lawr
i love music more than i love myself
- Feb 21, 2025
- 25
It has long been in the back of my mind, the thought that dying would be so much easier than going through the motions, yet my feelings are different than a lot of people who's posts here I have read. I don't have an intrinsic discontent with life itself, or an overwhelming desire to tune out and ctb. I'm stuck in this weird limbo where life is unbearable enough for me to escape to thoughts of suicide, yet not so unbearable that I am fully driven to carry it out. And so as I am neither willing to fix my problems the traditional way or "solve" them by ctb, (even though part of me DEFINITELY wants it), my existence is completely as a victim to what happens around me. Just waiting to see what happens. Waiting to see if life magically fixes itself or if it gets bad enough that I finally have the motivation I need to ctb. I'm torn between wishing for either or.
Lately I've been meeting a lot of people who have been through similar or worse situations in life. Plenty of people who had terrible childhoods and had to deal with things I never had to. Yet these people have persevered, made something of themselves, and didn't let their past traumas define who they are. Can anyone help me understand how this is possible? My father was an abusive alcoholic, my mother did the best she could, but ultimately neglected me though it wasn't her intent. The amount of days I cried myself to sleep during childhood and adolescence outnumber the days I didn't by an absolute landslide. I don't know what it's like to feel like my family is emotionally available to me. I don't know what it feels like to be able to fully and comfortably be yourself around your family. I was yelled at, judged and misjudged, manipulated, and sometimes beaten all throughout childhood. This is just the tip of the iceberg as well. How am I supposed to not internalize these things? How am I supposed to "confront" them, as people do, and proceed to live a life where they don't interfere? These things left a massive emptiness in me, and as I mentioned in a previous post, a score to settle. For someone who isn't controlled by these things, where the fuck does it all go? Did they later find themselves in a situation where someone/something fulfilled the things they were missing? Are they simply stronger people? I can't, for the life of me, understand how people get over the things that unfairly happened to them. I feel like all the things that have unfairly happened to me have left me in a limbo where I can't do anything about anything, I can't help myself, I can't LIVE my LIFE without first fulfilling or eliminating these lacks in my soul. And when I can't do anything to help myself, the chances are smaller that my problems will be solved. Which prolongs them, making them greater. Which makes me suffer more, and be less inclined to solve them. The cycle goes on.
What's currently affecting me the worst at the moment has to be how niche or unattainable the things that give me any pleasure are now. I derive almost all of my joy nowadays from the prospect of finding the right partner who will be able to understand me, love and accept me for who I am, etc., which is highly unrealistic for me at the moment due to my lifestyle and how far I've let myself go. I'll chat with random girls, sometimes in real life but mostly on the web, for hours out of each day. Every once in a while I'll come across one that I could see myself having a connection with. Whether or not the feeling is mutual I am never able to pursue it because I'm just really bad at talking to people and the various complexes I've developed as a result of all the abuse and neglect constantly get in my way. This behavior is quite a controversial one as well, as anyone who is familiar with my previous posts will know, I'm in the process of getting over being dumped after 8 years of being with someone. While I surely don't want it to be true, I now know that she wasn't the one for me. I'm trying to find whoever IS the one as soon as possible so that I can stop being miserable, and we can make each other happy, become one, and all that nonsense. But chances are, even if I do find that person, I wouldn't even be able to get my foot in the door with them for the aforementioned reasons. Someone would have to be truly crazy to give someone like me a chance. And that's not your run of the mill self deprecation. I have truly let myself go these past couple years. The only other thing that I really have been chasing for happiness is spending time with friends, but as they get busier and busier, it's becoming less frequent.
The biggest, most beautiful passion I ever had in life once upon a time was classical music. I would play it on the piano and cello, and be whisked away somewhere else, somewhere more beautiful... It remains to this day my greatest love and what I see in it is not something I have ever personally known anyone else to see. I wish I could still have love for art and various craft the way I had before. The compositions of Liszt, Chopin, Scriabin, Ravel, etc., truly spoke to me in a way that felt so surreal and sometimes even supernatural. Classical music was a way for me to express myself when our language or my knowledge of it did not suffice. Nowadays, it's a footnote in my life, something I revisit with a slight nostalgia every now and then, its magic gone. The same can be said for any other thing I used to have great passion for. If typical hobbies like playing games, reading, and others don't bring me the same level of joy anymore, fine, I can deal with that, but I don't love the things I love anymore. Whatever fire I once had that allowed me to feel with such complexity and intensity is now fully extinguished. Life feels cold.
