Venting Stuck in a limbo

[Saponification]

I sort of opened up for the first time in my life to two people. One of them told me to cut off toxic people from my life, to be grateful, to meditate, journal, to start reading the bible. The other told me to start experimenting, to go "crazy" so long as I didn't get killed or end up in jail.

I got to thinking. I'd already thought about or even tried most of these advices, but I always knew I wasn't really trying enough. I mostly dropped the good habits, and I only socialize well within my comfort zone and in short bursts.

For a person who supposedly had given up on everything, I sure seem to care so much. I guess I'm frightened of everything, for much the same reason I'm not frightened of death.

And, I suppose it's commonplace for those who are truly suicidal. I don't mean people who find themselves cornered against a personal problem to which suicide's seemingly the only solution to—I mean people who see life as a damnation whose only antidote is death, people who would worship Death if it were a god. These people are stuck in a limbo where suicide should be an obvious choice if it weren't for our hardwired survival instinct, whilst simultaneously not being to move forward in life due to being paralyzed by our hypersensitivity to suffering.

...Or maybe that's just me. Whatever. End rant

 

[goodbye-to-a-world]

Not just you. I feel exactly the same way. I'm tired of being stagnant, but I'm too anxiety riddled to get anything meaningful done. Any little burst of inspiration or motivation gets squished like a bug because I feel like even if things worked out, I'd still be unhappy and if they didn't, I'd be downright distraught. I can't move forward into finding happiness and I can't go back to the happiness of my naïvety. I know too much and absolutely nothing at all and it's keeping me trapped like a loser while my peers and those younger than me have no problems or are at least able to be a functional human being in the face of them.

Glad to know it isn't just me.

 

[Saponification]

Not just you. I feel exactly the same way. I'm tired of being stagnant, but I'm too anxiety riddled to get anything meaningful done. Any little burst of inspiration or motivation gets squished like a bug because I feel like even if things worked out, I'd still be unhappy and if they didn't, I'd be downright distraught. I can't move forward into finding happiness and I can't go back to the happiness of my naïvety. I know too much and absolutely nothing at all and it's keeping me trapped like a loser while my peers and those younger than me have no problems or are at least able to be a functional human being in the face of them.

Glad to know it isn't just me.

Oh hey, I'm the first post that you commented in, I'm honored. Granted, you just created your account, though. Welcome to SaSu.

It seems as though "normal" people just don't have the same sensitivity to external stimuli that we do. Sometimes I envy that, but when I think about it, what value is there in that? If I were like everyone else, distracted and satisfied enough to the point where they don't feel the need to question this infinite value that society vehemently attributes to life, that would lead me to live a meaningless long life, assuming death by natural causes. Considering we all meet the same end, sometimes I feel like being a suicidal person is more "optimal", on account of it inevitably leading to a short lifespan. Anyways, I know this is just the depression talking, lol.

 

[goodbye-to-a-world]

Oh hey, I'm the first post that you commented in, I'm honored. Granted, you just created your account, though. Welcome to SaSu.

It seems as though "normal" people just don't have the same sensitivity to external stimuli that we do. Sometimes I envy that, but when I think about it, what value is there in that? If I were like everyone else, distracted and satisfied enough to the point where they don't feel the need to question this infinite value that society vehemently attributes to life, that would lead me to live a meaningless long life, assuming death by natural causes. Considering we all meet the same end, sometimes I feel like being a suicidal person is more "optimal", on account of it inevitably leading to a short lifespan. Anyways, I know this is just the depression talking, lol.

Thanks for the welcome! And yeah, sometimes I do envy those that don't feel as intensely or mostly just feel positive emotions intensely. It would be great to actually feel like a person for once. I genuinely don't remember how it feels anymore and I don't know if I ever will. What does being a person even mean anymore, in this day and age? Half of those I see are fake, half are abhorrent beings taking advantage of and harming others, both groups are living lavishly because of it, and the few living amongst me are all miserable in their own ways, but I'm the only one self aware and sensitive enough for it to be insurmountable. They still have a faith system to believe in. I'm not necessarily an atheist per se, but I don't view whatever higher power I feel is driving the world as a sort of deity or anything. Not gonna yuck their yum or anything, but it just doesn't bring solace to me.

I think with all the calamity of society and living within it in some kind of suspended observer state rather than as a true active participant, suicide is ideal because it feels like something I have control over, both generally and in regards to death. I'm both morbidly fascinated and anxiously consumed by death. I don't really fear dying, I just hate the loss of control. I used to say I feared missing out on future things, like "Oh what if the day after I die they find the cure for cancer or something?" but now I'm in the mindset of "Well, I'd be dead so I wouldn't have a conscience to miss anything, actually." Thinking about suicide brings me a sense of peace. It's pretty much all I have going for me at the moment lol.

 

[Saponification]

They still have a faith system to believe in. I'm not necessarily an atheist per se, but I don't view whatever higher power I feel is driving the world as a sort of deity or anything. Not gonna yuck their yum or anything, but it just doesn't bring solace to me.

Agreed. I'm inclined towards atheism most of the time, though I do not discard the possibility of the existence of a force creating the universe with some sort of purpose. Much like you, I think that if it were to exist, it wouldn't be necessarily a divine being.

Furthermore, I believe most religions are extremely foolish. Not only do you believe in this deity for the sole reason that it is the only psychologically satisfying answer to your existential questions, but you're also telling me that we are "made in his own image" and therefore we are the center of the universe? Gimme a break, how egocentric. Granted, I'm thinking about the abrahamic religions here, and I don't really know enough about religion in general to criticize them properly, lol.

I think with all the calamity of society and living within it in some kind of suspended observer state rather than as a true active participant, suicide is ideal because it feels like something I have control over, both generally and in regards to death. I'm both morbidly fascinated and anxiously consumed by death. I don't really fear dying, I just hate the loss of control. I used to say I feared missing out on future things, like "Oh what if the day after I die they find the cure for cancer or something?" but now I'm in the mindset of "Well, I'd be dead so I wouldn't have a conscience to miss anything, actually." Thinking about suicide brings me a sense of peace. It's pretty much all I have going for me at the moment lol.

I've quite extreme beliefs when it comes to the value of life and death, and I do believe that ceasing one's own existence is always the most optimal choice for any given sentient being. But of course, it's not that simple, which is why people like us end up stuck and paralyzed.

...Oh well. It's a good thing death comes for us all eventually. The cycle of creation and destruction cannot be helped, and thank fuck for that. Even if such a thing as reincarnation were real, it really wouldn't matter since every life would feel like the first and the last one.

 

[DeadManLiving]

I would endorse gratitude. If one only knew the level of cruelty out there and barbarism .... Really traumatizing but eye opening.