stuck in an alternate timeline

[AintNoWayOut]

anyone else fixate on how life would've turned out for them had it not been for a certain thing/set of things happening?

on one hand, i sometimes use it to cope by thinking "well even if it wasnt for x, y and z, life probably still would've turned out shitty, you were doomed from the start." but on the other hand, i often get obsessed over how much better things could/would have been compared to how they actually turned out... and its a tug of war between these two mindsets 24/7. my mind is a constant battle, thinking about an imaginary life where certain things didnt go so wrong, to distract myself from the horrible reality im in... and i cant fuckin stop myself from doing it. i think about my mistakes, if they're truly my fault, how i would've felt and how different things would've been had it not been for my mistakes, etc etc. i get its unhealthy, but the only alternative is to "live in the present" and embrace the path i've gone down, which is near impossible for me given how absurdly miserable everything has ended up. hence why im here and ready to end it, i cant take the stress of it anymore.

 

[rt1989526]

Yes I often wonder what exactly caused my BPD. Whether it was a specific event or series of events, and how I would have turned out had things been different. Given I am near the end it's something I think about alot these days.

 

[NightmareTour]

I think a lot about how different things could have been, or whether things were avoidable. Would it be possible to make different choices and just not catch a virus? Would everything else have been the same if I hadn't?

Different timelines are a weird thought, but definitely interesting.

 

[LastWhisper]

The same for me, but I'm such a dumb, who if would even avoid one thing, then will definitely screw up another one.

 

[MiseryLovesMyCompany]

I often think about my mistakes and how different things could have been. There is a somewhat recent one that I can't forgive myself for no matter what. Although in the end nothing will matter anyway, and I believe that I'm just broken beyond repair.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

anyone else fixate on how life would've turned out for them had it not been for a certain thing/set of things happening?

Oh yes. I have two events I am super fixated on, one that could allow me to pick a different career path and have a great social circle, and another one that was a really big mistake I made. I keep imagining the alternative reality and I've been doing it for years. And just like you, I am torn between an ideal picture of everything I've ever wanted but didn't let myself get, and a list of things that could've gone wrong anyway so that I end up in a life just as awful as the one I have. I really wish I could at least see a computer simulation or something, at least so that I can know how things would really turn out, whether I am fooling myself by fantasizing about how perfect it would be, or by trying to convince myself that those were the sour grapes anyway.

Would you mind sharing what your alternative reality looks like?

 

[SelfLiberation]

Yes, it's something that I'm thinking about everyday. I'm spending more time fantasising about my imaginary life, than thinking about my actual life. Constantly thinking what could've been if some things were different, if I could be born somewhere else. Imagining myself in situations that never happened nor will never happen.

I gave up on my real life a long time ago.

 

[AintNoWayOut]

Oh yes. I have two events I am super fixated on, one that could allow me to pick a different career path and have a great social circle, and another one that was a really big mistake I made. I keep imagining the alternative reality and I've been doing it for years. And just like you, I am torn between an ideal picture of everything I've ever wanted but didn't let myself get, and a list of things that could've gone wrong anyway so that I end up in a life just as awful as the one I have. I really wish I could at least see a computer simulation or something, at least so that I can know how things would really turn out, whether I am fooling myself by fantasizing about how perfect it would be, or by trying to convince myself that those were the sour grapes anyway.

Would you mind sharing what your alternative reality looks like?

very well put. i really do wish i could see that simulation, even for worse... the curiosity drives me insane.

my situation involves doing something which fucked up my body causing chronic pain, which led me down a path of social isolation among other things. so when thinking about how life would have been from this perspective, i think about how i would've hung out with my friends more in the last couple years of high school and into college (the problem began at 16, im almost 22 now), making new friends, having girlfriends/intimacy, going to parties, and just generally having a social life and experiencing normal things that most people do around that time in their life, most of which i missed out on. however, i then have to pinch myself and remember that even if it wasnt for the pain, i was still a somewhat depressed and very introverted person who struggled with socializing and probably would've taken the painlessness (which i wasnt even really aware of) for granted, and still missed out on a lot. yeah, life would've been a lot better, but i still had other problems and likely would've let opportunities slip by regardless... like, im sure i would have found plenty of other things to fuck up had it not been for the chronic pain. and again, i wouldnt be thinking from the perspective of "your body feels painless, go out and explore the world!!", i would've been oblivious to it and probably stayed in my bubble. keyword, probably... because i cant say for sure, which is frustrating. damn, im obsessing over it again.

so my alternative reality, ideally, would be one of seizing opportunities, having a social circle, girlfriend, hobbies and goals... but theres a solid chance i would've blown that all and ended up lonely and sad anyways. either way, the pain has been a net negative and largely contributed to me being suicidal sooo, even if the other paths would've been bad, this is one of the worst ones i could have taken.

