Hi, new here... Can't believe I never knew about this forum before - this is the first place I've ever seen anyone else with pro-choice views, instead of just being told 'you must be ill if you don't want to live'. I also hate the phrase 'keep yourself safe' with regards to the mental team...being alive is the most dangerous situation any of us will ever be in!!
I don't want to bore you all with my life story but basically I live with very severe health anxiety. My entire life is ruled by OCD rituals trying to keep me from any sort of harm. I am extremely sensitive to touch and have a very low pain threshold - really unable to cope with any sort of touch or pain, or illness or injury at all. I really struggle with bodily fluids, and bodily processes, trying to get food in and waste out every day (and I have frequent stomach and bowel issues making my life hell)...and knowing I have to continue to live with a 'ticking time bomb' of a body that will only ever get worse terrifies me constantly. Most people with health anxiety are scared of dying, I'm the opposite, I'm scared of living. I can't look after my body properly, but also know I can't cope when it breaks, I cant even get into the doctors surgery due to medical phobias letalone have tests or treatment... I do have several physical issues now which I'm just not able to have treated and will only get worse the longer I have to remain alive.
On top of that, I really have no reason to be here, I don't remember ever wanting to live or enjoying anything, I don't understand people and have never had any sort of 'relationship' and can't see that happening in future either. I can't work due to numerous health issues so I'm stuck on benefits, which I feel really guilty about but also it's not enough to cover the cost of living due to my health problems so I'm struggling for enough income to cover the rent etc. I can't cope with life, I can't afford to live, I can't contribute to society, and I don't get anything at all out of life...I just want to go.
This fear of illness and inability to cope with pain or any sort of medical intervention also stops me attempting to CTB though... I can't risk failing and ending up injured or in hospital. I have a fear of needles and meds and heights etc so there are so many methods I couldn't attempt even if I had the balls to! I think about CTB every day, think about drowning and hanging and jumping etc...knowing I could probably never go through with it, but also knowing I can't cope with continuing through life either.
I really feel like I'm stuck in an impossible situation, or between a rock and a hard place, and really have no idea what to do. I just try to get through one day at a time, sometimes just one hour at a time as I really can't cope with the idea that I might still be alive next week or next month...but I've been like this for over 16 years now and I just want it all to end. Every night I go to bed hoping and praying not to wake up the next day, or hoping that I end up in a fatal car accident or something else 'external' knowing I can't do it myself.
Sorry for the long post but I'm just so desperate for something to change now!
I don't want to bore you all with my life story but basically I live with very severe health anxiety. My entire life is ruled by OCD rituals trying to keep me from any sort of harm. I am extremely sensitive to touch and have a very low pain threshold - really unable to cope with any sort of touch or pain, or illness or injury at all. I really struggle with bodily fluids, and bodily processes, trying to get food in and waste out every day (and I have frequent stomach and bowel issues making my life hell)...and knowing I have to continue to live with a 'ticking time bomb' of a body that will only ever get worse terrifies me constantly. Most people with health anxiety are scared of dying, I'm the opposite, I'm scared of living. I can't look after my body properly, but also know I can't cope when it breaks, I cant even get into the doctors surgery due to medical phobias letalone have tests or treatment... I do have several physical issues now which I'm just not able to have treated and will only get worse the longer I have to remain alive.
On top of that, I really have no reason to be here, I don't remember ever wanting to live or enjoying anything, I don't understand people and have never had any sort of 'relationship' and can't see that happening in future either. I can't work due to numerous health issues so I'm stuck on benefits, which I feel really guilty about but also it's not enough to cover the cost of living due to my health problems so I'm struggling for enough income to cover the rent etc. I can't cope with life, I can't afford to live, I can't contribute to society, and I don't get anything at all out of life...I just want to go.
This fear of illness and inability to cope with pain or any sort of medical intervention also stops me attempting to CTB though... I can't risk failing and ending up injured or in hospital. I have a fear of needles and meds and heights etc so there are so many methods I couldn't attempt even if I had the balls to! I think about CTB every day, think about drowning and hanging and jumping etc...knowing I could probably never go through with it, but also knowing I can't cope with continuing through life either.
I really feel like I'm stuck in an impossible situation, or between a rock and a hard place, and really have no idea what to do. I just try to get through one day at a time, sometimes just one hour at a time as I really can't cope with the idea that I might still be alive next week or next month...but I've been like this for over 16 years now and I just want it all to end. Every night I go to bed hoping and praying not to wake up the next day, or hoping that I end up in a fatal car accident or something else 'external' knowing I can't do it myself.
Sorry for the long post but I'm just so desperate for something to change now!
