Venting Stupid Coward

[lostintheloop]

I'm a stupid useless pathetic coward. I've attempted ctb before so it shouldn't be this hard. It's just different method feels a lot harder but I have to . No one ever believes me but genuinely forces in the system controlling the universe have been messed up because of me. When you live past your fated death date it messes everything up. And I was an error in the system to begin with. No one will help me save the innocent lives, people who don't want to die but will because i've been selfish and still living. So it's all down to me and it's a lot of pressure. And the system is closing in and soon it'll be too late.
I have every reason to die and none to live so why is it so hard. I need to pull myself together and end it. People are already dying and in danger. I can fix at least most of it. I can save people, sadly too late for some but many to save still . It's simple just ctb i can do this . I can do it . Why am i so weak and useless . I am evil anyone who says otherwise is a liar .
You might not believe in the system now but one day everyone will see I promise.

 

[2messdup]

I'm a stupid useless pathetic coward. I've attempted ctb before so it shouldn't be this hard. It's just different method feels a lot harder but I have to . No one ever believes me but genuinely forces in the system controlling the universe have been messed up because of me. When you live past your fated death date it messes everything up. And I was an error in the system to begin with. No one will help me save the innocent lives, people who don't want to die but will because i've been selfish and still living. So it's all down to me and it's a lot of pressure. And the system is closing in and soon it'll be too late.
I have every reason to die and none to live so why is it so hard. I need to pull myself together and end it. People are already dying and in danger. I can fix at least most of it. I can save people, sadly too late for some but many to save still . It's simple just ctb i can do this . I can do it . Why am i so weak and useless . I am evil anyone who says otherwise is a liar .
You might not believe in the system now but one day everyone will see I promise.

I'm a stupid useless pathetic coward. I've attempted ctb before so it shouldn't be this hard. It's just different method feels a lot harder but I have to . No one ever believes me but genuinely forces in the system controlling the universe have been messed up because of me. When you live past your fated death date it messes everything up. And I was an error in the system to begin with. No one will help me save the innocent lives, people who don't want to die but will because i've been selfish and still living. So it's all down to me and it's a lot of pressure. And the system is closing in and soon it'll be too late.
I have every reason to die and none to live so why is it so hard. I need to pull myself together and end it. People are already dying and in danger. I can fix at least most of it. I can save people, sadly too late for some but many to save still . It's simple just ctb i can do this . I can do it . Why am i so weak and useless . I am evil anyone who says otherwise is a liar .
You might not believe in the system now but one day everyone will see I promise

I'm a stupid useless pathetic coward. I've attempted ctb before so it shouldn't be this hard. It's just different method feels a lot harder but I have to . No one ever believes me but genuinely forces in the system controlling the universe have been messed up because of me. When you live past your fated death date it messes everything up. And I was an error in the system to begin with. No one will help me save the innocent lives, people who don't want to die but will because i've been selfish and still living. So it's all down to me and it's a lot of pressure. And the system is closing in and soon it'll be too late.
I have every reason to die and none to live so why is it so hard. I need to pull myself together and end it. People are already dying and in danger. I can fix at least most of it. I can save people, sadly too late for some but many to save still . It's simple just ctb i can do this . I can do it . Why am i so weak and useless . I am evil anyone who says otherwise is a liar .
You might not believe in the system now but one day everyone will see I promise.

Oh bless you. You're none of those things. You know why it's harder this time. Because of the impact on the driver and witnesses, and how it will affect their lives forever. You're a good person who is trying so hard to do the right thing but it isn't clear what that is I think, and you're resisting hurting others. I wish there was something I could do to help. I'm thinking of you every day xxxx

 

[lostintheloop]

Oh bless you. You're none of those things. You know why it's harder this time. Because of the impact on the driver and witnesses, and how it will affect their lives forever. You're a good person who is trying so hard to do the right thing but it isn't clear what that is I think, and you're resisting hurting others. I wish there was something I could do to help. I'm thinking of you every day xxxx

Thank you so much for all your kindness and understanding xx

 

[lostintheloop]

So I cancelled a trip and event with my sibling as feel too much like shit and anxious to go and pretend to enjoy it. A relative is going in my place but now I'm terrified as voices in my head saying terrible things will happen to them and many strangers at the event. Because they had to die in my place anyway so now they took my place at event it all lines up . I know the system might just be frightening me but it all matches up with previous warnings and also stuff that's happened lately in news . So i'm so scared it's truth.after I talked to parents about struggling in vague way (just about anxiety and event) they put another microchip in my ear so I know they're in on it in some way. Painful and swollen where it is but can't see dr. Likely my parents are involuntarily controlled but can't trust them.
I can't ctb before the event and i don't think it'd fix this part anyway . All I can do is wait and hope it's empty threats from system. Or maybe they'll give me more messages and a chance to fix this idk. But I'm falling

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

I hope you can take the time off to rest up a bit and feel a little bit better
if you feel it's out of your hands anyway, might as well try to stop worrying about it.
I know easier said than done..!

