a spoilt brat and that I'm 'lucky' to be well enough to work. I know there's always someone worse off and I expect a lot are on here. I'm sorry to sound entitled and I'm sorry for the people who are far worse off.

It doesn't make me feel better though. Then I start feeling angry- WHY is it somehow entitled to not want to end up in a job you will likely hate?!! Maybe I'm just difficult but I have hated a lot of jobs! (10 years in retail for example.) I feel like I have enough past experience to be able to predict what lies ahead. I've also done plenty of that 'thinking out the box' approach and gone for things that are only loosely related to my field but perhaps better than something totally unrelated- but to little avail.

The main problem honestly is that my life has become my work. Largely because it got me through some crap growing up. I know I'm very maladjusted but I'm not willing to put in the effort to change.

My Dad tries to be supportive but we generally end up in a retrospective of his career and all the times he has been treated like shit from companies (put on the night shift for no extra money for example.) It's not said outright but the implication is- 'You just have to suck it up, just get on with it... Why are you so different to everyone else?'

Plus, there's the whole thing of working his arse off to support his family (me in other words.) I'd like to say- 'you should have both aborted me then- done us all a favour.' Still- I know I can't! He's actually a very caring person and it's more that he doesn't know what to say to help.

Still, there is this other nasty part of me that gets annoyed. I feel like I'm partly the way I am because of a childhood partly spent with what I'm sure was/is a narcissist (step sibling.) Certain shit happened that probably could have been handled better by my Dad in all honesty. (Mainly bullying but simultaneously accusations at me for doing all sorts of stuff that I hadn't done, plus a little bit of physical violence.) Honestly- I can't 'blame' it all on that but it was during that period I became so obsessed with art in order to distract me.

Maybe it's just being spoilt and entitled again but doesn't it annoy you when your parents expect you to be all 'normal' when you want to just say- 'You had a hand in creating this messy monster that is me!'

Even more ironic, I have had suicidal ideation since I was 10 (in response to said step sibling.) The only reason I'm holding on now (at 42,) is so as to not upset my Dad. I REALLY hope I have the guts to end it after he goes.

Well, thank you for reading all this if you got this far. It's a relief to rant here because I can't really say it in real life. I hope you are getting through your respective days bearably. Love and hugs to you all, my extended suicidal family.

 

[freedompass]

Bless you Forever Sleep that was beautifully written with a lovely balance to it. Like. You are managing to contain the variety of emotions that you feel and even observe them impartially. This is the writing of someone who loves and respects themself. If that strikes you as weird gentle reader, that's because…

It's not something you hear here very often

Who knew it was possible to be at peace with who you are while still half wishing you were aborted?

There really are so many ways of being suicidal

 

[Pluto]

One comment that I can make is that it is important to view situation with your stepsibling accurately. The temptation to compare this era to other people's traumas can be very misleading.

In my own case, I had a narcissistic family that appeared respectable enough to outsiders and was mostly free of physical violence. Yet just being around them, their bullying and their mechanical, dehumanised attitude towards me messed me up with full-blown cPTSD. The result was worse than people I've known who have lived through war and sexual trauma. And, just as the family likes it, it appears that nothing ever happened and I am just a troublemaker for having lived a maladjusted life.

It sounds like what happened was more serious than first appears and should not be compared with other people who have more 'serious' traumas. Whatever you have been through and the way it has affected you is valid in its own right. If it's enough to initiate a lifetime of suicidal ideation, it must have been enormously difficult.

As for work, yes it can really suck. For some people, employment is a necessary evil which funds things that bring them fulfilment or meaning in life - probably family. For others, they might find something that they enjoy reasonably, or at least have a sense of shared accomplishment that helps them bond with coworkers. I've stuck with something unfulfilling just because it seems that everything else out there is even worse.

If you are able to find something part-time and continue your freelance work, that might enable some fulfilment to remain. Or it may be possible to enter a new arena via some sort of study.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Thank you SO much @freedompass and @Pluto. Both your beautiful and sensitive replies have brought me to tears. It's just so lovely that people out there care and empathise. I'm SO grateful for this place and the people here. ❤❤

@freedompass - You know- I think you're right. I definitely have a number of fucked up insecurities and issues but overall, I think I do respect myself (now more than I used to anyhow.) I guess I've sort of thought about that in the past. Part of my childhood was pretty messed up but the first ten years were very loving. My Mum died when I was 3. My Dad worked- so my Grandma brought me up and she gave me a very stable beginning under the circumstances. I think I largely owe it to that. That struck me the other day on here- I was reading that thread on: 'How much do you hate yourself.' I was surprised because I thought I had a lot of self hatred but I realised that the number would actually be fairly low. I couldn't decide in the end.

My heart absolutely broke for people who maxed out at 10 and even way, way over. I just wondered what kind of life you would have to suffer for it to destroy your own self. It makes me angry that people here have suffered so much (likely at the hands of others.)

