Stuck in a hellish cycle for life

[020x]

Ever since I experienced my first panic attack 3 months ago, that has happened for no reason at all. I just randomly felt little wobbly and couldn't really walk straight, got scared that I might faint when my heart started beating very fast and I couldn't even breathe. Was about to collapse and ran of the store (I was inside a big market with a lot of people at that moment). I have agoraphobia (scared to embarrass myself in public purely because of my anxiety) and because of this I developed panic disorder after the panic attack.

I got prescribed pills to take daily. Now if I won't stop taking benzos, the panic attacks will happen again. It's literally a hell feeling like you're dying every single day, the constant stress feeling in your stomach. Feeling nauseous, shaking, sweating, dry mouth. I can't even go outside anymore without taking like 2mg xanax. I'm in extreme pain and stress from all of this. My daily life is literally being scared if I don't distract myself. I literally play games, watch media, do personal enjoyment constantly just to escape the hellish situation I am in right now.

Therapists can't help me, it's a chronic mental illness with no cure and I will have to take benzos for the rest of my life. I had so many things I suffered with, like kidney stones (one of the worst physical pain on earth), lots of traumas from being forced to do things I despise, for being bullied and used by others. But I still fought and tried to do something, but this life has decided to give me another thing to suffer with after I overcame one thing.

After this summer, I need to go to school or find a job because otherwise I'll be hanging on my parents money which I will never allow myself to happen, I'd rather die. I can't stop taking the pills, I'm dependent on them. I still have stress and these thoughts don't go away.

I really hate that this life has trapped me in a cage with endless fire, literal hell.

I have to CTB quickly before it gets worse and I'll become more unstable, I can't imagine myself working in this state. I really hate this life. It was bearable and liveable before, not as good as I wished, but I wanted to live. But now I don't. And I'm left with no options to continue to live.

It's too much torture and I can't bear it anymore, not a single doctor or a therapist was able to help me.

That means CTB is my cure, my treatment and my only option to bring me peace.

I'll post a thread once I'll build up courage to attempt partial again.

Sorry for all this crying.

 

[AlwaysAnhedonia]

Sorry to hear about this. I suffer from anxiety disorder as well and it does feel like torture and a hopeless future. I used drugs to alleviate the symptoms of my disorder but they are no longer effective and I'm ready to CTB. Life can be very cruel and unfair, I've also made a lot of poor choices and let myself become an addict. Hopefully things will improve for you but I know the pain of trying and coming up short.

 

[020x]

Sorry to hear about this. I suffer from anxiety disorder as well and it does feel like torture and a hopeless future. I used drugs to alleviate the symptoms of my disorder but they are no longer effective and I'm ready to CTB. Life can be very cruel and unfair, I've also made a lot of poor choices and let myself become an addict. Hopefully things will improve for you but I know the pain of trying and coming up short.

I'm very sorry this, you have done what you could and becoming an addict is what they made us to do since there's no cure for illnesses like these. Stay strong and hopefully you'll find peace.

 

[didntmeantohauntyou]

Fuck it sucks to see life bring good people down. They use our mental issues to get us hooked on their pills and then blame us when it becomes just another reason to want to ctb. I hope the rope will bring you peace. Also SI is a bitch with partial hanging, conscious or unconscious so i wish you luck.

 

[prezmyl]

Therapists can't help me, it's a chronic mental illness with no cure and I will have to take benzos for the rest of my life. I had so many things I suffered with, like kidney stones (one of the worst physical pain on earth), lots of traumas from being forced to do things I despise, for being bullied and used by others. But I still fought and tried to do something, but this life has decided to give me another thing to suffer with after I overcame one thing.

First of all this is just my interpretation of my too long experience and knowledge gained over last 13 years.