 

[Whale_bones]

So I cancelled a trip and event with my sibling as feel too much like shit and anxious to go and pretend to enjoy it. A relative is going in my place but now I'm terrified as voices in my head saying terrible things will happen to them and many strangers at the event.

It sounds like cancelling was a good idea, since you know you'd be feeling crappy and having to put on an act the whole time. Our situations aren't the same, but I have to make decisions about cancelling things quite often because of my physical health. I simultaneously feel relieved and like I'm doing what's necessary for myself, but also guilty and like a failure that I can't show up to the plans.

The waves of guilt are intense sometimes, even if I logically know that it was right for me to cancel, and I can't help that I'm too ill, etc. It's something my brain just does- gives me these waves of guilt, almost like it's punishing me.

Again, I know you're dealing with a whole extra thing that adds so much stress to your situation. Just wanted to say that I get feeling conflicted and stressed after canceling, even when you know it's the best outcome. Hugs to you, hopefully you can get some rest/relaxation during this time

 

[lostintheloop]

It sounds like cancelling was a good idea, since you know you'd be feeling crappy and having to put on an act the whole time. Our situations aren't the same, but I have to make decisions about cancelling things quite often because of my physical health. I simultaneously feel relieved and like I'm doing what's necessary for myself, but also guilty and like a failure that I can't show up to the plans.

The waves of guilt are intense sometimes, even if I logically know that it was right for me to cancel, and I can't help that I'm too ill, etc. It's something my brain just does- gives me these waves of guilt, almost like it's punishing me.

Again, I know you're dealing with a whole extra thing that adds so much stress to your situation. Just wanted to say that I get feeling conflicted and stressed after canceling, even when you know it's the best outcome. Hugs to you, hopefully you can get some rest/relaxation during this time

I'm really sorry you deal with those conflicting feelings too. It's hard letting people down even when necessary

Thank you for your understanding and kindness

 

[lostintheloop]

Still nothing from services either. Couple more emails to practice manager last week from a relative. The manager then contacted the primary care team rather than the individual practitioner to chase up this. this was only friday so could take a couple more days if they do reply but not holding out much hope given how many times this has been chased up and now it's been 2 months no word.
Enquired with a private therapist and psychologist to maybe see what they can do . But it's mostly to get family off my back about it as they're worried since i've withdrawn from everything. I don't think I can put myself through therapy again as I want death not to feel better . And i whilst I wish i was free of the mind control, i don't see how a therapist can stop that.

 

[dolemitedrums]

I don't think you are a coward. I would rather you really gave antipsychotic medications a try rather than end your life because of these beliefs...but you already know that. I think you have a shot at actually being happy without these beliefs though.

 

[lostintheloop]

I don't think you are a coward. I would rather you really gave antipsychotic medications a try rather than end your life because of these beliefs...but you already know that. I think you have a shot at actually being happy without these beliefs though.

Thank you
I doubt I'd be happy without 'these beliefs' . Long before the system took control I had ctb attempts, SH, tried various therapies, medications, been in and out of various services, been sectioned etc. All of this was before any of these 'beliefs'. Despite everything I tried was still deeply unhappy .
If somehow I could get out of the control, at least I can ctb on my terms but either way life is not worth living for me and hasn't been for a long time.

 

[dolemitedrums]

Thank you
I doubt I'd be happy without 'these beliefs' . Long before the system took control I had ctb attempts, SH, tried various therapies, medications, been in and out of various services, been sectioned etc. All of this was before any of these 'beliefs'. Despite everything I tried was still deeply unhappy .
If somehow I could get out of the control, at least I can ctb on my terms but either way life is not worth living for me and hasn't been for a long time.

Did you have other beliefs or ideas that some would consider unrealistic at times before the system took control?

 

[lostintheloop]

Did you have other beliefs or ideas that some would consider unrealistic at times before the system took control?