@Pluto I can't tell you how much your post means to me. I expect you'll understand this- being a victim of narcissistic abuse also (and I'm SO sorry for you) but just validation means so much. I don't know if this happened to you but I started to actually wonder whether I had done some of the things they accused me of. I got so confused! Part of the fear is that no one in the future will believe you because some people didn't at the time.

Not to say I'm a saint- I've done some stuff I'm not proud of- although ironically, not to them- they were far too scary. It really has only been within the past few years that I thought about how fucked up it all was and stumbled across You Tube videos on narcissism and it was all there. It was a weirdly elated feeling because (even though it's only my diagnosis), I felt like it was an actual thing with a name.

I'm sure SO many people on here have had traumatic events in childhood. You're at your most vulnerable after all and still developing your ideas on the world. No wonder you're set back when the environment is hostile. I feel so bad for you and I think the very worst of it is like you say- people don't see the truth.

Regarding work, I have had a couple of Head of Department jobs which were still creative but very stressful. I should have stuck with one of them really. Freelance was a big risk and covid has really messed things up. Honestly, I've done the re-study thing once already! (A second degree- thank you inheritance money!) I think you're right though- finding something to go alongside freelancing would give me more chance of hanging on to the sanity I have left!

I'm sorry that you feel unfulfilled at work- still- perhaps you are right- the devil you know and all that. I did actually ask one of the companies I worked for to take me back but they've got nothing. Oh well. Just have to keep reluctantly trying I guess.

Thank you both again for your beautiful replies. Big hugs ❤

 

[freedompass]

Thank you SO much @freedompass and @Pluto. Both your beautiful and sensitive replies have brought me to tears. It's just so lovely that people out there care and empathise. I'm SO grateful for this place and the people here. ❤❤

@freedompass - You know- I think you're right. I definitely have a number of fucked up insecurities and issues but overall, I think I do respect myself (now more than I used to anyhow.) I guess I've sort of thought about that in the past. Part of my childhood was pretty messed up but the first ten years were very loving. My Mum died when I was 3. My Dad worked- so my Grandma brought me up and she gave me a very stable beginning under the circumstances. I think I largely owe it to that. That struck me the other day on here- I was reading that thread on: 'How much do you hate yourself.' I was surprised because I thought I had a lot of self hatred but I realised that the number would actually be fairly low. I couldn't decide in the end.

My heart absolutely broke for people who maxed out at 10 and even way, way over. I just wondered what kind of life you would have to suffer for it to destroy your own self. It makes me angry that people here have suffered so much (likely at the hands of others.)

@Pluto I can't tell you how much your post means to me. I expect you'll understand this- being a victim of narcissistic abuse also (and I'm SO sorry for you) but just validation means so much. I don't know if this happened to you but I started to actually wonder whether I had done some of the things they accused me of. I got so confused! Part of the fear is that no one in the future will believe you because some people didn't at the time.

Not to say I'm a saint- I've done some stuff I'm not proud of- although ironically, not to them- they were far too scary. It really has only been within the past few years that I thought about how fucked up it all was and stumbled across You Tube videos on narcissism and it was all there. It was a weirdly elated feeling because (even though it's only my diagnosis), I felt like it was an actual thing with a name.

I'm sure SO many people on here have had traumatic events in childhood. You're at your most vulnerable after all and still developing your ideas on the world. No wonder you're set back when the environment is hostile. I feel so bad for you and I think the very worst of it is like you say- people don't see the truth.

Regarding work, I have had a couple of Head of Department jobs which were still creative but very stressful. I should have stuck with one of them really. Freelance was a big risk and covid has really messed things up. Honestly, I've done the re-study thing once already! (A second degree- thank you inheritance money!) I think you're right though- finding something to go alongside freelancing would give me more chance of hanging on to the sanity I have left!

I'm sorry that you feel unfulfilled at work- still- perhaps you are right- the devil you know and all that. I did actually ask one of the companies I worked for to take me back but they've got nothing. Oh well. Just have to keep reluctantly trying I guess.

Thank you both again for your beautiful replies. Big hugs ❤

You're a darling Forever Sleep mwa!

@Pluto ain't bad either

 

[Pluto]

I don't know if this happened to you but I started to actually wonder whether I had done some of the things they accused me of. I got so confused!

Yes, this has been a big challenge for me, too. The family never came clean about past abuse and there was no external validation, so I wondered if anything ever happened even though at the same time, I know for certain that it did! One 'benefit' of other types of trauma - say, serious accidents - is people at least know what happened and don't have to deal with this gaslighting in the aftermath.

In most cases, the child in the situation is left to assume blame. They feel guilt on behalf of the actual perpetrators. And if the child does act out in response to the dysfunctional environment, then they feel like they have 'proven' that they are troublemakers and the allegations against them are true. A vicious circle. This endless internal struggle is what can make it so psychologically traumatic, unless there is good support.

When I first stumbled across the Wikipedia article on dysfunctional families, that was my big lightbulb moment. You might find it helpful, too. Either way, sending hugs!