Discussion Struggling with guilt

[fillthevoid]

I'm sure this isn't the first post on this and it won't be the last.

I know that I am indeed loved.. something I'm very fortunate in. But this is not because I've done anything to deserve it. But nevertheless, there are people whose world would shatter the moment they were to hear of my death. They already have difficult lives, oftentimes I'd go so far as to say... miserable.

I feel disgusting thinking about what my death would do to them. It would completely destroy them. I know it. It is a major obstacle to CTB.

I don't want to live any longer and I realise that I have to put myself first. I didn't ask to be here, it's my choice. I feel angry that I am forced to feel this way and have this responsibility towards others feelings that I NEVER wanted.

If only I could make them see how much happier I am dead than alive, then maybe they wouldn't be so heartbroken when I go... and I wouldn't have to feel so disgusting and selfish.

I don't know how to feel better about it.

I hope to be able to write them a letter that at least explains everything, that answers all questions so they they are not left wondering about anything at all, that they realise there is nothing that they could have done and that I truly am at peace now.

That's all that I can think to do to lesson the burden of this guilt and perhaps alleviate their distress just a tiny bit. :(

 

[its-about-time]

I'm in the same boat. It sucks. There's no way to avoid it.

 

[Wizard999666]

I can relate...

 

[Al Cappella]

I really don't envy you guys with families that care. That must be really tough. I'm lucky, in that there's really no one left (one ex) to give a shit, so I really don't have to worry about that too much. One plus of being older, I guess…

 

[fillthevoid]

I really don't envy you guys with families that care. That must be really tough. I'm lucky, in that there's really no one left (one ex) to give a shit, so I really don't have to worry about that too much. One plus of being older, I guess…

I think I would do things very differently were that the case for me. I'd probably go backpacking, do risky shit, live day by day carefree, see the best parts of life and then CTB at the end of it. I wouldn't hesitate. Having people that care is an honour but also a burden and a prison.

 

[wellherewego]

I feel the exact same way

 

[FuneralCry]

Of course it is inevitable that suicide would cause pain to those left behind, but the way that I see it, it is a personal decision when to leave and as you said none of us asked to exist so therefore we have no obligations to stay alive.

Death and loss are a part of life, we will all die and lose everything eventually, life is just a pointless experience that we go through for the sake of it. I could never stay alive just for the sake of others personally and it would be selfish of them to expect me to. It sounds horrifying suffering for many more decades. I wish you the best in whatever happens, I'm sorry for all the suffering that has brought you to this point.

 

[Idontmatter]

I'm in the same position. After I'm gone he is going to be devastated. I just can't do it anymore. My depression and anxiety is at its worst and now it's causing my body to ache. All I can do is ask for forgiveness and hope he will understand why I did it