Struggling to Shoot Myself

[Blue Horizons]

Sorry if this is just another vent post or something that has already been discussed.

It's been over a year since my last post. I've just come to a crossroads again where I just cannot handle being alive even after more promising medications that don't work and being in an IOP program which has done nothing to me.

I have my 9mm handgun with me, with hollow points. I can cock it, put it right up against my head and feather the trigger. I can pull the trigger right up to the point where you get serious resistance. But I always get cold feet and never go through with it.

I suppose I fear that I'm going to mess up and survive, or that it'll be insanely painful. I really don't know how to get around this. I've never drank before but I wonder if being drunk could possibly help or not.

I don't know what to do. It's so late and I have nobody. I hate myself so much and I hate this world. I have so much anger and resentment for being born. I really hope whoever reads this doesn't feel the same. I don't wish this upon anyone. Thank you.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Same for me

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Using a gun sounds too cruel. I couldn't do it even if I had access to a gun. I'm sorry you have to go through this and life is so rough for you.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand feeling so tired of suffering in this existence, trying to die going wrong is also what I'd personally fear. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[dontlook]

I hope things get easier for you, either way you wish. I do worry that alcohol might increase the odds of poor shot placement or other slip ups? I'm not sure what may be a better option, but benzos come to mind. Just don't take so much that it impacts coordination and such?

 

[CatLvr]

I understand your hesitation. I have literally sat for HOURS with my gun in my lap trying to work up the nerve. As you can see, so far my efforts have been futile.

I am so sorry to see you hurting like this. May the comments here bring you some solace. I wish I could take your pain away.

 

[Marco77]

I wish I could have that cocked gun. I wouldn't let even a second pass.

 

[Abbadab]

I've thought about getting a gun before, but I think my SI would kick in super hard. Something about guns just instills me with visceral fear, and I want to minimize my fear/unhappiness in my final moments. I guess it's pretty irrational since it should be instantaneous, but my brain tends to fixate on what could go wrong.

Maybe a gun has a similar effect on you? I'm planning on using SN.

 

[Flippintogo]

Its happened to me too. Pointing it to my head and feathering the trigger to the point of resistance. Came so close, in fact, that the gun discharged when I put it away from my head. Three times. And each time I would get scared because of how powerful the gun is. I have a .45 acp with hollowpoints.

Things have gotten worse for me so I am contemplating doing it again. But my psychiatrist has given me meds that make me feel like a zombie. I'm also on suicide watch so my wife doesn't leave me alone for long periods.

I feel so trapped. I've tried partial hanging but can't seem to find the right way to knock myself out. I wish there was an easy way.