
derpyderpins
missing everybody
- Sep 19, 2023
- 2,129
I had this exchange with my therapist this morning.
I think I insist on continuing to succeed by stupid traditional metrics just to be able to cut off bad-faith mental health arguments.
I do think people are generally good, or at least try to be, but I've also been really annoyed lately at how bad people are to other people. It's a defense mechanism in a lot of cases, but still frustrating.
See, no matter how much people say "don't compare yourself to others," comparison is necessary. It doesn't have to be the end-all-be-all, and you compare in many different ways, but the ways we get information are from (1) our own experiences and (2) others' experiences, and if we limit ourselves to just our own experiences we are handicapping ourselves severely. You have to interact with others in this life.
But our priorities are a little messed up, and becoming more and more outdated, so we compare on things that have been socially drilled into us: money, "success", etc. But we're not always going to like the result, so the defense mechanism comes in. We compare not just our success, but the perceived obstacles we overcome to justify the perceived gap. E.g., say someone has a 7/10 success at something, while someone else had an 8/10 success; the first person may rationalize 'well, I had an 8/10 difficulty to overcome from my life circumstances, while they had a 5/10,' which - to them - is an attempt to satisfy their esteem needs. This can certainly be fair in some instances. When it gets frustrating is when people try to dismiss others' issues to lift themselves up. Mental health is the obvious area for this. Someone's leg chopped off? Gotta admit that's a good excuse. Someone has a mental health disorder? One can dismiss and belittle it, diminishing the other person's struggles to establish some form of introspective dominance. You'd never say the guy with one leg was just physically weak, but you can call someone with a mental health problem mentally weak in comparison to your mental strength.
I object to the whole premise of the above on the grounds that we are putting far too much weight in things that don't particularly matter, especially in a society where scarcity is shrinking. But, people aren't shifting from the above mindset, so if you want to discuss mental health the obstacle is there whether you accept the premise or not.
If you are struggling, yourself, you can't even have input without being shut down:
"man, young people are so messed up these days. They all say they have this and that disorder and anxiety and it's all made up. Truth is they're just lazy and don't want to work because they're so coddled and they won't just grow up when really they have it easy!"
"Well, I think there's some legitimacy to their issues, you see these disorders are real afflictions and modern always-on culture with decreasing social ties makes these very legitimate -"
"oh so you just want to be lazy, too. Everything's an excuse!"
The response is quite different when you are succeeding in life by that person's metrics. I've noticed they get quiet or try to change the subject if you don't go along with them. They had thought it would be a mutual masturbatory session where we compare views to strengthen the diminishment of people's struggles.
So, I realize that one thing keeping me going and growing my career success is the ability to impact these conversations. It's stubbornness. Might be different for me in my field where I'm surrounded by people locked in the boomer-grind mindset, but I see how people with the means to help change things not only refuse to, they actively fight against it. I frankly don't get it. You're doing well, why not just lift other people up? Why not change things for the better now that everything is secured for you? It's like with billionaires, like I'm all for people making money and getting rewarded for innovations but it's like once you have tens of millions what the hell do you still even want more for?
Well, be the change you want to see I guess. Nothing's changing in the near-term but I'm not going to be part of the problem, and if I stick it out at least I can force people to confront things head-on. I hope this post made sense it was a bit of a thought dump.
@_Gollum_
I think I insist on continuing to succeed by stupid traditional metrics just to be able to cut off bad-faith mental health arguments.
I do think people are generally good, or at least try to be, but I've also been really annoyed lately at how bad people are to other people. It's a defense mechanism in a lot of cases, but still frustrating.
See, no matter how much people say "don't compare yourself to others," comparison is necessary. It doesn't have to be the end-all-be-all, and you compare in many different ways, but the ways we get information are from (1) our own experiences and (2) others' experiences, and if we limit ourselves to just our own experiences we are handicapping ourselves severely. You have to interact with others in this life.
But our priorities are a little messed up, and becoming more and more outdated, so we compare on things that have been socially drilled into us: money, "success", etc. But we're not always going to like the result, so the defense mechanism comes in. We compare not just our success, but the perceived obstacles we overcome to justify the perceived gap. E.g., say someone has a 7/10 success at something, while someone else had an 8/10 success; the first person may rationalize 'well, I had an 8/10 difficulty to overcome from my life circumstances, while they had a 5/10,' which - to them - is an attempt to satisfy their esteem needs. This can certainly be fair in some instances. When it gets frustrating is when people try to dismiss others' issues to lift themselves up. Mental health is the obvious area for this. Someone's leg chopped off? Gotta admit that's a good excuse. Someone has a mental health disorder? One can dismiss and belittle it, diminishing the other person's struggles to establish some form of introspective dominance. You'd never say the guy with one leg was just physically weak, but you can call someone with a mental health problem mentally weak in comparison to your mental strength.
I object to the whole premise of the above on the grounds that we are putting far too much weight in things that don't particularly matter, especially in a society where scarcity is shrinking. But, people aren't shifting from the above mindset, so if you want to discuss mental health the obstacle is there whether you accept the premise or not.
If you are struggling, yourself, you can't even have input without being shut down:
"man, young people are so messed up these days. They all say they have this and that disorder and anxiety and it's all made up. Truth is they're just lazy and don't want to work because they're so coddled and they won't just grow up when really they have it easy!"
"Well, I think there's some legitimacy to their issues, you see these disorders are real afflictions and modern always-on culture with decreasing social ties makes these very legitimate -"
"oh so you just want to be lazy, too. Everything's an excuse!"
The response is quite different when you are succeeding in life by that person's metrics. I've noticed they get quiet or try to change the subject if you don't go along with them. They had thought it would be a mutual masturbatory session where we compare views to strengthen the diminishment of people's struggles.
So, I realize that one thing keeping me going and growing my career success is the ability to impact these conversations. It's stubbornness. Might be different for me in my field where I'm surrounded by people locked in the boomer-grind mindset, but I see how people with the means to help change things not only refuse to, they actively fight against it. I frankly don't get it. You're doing well, why not just lift other people up? Why not change things for the better now that everything is secured for you? It's like with billionaires, like I'm all for people making money and getting rewarded for innovations but it's like once you have tens of millions what the hell do you still even want more for?
Well, be the change you want to see I guess. Nothing's changing in the near-term but I'm not going to be part of the problem, and if I stick it out at least I can force people to confront things head-on. I hope this post made sense it was a bit of a thought dump.
@_Gollum_