I am feeling hopelessly frustrated right now so I decided to post about my main problems with living in the hopes of getting some sympathy. I am 22 years old and still stuck living with my parents, including my extremely frustrating to exist with father. I know that this is cliché to say and people will claim otherwise but I feel like he ruined my chances of living anything resembling a normal life. He almost completely isolated me from people outside of school or going outside at all, only letting me play video games when I came home. Which I liked at the time but I realized much later that the social isolation ruined my social skills and made it impossible for me productively interact within others.
Ever since I was five years old, I was not happy in this body and by the time I was twelve I was already so frustrated with living that I wanted to die regularly. Or rather I hoped that just like I came into existence seemingly without warning out of nowhere, that I would pop out one day. But I never did, which made me wake up every day and cry. If I wanted to talk to people outside of class my father would forbid it. He would force me to stay home, first when I was younger with emotional abuse, then when I was older and people were concerned about me, encouraging me to stand up to him, he threatened to throw me out into the street if I disobeyed him after I turned 18. He also criticized and belittled every single little thing I did and made me feel constantly afraid of messing up at anything. When I was in high school I had an argument with them because my high school required people to do 40 hours of volunteer work to graduate, and they wouldn't let me go out to do anything. Yet it was them who started the argument to get mad at me for not finding anything that lived up to their standards despite having shot down a ridiculous number of ideas. Because I didn't "value their time and they would have to waste time driving me everywhere." That despite the fact they deliberately moved to a place with no public transportation within walking distance and forbade me from driving. Living with them felt literally impossible.
I tried to move out of their place when I was 19, when one of my friends offered me a place to live for free while I figured out what to do. I had some money in the bank, considering that I had received some as gifts from relatives and such over the years but could never leave the house to actually spend it. I had to sneak out while they weren't looking as they would of course forbid me from leaving otherwise. They would probably have even tried to physically stop me had I tried to move to a different university as they had said they would. Back when I would have gone our law even had a legal loophole that would give them the right to do so, as my friend showed me a news article about at the time.
But that law was gone by then and so I could move to their house. But then my parents starting making threats to "forget" to feed their house cat that I loved the special food he needed to live if I didn't move back, saying it would be my fault when he died that way. I wouldn't have let that stop me from escaping but they also stole almost every single dollar from my bank account, which I only just found out was technically a shared account with them, because I was "too naïve to make my own decisions for myself". Not just that but my friend's mom who she lived with said that she wouldn't let me stay unless I got the money back. I think she disbelieved how bad my situation was because I was a bit of a wreck from how bad it was and how many mistakes I made and so she wanted me to leave. Anyways, I had to move back there practically having been forced into it and I've been stuck in a rut ever since. I'm jobless with a bachelor's degree. Even though I've tried networking so many times my social skills are so down in the toilet that I never got any emails back or interviews, not to mention that every networking session felt extremely frightening, embarrassing, painful, and traumatic to me.
I hate this life where I'm stuck with a snide critic constantly belittling me with no chance of escape. I've tried so hard to end my life. I've tried to kill myself over the years with the night night method, with partial hanging with a tie, with full hanging. I can never get any of it to work. The former two I couldn't get to kill me and I couldn't get my parents to leave the house long enough for me to full hang safely, because my dad almost never leaves the house now, just like me. It got so bad and I got so hopeless that I just snapped one day and begged them for death because every day was torture and wouldn't stop. Mental help services or social services wouldn't help over the years either. They basically said "I could make my own choice" to my face but then doubled down on the supervision to make sure I didn't have even the faintest chance of ending my own life without getting caught. And I have another plan but I don't want to talk about it here but it's incredibly risky and frightening to me.
I guess what encouraged me to post this here was reading a web article about a 30 year old in a similar situation to me where they were constantly criticized in the comments and blamed for what happened. They were told, "you're young, things can change" which is the same crap I'm told about. But literally every attempt I've made to make things better has had no progress, and even if I did miraculously find work despite the sheer mental exertion and stress and mental self-flagellation I would require, I wouldn't even be happy because I can't relate to people and find mere existence to be tormentuous. I would only want to find work to move out to my own place to make CTB easier, and thankfully I could move out easier because my parents finally got sick of me living with them and now want me to leave this time. Honestly, I have a whole lifetime of reasons I want to die and I feel frustrated that I can't dump them all on a single post but basically I'm stuck in a rut, everything takes too much effort, I don't like people, and likely CTB is the only way of progressing for me.