All these things that have happened to me, all the things I want so desperately with all my being but can't have, all the injustice... I don't want suicide to be the answer to it all but I surely feel as if there is no other solution. I'm keeping it as an option for now, and though I don't necessarily want death itself, everything I DO want is something I can't have, no matter how hard I try, and some of them, like physical features, are things I can't change no matter what, even if I was rich. My current feelings are that while I don't personally want ctb be the answer, I'm never going to be happy or fulfilled, so it unfortunately is. Part of me hopes my life really goes down the drain completely so that it'll be more justified.
Lately I've been meeting a lot of people who have been through similar or worse situations in life. Plenty of people who had terrible childhoods and had to deal with things I never had to. Yet these people have persevered, made something of themselves, and didn't let their past traumas define who they are. Can anyone help me understand how this is possible? My father was an abusive alcoholic, my mother did the best she could, but ultimately neglected me though it wasn't her intent. The amount of days I cried myself to sleep during childhood and adolescence outnumber the days I didn't by an absolute landslide. I don't know what it's like to feel like my family is emotionally available to me. I don't know what it feels like to be able to fully and comfortably be yourself around your family. I was yelled at, judged and misjudged, manipulated, and sometimes beaten all throughout childhood. This is just the tip of the iceberg as well. How am I supposed to not internalize these things? How am I supposed to "confront" them, as people do, and proceed to live a life where they don't interfere? These things left a massive emptiness in me, and as I mentioned in a previous post, a score to settle. For someone who isn't controlled by these things, where the fuck does it all go? Did they later find themselves in a situation where someone/something fulfilled the things they were missing? Are they simply stronger people? I can't, for the life of me, understand how people get over the things that unfairly happened to them. I feel like all the things that have unfairly happened to me have left me in a limbo where I can't do anything about anything, I can't help myself, I can't LIVE my LIFE without first fulfilling or eliminating these lacks in my soul. And when I can't do anything to help myself, the chances are smaller that my problems will be solved. Which prolongs them, making them greater. Which makes me suffer more, and be less inclined to solve them. The cycle goes on.
What's currently affecting me the worst at the moment has to be how niche or unattainable the things that give me any pleasure are now. I derive almost all of my joy nowadays from the prospect of finding the right partner who will be able to understand me, love and accept me for who I am, etc., which is highly unrealistic for me at the moment due to my lifestyle and how far I've let myself go. I'll chat with random girls, sometimes in real life but mostly on the web, for hours out of each day. Every once in a while I'll come across one that I could see myself having a connection with. Whether or not the feeling is mutual I am never able to pursue it because I'm just really bad at talking to people and the various complexes I've developed as a result of all the abuse and neglect constantly get in my way. This behavior is quite a controversial one as well, as anyone who is familiar with my previous posts will know, I'm in the process of getting over being dumped after 8 years of being with someone. While I surely don't want it to be true, I now know that she wasn't the one for me. I'm trying to find whoever IS the one as soon as possible so that I can stop being miserable, and we can make each other happy, become one, and all that nonsense. But chances are, even if I do find that person, I wouldn't even be able to get my foot in the door with them for the aforementioned reasons. Someone would have to be truly crazy to give someone like me a chance. And that's not your run of the mill self deprecation. I have truly let myself go these past couple years. The only other thing that I really have been chasing for happiness is spending time with friends, but as they get busier and busier, it's becoming less frequent.
The biggest, most beautiful passion I ever had in life once upon a time was classical music. I would play it on the piano and cello, and be whisked away somewhere else, somewhere more beautiful... It remains to this day my greatest love and what I see in it is not something I have ever personally known anyone else to see. I wish I could still have love for art and various craft the way I had before. The compositions of Liszt, Chopin, Scriabin, Ravel, etc., truly spoke to me in a way that felt so surreal and sometimes even supernatural. Classical music was a way for me to express myself when our language or my knowledge of it did not suffice. Nowadays, it's a footnote in my life, something I revisit with a slight nostalgia every now and then, its magic gone. The same can be said for any other thing I used to have great passion for. If typical hobbies like playing games, reading, and others don't bring me the same level of joy anymore, fine, I can deal with that, but I don't love the things I love anymore. Whatever fire I once had that allowed me to feel with such complexity and intensity is now fully extinguished. Life feels cold.
All these things that have happened to me, all the things I want so desperately with all my being but can't have, all the injustice... I don't want suicide to be the answer to it all but I surely feel as if there is no other solution. I'm keeping it as an option for now, and though I don't necessarily want death itself, everything I DO want is something I can't have, no matter how hard I try, and some of them, like physical features, are things I can't change no matter what, even if I was rich. My current feelings are that while I don't personally want ctb be the answer, I'm never going to be happy or fulfilled, so it unfortunately is. Part of me hopes my life really goes down the drain completely so that it'll be more justified.
