futurebuscatcher
Cat Connoisseur
- Sep 15, 2024
- 67
I swear to God every time I try to kill myself something pops up or goes wrong. The rope I got didn't work. I keep getting busy. The days I'm finally ready to go through with it are the days I can't physically move. My notes always need reworking.
There's also some stupid coincidences.
When I wanted to walk into traffic someone earlier in the week did it and it was awful and made me double think it. When my mood dips I suddenly get a bunch of anti suicide posts and the occasional person wanting to talk to me. When I was thinking about self harming a family member ended up crashing at mine making it difficult. When I was ready to kill myself if school didn't work out I somehow got accepted into a dream college that alleviated that stress only partially cause it's gonna be HELL. When I tried to source drugs the dealers in my phone were gone. Most packages can't get delivered to my address for SN.
And I swear to God. Always when I'm about to go someone needs something or another loose end needs tying.
It's like this shitty world wants me to live and get better yet nothing around me does. Nothing works. How is it that there feels like there's signs of everything around me wanting me to live and yet I still feel so miserable.
Even more mockingly, everyone around me are always so happy and in great moods. So much good shit is happening to them and for some reason everyone's much more social with me talking about how happy they are and how their days have been.
I mean fucking hell I posted about how I took a break from my friend group and yet somehow more irls came to fill the gap randomly during my absolutely miserable birthday week.
I don't get it how can everyone around me be so happy and I haven't felt like that once in my god damn life. How is it that people have never even thought of suicide and yet the day I learned I could die I wanted to?
I mean fucking hell it feels like this keeps happening because someone's out there enjoying my suffering.
When I'm not so exhausted and lazy I'm gonna get another rope but then what? My anchor point is shit and with how this is going it's probably going to break or my roommate will walk in. Or I'll somehow live severly disabled and even more miserable. What the fuck do I even do?
This rant is fucking shit and all over the place but I needed to let it out excuse rhe stupid typos
There's also some stupid coincidences.
When I wanted to walk into traffic someone earlier in the week did it and it was awful and made me double think it. When my mood dips I suddenly get a bunch of anti suicide posts and the occasional person wanting to talk to me. When I was thinking about self harming a family member ended up crashing at mine making it difficult. When I was ready to kill myself if school didn't work out I somehow got accepted into a dream college that alleviated that stress only partially cause it's gonna be HELL. When I tried to source drugs the dealers in my phone were gone. Most packages can't get delivered to my address for SN.
And I swear to God. Always when I'm about to go someone needs something or another loose end needs tying.
It's like this shitty world wants me to live and get better yet nothing around me does. Nothing works. How is it that there feels like there's signs of everything around me wanting me to live and yet I still feel so miserable.
Even more mockingly, everyone around me are always so happy and in great moods. So much good shit is happening to them and for some reason everyone's much more social with me talking about how happy they are and how their days have been.
I mean fucking hell I posted about how I took a break from my friend group and yet somehow more irls came to fill the gap randomly during my absolutely miserable birthday week.
I don't get it how can everyone around me be so happy and I haven't felt like that once in my god damn life. How is it that people have never even thought of suicide and yet the day I learned I could die I wanted to?
I mean fucking hell it feels like this keeps happening because someone's out there enjoying my suffering.
When I'm not so exhausted and lazy I'm gonna get another rope but then what? My anchor point is shit and with how this is going it's probably going to break or my roommate will walk in. Or I'll somehow live severly disabled and even more miserable. What the fuck do I even do?
This rant is fucking shit and all over the place but I needed to let it out excuse rhe stupid typos