Ever since I was five years old, I was not happy in this body and by the time I was twelve I was already so frustrated with living that I wanted to die regularly. Or rather I hoped that just like I came into existence seemingly without warning out of nowhere, that I would pop out one day. But I never did, which made me wake up every day and cry. If I wanted to talk to people outside of class my father would forbid it. He would force me to stay home, first when I was younger with emotional abuse, then when I was older and people were concerned about me, encouraging me to stand up to him, he threatened to throw me out into the street if I disobeyed him after I turned 18. He also criticized and belittled every single little thing I did and made me feel constantly afraid of messing up at anything. When I was in high school I had an argument with them because my high school required people to do 40 hours of volunteer work to graduate, and they wouldn't let me go out to do anything. Yet it was them who started the argument to get mad at me for not finding anything that lived up to their standards despite having shot down a ridiculous number of ideas. Because I didn't "value their time and they would have to waste time driving me everywhere." That despite the fact they deliberately moved to a place with no public transportation within walking distance and forbade me from driving. Living with them felt literally impossible.
I tried to move out of their place when I was 19, when one of my friends offered me a place to live for free while I figured out what to do. I had some money in the bank, considering that I had received some as gifts from relatives and such over the years but could never leave the house to actually spend it. I had to sneak out while they weren't looking as they would of course forbid me from leaving otherwise. They would probably have even tried to physically stop me had I tried to move to a different university as they had said they would. Back when I would have gone our law even had a legal loophole that would give them the right to do so, as my friend showed me a news article about at the time.
But that law was gone by then and so I could move to their house. But then my parents starting making threats to "forget" to feed their house cat that I loved the special food he needed to live if I didn't move back, saying it would be my fault when he died that way. I wouldn't have let that stop me from escaping but they also stole almost every single dollar from my bank account, which I only just found out was technically a shared account with them, because I was "too naïve to make my own decisions for myself". Not just that but my friend's mom who she lived with said that she wouldn't let me stay unless I got the money back. I think she disbelieved how bad my situation was because I was a bit of a wreck from how bad it was and how many mistakes I made and so she wanted me to leave. Anyways, I had to move back there practically having been forced into it and I've been stuck in a rut ever since. I'm jobless with a bachelor's degree. Even though I've tried networking so many times my social skills are so down in the toilet that I never got any emails back or interviews, not to mention that every networking session felt extremely frightening, embarrassing, painful, and traumatic to me.
I hate this life where I'm stuck with a snide critic constantly belittling me with no chance of escape. I've tried so hard to end my life. I've tried to kill myself over the years with the night night method, with partial hanging with a tie, with full hanging. I can never get any of it to work. The former two I couldn't get to kill me and I couldn't get my parents to leave the house long enough for me to full hang safely, because my dad almost never leaves the house now, just like me. It got so bad and I got so hopeless that I just snapped one day and begged them for death because every day was torture and wouldn't stop. Mental help services or social services wouldn't help over the years either. They basically said "I could make my own choice" to my face but then doubled down on the supervision to make sure I didn't have even the faintest chance of ending my own life without getting caught. And I have another plan but I don't want to talk about it here but it's incredibly risky and frightening to me.
I guess what encouraged me to post this here was reading a web article about a 30 year old in a similar situation to me where they were constantly criticized in the comments and blamed for what happened. They were told, "you're young, things can change" which is the same crap I'm told about. But literally every attempt I've made to make things better has had no progress, and even if I did miraculously find work despite the sheer mental exertion and stress and mental self-flagellation I would require, I wouldn't even be happy because I can't relate to people and find mere existence to be tormentuous. I would only want to find work to move out to my own place to make CTB easier, and thankfully I could move out easier because my parents finally got sick of me living with them and now want me to leave this time. Honestly, I have a whole lifetime of reasons I want to die and I feel frustrated that I can't dump them all on a single post but basically I'm stuck in a rut, everything takes too much effort, I don't like people, and likely CTB is the only way of progressing for me.