No never . Nothing beyond the usual negative thoughts that are common in depression (e.g everyone hates me even when evidence against it etc.) . I've never been superstitious, spiritual, never believed in the supernatural , religion, fate, conspiracy theories or anything like that.
So it was very confusing when I started to believe in the system as it challenges all my usual beliefs about the world. I wouldn't believe it without evidence though so I'm sure of it

 

[dolemitedrums]

No never . Nothing beyond the usual negative thoughts that are common in depression (e.g everyone hates me even when evidence against it etc.) . I've never been superstitious, spiritual, never believed in the supernatural , religion, fate, conspiracy theories or anything like that.
So it was very confusing when I started to believe in the system as it challenges all my usual beliefs about the world. I wouldn't believe it without evidence though so I'm sure of it

Sorry that you have spent so much time unhappy. I still think you deserve a fair shake at things without believing in the microchips and the system control...no guarantee you would be "happy happy" but I have to think you would be happier than you are now anyway. You seem to have been in nothing but acute continuous stress since I first saw you posting on here.

 

[lostintheloop]

Sorry that you have spent so much time unhappy. I still think you deserve a fair shake at things without believing in the microchips and the system control...no guarantee you would be "happy happy" but I have to think you would be happier than you are now anyway. You seem to have been in nothing but acute continuous stress since I first saw you posting on here.

Thank you.
That's true I guess . Before the control, even at my lowest points , it took a lot of effort and masking but I was still seeing friends sometimes, regularly messaging them, exercising sometimes too. Had to take time out but eventually finished uni .
Now I do very little, no study or work, no gym, can't even reply to messages from friends. And that's mostly because of the system. Whilst I was anxious before this , what you say about acute stress is true. It's just a new normal to me but before I was never this on edge and so paranoid all the time.
So that's true my life would improve a bit without it , not enough to live but at least some. But the only way out of system is ctb so feels irrelevant

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Thank you.
That's true I guess . Before the control, even at my lowest points , it took a lot of effort and masking but I was still seeing friends sometimes, regularly messaging them, exercising sometimes too. Had to take time out but eventually finished uni .
Now I do very little, no study or work, no gym, can't even reply to messages from friends. And that's mostly because of the system. Whilst I was anxious before this , what you say about acute stress is true. It's just a new normal to me but before I was never this on edge and so paranoid all the time.
So that's true my life would improve a bit without it , not enough to live but at least some. But the only way out of system is ctb so feels irrelevant

It sounds like you had something to live for once upon a time.

It doesn't sound too promising, but maybe private could help indeed? And if not you've tried for your family.

Did the system just.. happen one day? Like one day you're mildly ok and the next they're (it's) there?

Every time I see you post and feel your pain I just want to squeeze it out of you with a giant hug

Today off all days is a really bad day. Can't even keep any food down.
Yesterday I snapped at the only relative I still see every now and then. I apologized but..
Faking I'm ok gets harder with each passing week. Can't imagine doing the same but then with a system telling me things. Uhlg.. I wish I'd be able to fix all of us with just a snap of the fingers!

 

[lostintheloop]

It sounds like you had something to live for once upon a time.

It doesn't sound too promising, but maybe private could help indeed? And if not you've tried for your family.

Did the system just.. happen one day? Like one day you're mildly ok and the next they're (it's) there?

Every time I see you post and feel your pain I just want to squeeze it out of you with a giant hug

Today off all days is a really bad day. Can't even keep any food down.
Yesterday I snapped at the only relative I still see every now and then. I apologized but..
Faking I'm ok gets harder with each passing week. Can't imagine doing the same but then with a system telling me things. Uhlg.. I wish I'd be able to fix all of us with just a snap of the fingers!

It happened quite gradually. Just one day I suddenly realised I'd lived passed my death date. I could just strongly feel it and realised others would die in my place. Then I started having thoughts like 'if I don't do X, Y happens' and then over time realised they weren't my thoughts . Then things just kept getting worse like voices, helicopters etc. as they gained more control .

Thank you so much sending hugs your way too.

I'm sorry you're having such a rough day , that sounds awful not being able to keep anything down. Had there been a trigger (no pressure to share) or just woke up feeling shit ? It's so hard to have patience for people around you when you're suffering so much and have a lot on your mind. It's not your fault you snapped but i understand it's hard to let go of the guilt. You're trying your best
It sounds exhausting having to fake all the time as things get worse.