Most of the psychiatric and therapeutic world are still operating on premises and knowledge from the last century and their representants are even willing to fight for it and call it "lege artis", which is not any more. As I posted it few times around a conceptual and scientific understanding has advanced, but not for most trained so called professionals, since once therapist choses his style, direction they usually revolves around that style and at best around some associated references that are related to that style for very very long time, since they have given so many years and money to the education and trainings, which for them it is a full package even though in reality it usually helps just some people with soft or mild symptoms at best. Specially when the symptoms are a little bit more intense it helps a little or none. And usually therapist and psychiatrics are fragmented and not interconnected very well(at least in my country), so for people from outside seeking help it appears like a world full of holes and vague explanations and help.


there are new therapies that really understand the biology, neurology and physiology and mind behind these symptoms and do not believe these symptoms are a life-long sentence any more. It is very precisely described in which state body(nervous system) must be and your rection or non-reactions must be in order to create panic(which is just one of more states your overwhelmed body/mind could get in) and how and why secondarily something called a panic attacks is developed as it is just one of many symptoms how nervous system is handling its re-activations(not discharged survival energy) and for some given circumstances could be its "preferred" symptoms, if so then you are given this diagnose(symptoms subset category) by a psychiatrist. Medication can help, but if the symptoms are severe and there is not real resolution, the life just turns into a less than surviving.

There are therapist that are already trained in these new modalities (usually it is a combination of some somatic experiencing and some other therapies and regular psychology degree - this combination is especially important if development trauma is involved) but they are still a few in compere to the numbers of therapists trained only in classic therapies which are often more intellectual exercises or abstract games than real cure and exactly these classic therapists are usually the place where most of the people here including me wasted most of the remaining energy, years and hope and for some of us it is probably too late, but maybe for someone could be not.

I wont write more, since you just wanted to vent the suffering you are in.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really horrible what you have to endure, it's certainly beyond cruel and dreadful how people have to suffer so unbearably in this existence. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.

 

[sizuen]

Ever since I experienced my first panic attack 3 months ago, that has happened for no reason at all. I just randomly felt little wobbly and couldn't really walk straight, got scared that I might faint when my heart started beating very fast and I couldn't even breathe. Was about to collapse and ran of the store (I was inside a big market with a lot of people at that moment). I have agoraphobia (scared to embarrass myself in public purely because of my anxiety) and because of this I developed panic disorder after the panic attack.

I got prescribed pills to take daily. Now if I won't stop taking benzos, the panic attacks will happen again. It's literally a hell feeling like you're dying every single day, the constant stress feeling in your stomach. Feeling nauseous, shaking, sweating, dry mouth. I can't even go outside anymore without taking like 2mg xanax. I'm in extreme pain and stress from all of this. My daily life is literally being scared if I don't distract myself. I literally play games, watch media, do personal enjoyment constantly just to escape the hellish situation I am in right now.

Therapists can't help me, it's a chronic mental illness with no cure and I will have to take benzos for the rest of my life. I had so many things I suffered with, like kidney stones (one of the worst physical pain on earth), lots of traumas from being forced to do things I despise, for being bullied and used by others. But I still fought and tried to do something, but this life has decided to give me another thing to suffer with after I overcame one thing.

After this summer, I need to go to school or find a job because otherwise I'll be hanging on my parents money which I will never allow myself to happen, I'd rather die. I can't stop taking the pills, I'm dependent on them. I still have stress and these thoughts don't go away.

I really hate that this life has trapped me in a cage with endless fire, literal hell.

I have to CTB quickly before it gets worse and I'll become more unstable, I can't imagine myself working in this state. I really hate this life. It was bearable and liveable before, not as good as I wished, but I wanted to live. But now I don't. And I'm left with no options to continue to live.

It's too much torture and I can't bear it anymore, not a single doctor or a therapist was able to help me.

That means CTB is my cure, my treatment and my only option to bring me peace.

I'll post a thread once I'll build up courage to attempt partial again.

Sorry for all this crying.

Im really sorry to hear this. I also got a paniic disorder last year and until now its trapping me inside my house i cant go out like i used to the only thing that helps me is games and entertainment like u said but the thing is we cant do it forever we have. To get a job somehow which sucks my psychiatrist doesnt help at all too all she does is blame me and prescribe some antidepressants that doesnt even work. But im pretty sure well get out of this mess someday. But whichever path you take i hope ull succeed.

 

[strawberry_lemons]

hey im sorry your in so much pain and i wish you the best things in life or otherwise. you have been quite strong to make it this far so take pride in it, im here if you ever wanna talk. also bsd profile pic very cool choice