Venting Successful on the outside, miserable on the inside

[struggles_inc]

I have read posts about people being unsatisfied with their degree or career situations. That is a completely valid reason for depression, which sometimes makes me feel mine is not.
I don't have a problem with things like that. Got lucky, I guess. But even though I have this, I feel stupid and ungrateful for still thinking my life sucks.

I feel extremely lonely, and being surrounded by dozens of people every day (because of work) makes it somehow worse. Like here, there so many strangers you meet, but no, no one will connect with you ever. It's like being shown food when you're starving.
After a few heartbreaking moments last month I think I lost it. I don't know if I will be around, I don't know if anything interests me anymore.
I struggle to get back to recovery. Thank God I'm not drinking as much as I used to. But my process still sucks and I fail a lot. Motivation to get better is so scarce it barely exists. It's not in my character to give up, I'm quite stubborn when it comes to goals, but…

I'm just too tired. I don't know what's real.
I want to feel like I matter, but I have always been in a highly competitive environment and I'm used to other people trying to prove to me I don't matter at all.
I really, really want to feel like I matter, but lately people tell me this only when they want some benefits from me.
All I get is criticism and insults. No support, no love, no care.

I'm sorry if this thread sounds like a brag. Many individuals from my surrounding think I'm a narcissist and an arrogant brat. Told that straight to my face.

I don't know what to believe. I'm so confused.
Maybe I really am garbage and I don't deserve to live, maybe that's why I got isolated and lonely.

 

[theboy]

don't let yourself be crushed by criticism and bad opinions from others, especially in work environments.

 

[rizleechboy]

Relatable, I think. I get basically straight As at university and I always feel that it negates that I'm depressed and suicidal. My room is a mess, I have no friends, nothing feels fulfilling. But I get good grades and do all my work. It's all anxiety rather than real motivation, as if I'm being forced to do all of it by my own body because I'm so stressed over it. Same sort of thing with being autistic. I'm almost completely sure, my therapist agrees I'm autistic too, but I'm not officially diagnosed. I have no academic issues and I have no need for accomodations. I'm good working in groups even. But as soon as class ends, people don't really care about me. No real connections at all. So yeah, I know what you mean. Sorry for writing so much on your post, but I definitely understand your situation.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I work a high paying job that was my dream job. Great company, people are nice, good benefits and salary. I'm successful and yet I'm extremely lonely. I hate the fake niceness of people at work, pretending we are all best friends when they couldn't care less about others. Everyone already has their group of friends, they don't me or anyone else at work but yet they still pretend they care when they don't.

I understand how you feel, somehow being successful feels horrible because you just think: my life is good and I'm miserable so what's left? there is nothing to improve on, if one has it all and it's not emough then there is nothing left.

You're not the only one...

 

[uzuf86]

I'm a very accomplished person in terms of money and career. I have a huge amount of money saved but I absolutely ruined my life along the way. Now I have no reason to live.

 

[tbroken]

I know from a lot of time that my life sucks.
I have and always will have the worst life ever, most of the people i met in my life are narcisists, vicious and stuff... It was always hell, from the beginning to the end.
I have to leave my place and go to a big town to find a little bit of peace. My parents gave me a difficult mission to accomplish.

 

[struggles_inc]

don't let yourself be crushed by criticism and bad opinions from others, especially in work environments.

Thank you, I'll try.

It's all anxiety rather than real motivation, as if I'm being forced to do all of it by my own body because I'm so stressed over it.

Yes. So true. Forcing yourself and pushing yourself on a regular basis, so used to it like it's nothing.

I hate the fake niceness of people at work, pretending we are all best friends when they couldn't care less about others

Also very true. I recently unfriended a person like that. I'm just done with pretending and being treated like a tool.

absolutely ruined my life along the way

Sometimes I feel like if you achieve anything, people immediately start resenting you over petty stuff. It's like a payment for what you accomplished I guess.

difficult mission to accomplish

My parents never pushed me directly, but they had high standards and, when I didn't meet those standards, the disappointment was very well felt. So I completely understand.

But as soon as class ends, people don't really care about me. No real connections at all.

Some time ago I actually started cooking for my class. I come from a non-western culture and wanted to wow my classmates with traditional cooking. Even though they liked it, I didn't really feel like anyone wanted to connect. But that is still good for your reputation. Giving people treats, I mean.

 

[juna]

Feel the same. It is said loneliness is equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. I wonder why we are so lonely... I tried to make friends but I can't find any connection with most people. I have no one to really talk to, sit and cry in front of the tv, don't feel like getting out of the blanket. I talk to myself so much now. I sit in front of the tv and pause the movie and then give a monologue sitting alone about my opinion of the show. I pity myself.

 

[tbroken]

Feel the same. It is said loneliness is equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. I wonder why we are so lonely... I tried to make friends but I can't find any connection with most people. I have no one to really talk to, sit and cry in front of the tv, don't feel like getting out of the blanket. I talk to myself so much now. I sit in front of the tv and pause the movie and then give a monologue sitting alone about my opinion of the show. I pity myself.

LOL, i do exactly the same but also with YT videos, society and philosophy.

 

[juna]

LOL, i do exactly the same but also with YT videos, society and philosophy.

I am glad I am not alone monologuing. It is nice to hear a voice even if it's your own. I sometimes think how intelligent I am based on my opinions but too sad, my genius brain is broken.

 

[tbroken]

I am glad I am not alone monologuing. It is nice to hear a voice even if it's your own. I sometimes think how intelligent I am based on my opinions but too sad, my genius brain is broken.

I don't know if my brain is broken, for sure it doesn't work 100% like before, but it works enough to stay safe and keep me good company.

 

[TiredOfAllThis]

I might appear successful to others but I've been very unhappy throughout my whole life.

Only recently found out that I have been on the autistic spectrum since the beginning