I'm autistic, was also diagnosed bipolar but don't feel like that fits me well at all. (Bipolar) I am also OCD.
I'm married, 22 years old. My husband is incarcerated. I struggle so much with suicidal ideation when I get upset, he has no clue. It happens a lot. I know he needs me, but man if he didn't…. I don't think I'd even be here. Anytime I get upset, whether it seems minor to someone else or not, it's always super super painful and big to me. I get sick, I sleep, I can't eat, my chest hurts. No amount of medication will help me. I don't feel like anything will ever help me. The only reason I'm still here is because I know that my husband needs me. But living seems so painful. The only time I'm okay is when I'm talking to him & if he does something to upset me I'm shut off from the world. I isolate. I shut down. I have such a hard time expressing my feelings because I'm so embarrassed at the fact that I FEEL SO MUCH. He has no clue I feel this way at all. Sometimes I wish I could just end my life, I wouldn't feel anything anymore and nobody else would have to worry about me. I feel like a burden. & People will say "just because you feel like that doesn't mean it's true." Well it's true. I have no job because I'm too scared to work, I live with my parents, they take care of everything. I do commission art to keep my husband from starving in prison and to pay for phone calls, that's it. I don't help with chores. I can't seem to just help with anything. Nobody likes me, literally nobody. I have no friends. I have little family. My dad doesn't speak to me much at all, I barely know him anymore. I just don't see why I'm here and why I have to live such a painful life. Why does my brain function the way that it does? Why did this happen to me? I couldn't just be normal?
I'm married, 22 years old. My husband is incarcerated. I struggle so much with suicidal ideation when I get upset, he has no clue. It happens a lot. I know he needs me, but man if he didn't…. I don't think I'd even be here. Anytime I get upset, whether it seems minor to someone else or not, it's always super super painful and big to me. I get sick, I sleep, I can't eat, my chest hurts. No amount of medication will help me. I don't feel like anything will ever help me. The only reason I'm still here is because I know that my husband needs me. But living seems so painful. The only time I'm okay is when I'm talking to him & if he does something to upset me I'm shut off from the world. I isolate. I shut down. I have such a hard time expressing my feelings because I'm so embarrassed at the fact that I FEEL SO MUCH. He has no clue I feel this way at all. Sometimes I wish I could just end my life, I wouldn't feel anything anymore and nobody else would have to worry about me. I feel like a burden. & People will say "just because you feel like that doesn't mean it's true." Well it's true. I have no job because I'm too scared to work, I live with my parents, they take care of everything. I do commission art to keep my husband from starving in prison and to pay for phone calls, that's it. I don't help with chores. I can't seem to just help with anything. Nobody likes me, literally nobody. I have no friends. I have little family. My dad doesn't speak to me much at all, I barely know him anymore. I just don't see why I'm here and why I have to live such a painful life. Why does my brain function the way that it does? Why did this happen to me? I couldn't just be normal?
