Venting Stuff that i can't fit anywhere

[eternalflame]

Well this one is gonna be a mixed bag.
I think i'm getting dumber, i almost start my sentences with ay instead of i.
I got fat, i have 105 kg and i'm not gonna lie, it's not all muscle. Full suspension is out of question.
One of reasons for staying is having ill grandmother that took my divorced mother in. She doesn't walk so i wan't to help her but i can't force myself to live for somebody. On the other hand when she had heart attack i wasn't ready to kill myself.
They say people in depression are deluded into thinking that people around them will be better, i actualyy think that my family will be worse until they will get used to it.
It looks to me that people need to force themselves to live while for me it's other way around, i need to convince myself that it will get worse.
I'm low on energy so it's hard to kill myself. I would prefer to do it in the afternoon in my home instead of midnight in the woods but i don't have free house most of the time.

 

[ewigeruhe]

I am sorry that you are in this stressfull situation i couldn't bear it i think. I hope you find a way to manage it and find the peace you deserve whatever that is.

 

[Julgran]

Well this one is gonna be a mixed bag.
I think i'm getting dumber, i almost start my sentences with ay instead of i.
I got fat, i have 105 kg and i'm not gonna lie, it's not all muscle. Full suspension is out of question.
One of reasons for staying is having ill grandmother that took my divorced mother in. She doesn't walk so i wan't to help her but i can't force myself to live for somebody. On the other hand when she had heart attack i wasn't ready to kill myself.
They say people in depression are deluded into thinking that people around them will be better, i actualyy think that my family will be worse until they will get used to it.
It looks to me that people need to force themselves to live while for me it's other way around, i need to convince myself that it will get worse.
I'm low on energy so it's hard to kill myself. I would prefer to do it in the afternoon in my home instead of midnight in the woods but i don't have free house most of the time.

Going by your description, you are a thoughtful person, at least.

As for getting fat - who has not gained a few pounds during the pandemic..? Sure, you may be overweight, but if you decide to stay around in this life for some reason, those pounds can be removed with some exercise.

If you wish to end your life as soon as possible, do you think you could place your grandmother in an elderly home, so that she can be taken care of?

Try not to bring yourself down with those dark thoughts, because life is hard. You are still alive, which means that you are strong-willed

 

[FuneralCry]

This life really is so depressing and it sounds like you are going through a lot. I'm sorry that you are in this situation. Ctb is hard for me as well and I understand having no energy. Dying should not be this difficult, I think that we all deserve the option of a peaceful and reliable exit as we have suffered so much in life. I wish you peace.

 

[eternalflame]

Thank you. My family will take care of my grandmother, just not all day.

 

[toasterbath]

i feel u. dumb and fat is my middle name. and ya my depression is so bad too paired with meds that just make me more sleepy i don't know how to function anymore

 

[eternalflame]

Maybe you can change your meds? It takes time to adjust the dosage.
Well i have it good really, life is comparatively easy, i really don't care much like i don't feel much so it's kinda fine. Don't feel too sorry for me cause i am not in some pain from disease or something. The problem is i have alreade regreted not taking my life as life turns bad so i don't think i have much options, like if in my bests i'm gonna be so-so then what about my lowest? If i can't handle myself at my best how can i expect to live at my worst.
There is something weird on my mind. Like i'm Eternal FLame by Bangles (not intentional, it was more zoroastrian thing), i think Should i stay or should i go by Clash cause i'm Sick and Tired by Anastacia because Life is life by Opus. It's kinda funny when i think about it.