Yes it's horrible how much suffering you see on here so many so much worse than anything I've ever experienced. I really wish i could erase everyones suffering too and that everyone could find peace in whatever way they wish.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

It happened quite gradually. Just one day I suddenly realised I'd lived passed my death date. I could just strongly feel it and realised others would die in my place. Then I started having thoughts like 'if I don't do X, Y happens' and then over time realised they weren't my thoughts . Then things just kept getting worse like voices, helicopters etc. as they gained more control .

Thank you so much sending hugs your way too.

I'm sorry you're having such a rough day , that sounds awful not being able to keep anything down. Had there been a trigger (no pressure to share) or just woke up feeling shit ? It's so hard to have patience for people around you when you're suffering so much and have a lot on your mind. It's not your fault you snapped but i understand it's hard to let go of the guilt. You're trying your best
It sounds exhausting having to fake all the time as things get worse.


Yes it's horrible how much suffering you see on here so many so much worse than anything I've ever experienced. I really wish i could erase everyones suffering too and that everyone could find peace in whatever way they wish.

That sounds weird. As in weird to experience and to realize. Realizing it isn't yourself you hear in your head. My head is chaotic but at least it's all me.
I'm sorry. I get the death date feeling btw. Both my mom and me had it. (And we both over-lived it. Luckily nothing else happened except disappointment in my case at the time)

Yeah. Been sleeping for 3 - 4 hours a night. I just can't fall sleep for some reason (longcovid), and the nightmares keep waking me up once I do. That's the main trigger for the longcovid symptoms (too little sleep). And needing to mask so heavily when my relative stays a few days at my home is so draining.

Today I worked for 1,5 hour for the first time after being too ill for almost 2 years. After that any chance I had on my body accepting food was just gone.. Sensory overload biggg time.
(It was slightly satisfying though.)

Luckily it seldoms lasts longer than a few days.

You are right. I'm trying my ass off to get myself back on track no matter how much I want to die. As long as my cats live ❤ I'll just have to as well. They deserve the best life I can give them.

Just wish it felt as if it helped me as well. Instead I'm getting more and more tired from extra stress and managing my symptoms.
Thanks for your kind words I don't like myself when I snap. I hold some pride on still having some selfcontrol. But you're right, I try really hard!

 

[lostintheloop]

That sounds weird. As in weird to experience and to realize. Realizing it isn't yourself you hear in your head. My head is chaotic but at least it's all me.
I'm sorry. I get the death date feeling btw. Both my mom and me had it. (And we both over-lived it. Luckily nothing else happened except disappointment in my case at the time)

Yeah. Been sleeping for 3 - 4 hours a night. I just can't fall sleep for some reason (longcovid), and the nightmares keep waking me up once I do. That's the main trigger for the longcovid symptoms (too little sleep). And needing to mask so heavily when my relative stays a few days at my home is so draining.

Today I worked for 1,5 hour for the first time after being too ill for almost 2 years. After that any chance I had on my body accepting food was just gone.. Sensory overload biggg time.
(It was slightly satisfying though.)

Luckily it seldoms lasts longer than a few days.

You are right. I'm trying my ass off to get myself back on track no matter how much I want to die. As long as my cats live ❤ I'll just have to as well. They deserve the best life I can give them.

Just wish it felt as if it helped me as well. Instead I'm getting more and more tired from extra stress and managing my symptoms.
Thanks for your kind words I don't like myself when I snap. I hold some pride on still having some selfcontrol. But you're right, I try really hard!

That must be so exhausting . I know sleep has such a huge impact on everything physically and mentally.
You did so well to manage 1.5hrs when you're going through so much, sorry it was so draining though. I know it's frustrating when you have to pick what you spend your energy/'spoons' on and other things suffer. Can only imagine it's so much harder with physical issues on top so really feel for yoy
I'm glad you're here and trying and so grateful for your support but sorry it's so miserable for you. I wish it felt worth it for yourself too, not just your cats x

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

That must be so exhausting . I know sleep has such a huge impact on everything physically and mentally.
You did so well to manage 1.5hrs when you're going through so much, sorry it was so draining though. I know it's frustrating when you have to pick what you spend your energy/'spoons' on and other things suffer. Can only imagine it's so much harder with physical issues on top so really feel for yoy
I'm glad you're here and trying and so grateful for your support but sorry it's so miserable for you. I wish it felt worth it for yourself too, not just your cats x

Yeah. I'll never look at a spoon the same again btw learned to hate 'spoons'

I had hoped to find a way with therapy, but just getting worse. I hope picking up a bit of a rhythm again will help. And with a nights sleep things might look a bit better again as well.

Thanks for your understanding. I really needed it today