 

[MiseryLovesMyCompany]

very well put. i really do wish i could see that simulation, even for worse... the curiosity drives me insane.

my situation involves doing something which fucked up my body causing chronic pain, which led me down a path of social isolation among other things. so when thinking about how life would have been from this perspective, i think about how i would've hung out with my friends more in the last couple years of high school and into college (the problem began at 16, im almost 22 now), making new friends, having girlfriends/intimacy, going to parties, and just generally having a social life and experiencing normal things that most people do around that time in their life, most of which i missed out on. however, i then have to pinch myself and remember that even if it wasnt for the pain, i was still a somewhat depressed and very introverted person who struggled with socializing and probably would've taken the painlessness (which i wasnt even really aware of) for granted, and still missed out on a lot. yeah, life would've been a lot better, but i still had other problems and likely would've let opportunities slip by regardless... like, im sure i would have found plenty of other things to fuck up had it not been for the chronic pain. and again, i wouldnt be thinking from the perspective of "your body feels painless, go out and explore the world!!", i would've been oblivious to it and probably stayed in my bubble. keyword, probably... because i cant say for sure, which is frustrating. damn, im obsessing over it again.

so my alternative reality, ideally, would be one of seizing opportunities, having a social circle, girlfriend, hobbies and goals... but theres a solid chance i would've blown that all and ended up lonely and sad anyways. either way, the pain has been a net negative and largely contributed to me being suicidal sooo, even if the other paths would've been bad, this is one of the worst ones i could have taken.

I'm not sure how comforting it is, but I experienced some of those yet fucked it up. Now here I am.

 

[AintNoWayOut]

I'm not sure how comforting it is, but I experienced some of those yet fucked it up. Now here I am.

i still think its better to have experienced those things than missed out on them, though. i look back on my late teens and see nothing but pain, frustration and loneliness. it fucks with you mentally to have had those years wasted... i feel like less of a person since i dont have much social experience under my belt. its like i cant relate to my peers. i feel like i have no background or "trophies", no stories to tell, no moments to look back on to feel good, no reputation, its just a blank slate and it makes me feel powerless. idk how to feel confident having missed out on a normal life/social life.

 

[KleinerWolf]

I have this alternate reality my mind live in where everything had gone right,
In fact they are next to perfection.

Im glad such reality exists for me, perhaps unhealthy but reality is too painful and I can only tolerate so much of it without going insane.

If it wasn't for my alternate reality coping,
I would have been long dead.
Although death would be better than living my current life situation, it still feels kinda shitty if I'm being honest.

 

[demuic]

I think about the things I should've done all the time... but I know, knowing what I knew then, there was no way I could've been able to make another "choice".

 

[rabbithole]

Oh yeah. If I didn't go to the ER on September 16th 2019 I'd be cuddling with my boyfriend right now watching Netflix. Instead I'm incessantly researching suicide and I have about 20 tabs open on my phone of searches relating to suicide - best methods, statistics, likelihood of surviving certain falls, celebrity suicides etc. I don't know why my life has come to this. It's absurd.

 

[opiatedreamz]

i do imagine sometimes what things would be like if certain events hadn't happened. but i just accept reality at the end of it all, really. i don't choose to daydream over things much anymore. i try not to focus on the "should've would've could've".

 

[Lilacmoon]

its interesting to think about. i used to do this a lot too until i realized that no matter how things went, I'd still be me, I'd still make crippling mistakes (because I'm me), and I'd still end up in this broken mess. I was inherently worthless from the start.
But it's a fun mental sidetrip either way to think of how else I would have fucked it all up.