soggychip
New Member
- Aug 21, 2023
- 1
I'm very new to SS and this is my first post, so please bear with me.This is a venting post but I'm also open to advice.
It's relevant to this post to say I'm autistic with severe anxiety (social and generalised), and I'm prone to very long and intense bouts of depression.
So, I've been looking for a place for a while (since I graduated). I reached a time limit and my mum kicked me out (she had to move and I don't blame her).
I knew moving into a share house would be hard for me but I didn't have many options. If I had the money I would live on my own, and if I didn't have my cat I would be boarding at Uni. If I didn't have my cat with me I wouldn't be here so boarding is NOT an option.
I'm in this new place that I moved into a week ago and I already messed up. What's funny is that my flatmate was working most of the time but I made a bad enough impression they said they want to kick me out (they're the landlord). I knew moving in to a place where my housemate was the landlord was a bad idea but again, I didn't have many options.
They're autistic like me, which is actually a bit of an issue. This is because I find it REALLY hard to read other autistic people and people with ASD generally have issues with clear communication, and I need clear communication. I had already made it clear to this person through writing and verbalisations that I need to live with people who can actually talk to me when they have issues. This person contacted me first after viewing my profile outlining my requirements, accepted me and told me to move in, and after a week of knowing me they want to kick me out??? I feel awful because I know it's my fault. I'm currently in a deep depression and without my medication I'm a nervous wreck. But I just can't get over how they sat on their feelings about me for a week and just never once tried to talk to me.
When they finally blew up at me and told me 'it just isn't working' and I asked why they said 'it's a personality thing'. I was already in a dark headspace, but this person is just confirming things I already know about myself. I am wrong, ill, broken, and unless I mask an excessive amount NO ONE will ever actually like me (including family).
(For people who aren't autistic or don't know much about ASD, masking is where autistic people repress parts of themselves to appear more… not autistic. For autistic people, masking is generally very emotionally taxing and can lead to autistic burnout and very bad mental health.)
I've been trying not to mask, but maybe that's an issue even with other autistic people. I don't know how to find people who will accept me for who I am without revealing my disability, mental ailments, and quirks, and I've been told to not reveal anything about that on my profile.
Not only have I been avoiding masking, but I actually can't. Another common experience when it comes to masking is that it is VERY hard to do when your mental health is already poor.
I don't know where to go from here. I've got a few weeks until the lease contract I signed expires and they can kick me out and I know this will just happen again in other places.
It doesn't matter how much I try, no one will like me enough to let me stay and I don't think I can take it. Since I've been young I've never stayed in one place for too long (despite my yearning for stability). This has deeply affected me and I don't think I'll be able to handle unstable living situations on top of the other stressors in my life and my awful mental health.
I'm leaving a lot out but this experience has just dug up all of my worst insecurities and confirmed that I am inherently flawed and intolerable.
So, how the hell am I meant to find someone who can tolerate me at this low point?
I really really really want to end it. I never enjoy anything and I never have. I'm only trying to live for my loved ones, I can't stand the idea of them being disappointed in me as I slowly rot in a dark room.
I wanted to die in about a decade (around the time my cat's life will expire) but I am so intensely unwell I am fighting the urge to write out a plan.
It's relevant to this post to say I'm autistic with severe anxiety (social and generalised), and I'm prone to very long and intense bouts of depression.
So, I've been looking for a place for a while (since I graduated). I reached a time limit and my mum kicked me out (she had to move and I don't blame her).
I knew moving into a share house would be hard for me but I didn't have many options. If I had the money I would live on my own, and if I didn't have my cat I would be boarding at Uni. If I didn't have my cat with me I wouldn't be here so boarding is NOT an option.
I'm in this new place that I moved into a week ago and I already messed up. What's funny is that my flatmate was working most of the time but I made a bad enough impression they said they want to kick me out (they're the landlord). I knew moving in to a place where my housemate was the landlord was a bad idea but again, I didn't have many options.
They're autistic like me, which is actually a bit of an issue. This is because I find it REALLY hard to read other autistic people and people with ASD generally have issues with clear communication, and I need clear communication. I had already made it clear to this person through writing and verbalisations that I need to live with people who can actually talk to me when they have issues. This person contacted me first after viewing my profile outlining my requirements, accepted me and told me to move in, and after a week of knowing me they want to kick me out??? I feel awful because I know it's my fault. I'm currently in a deep depression and without my medication I'm a nervous wreck. But I just can't get over how they sat on their feelings about me for a week and just never once tried to talk to me.
When they finally blew up at me and told me 'it just isn't working' and I asked why they said 'it's a personality thing'. I was already in a dark headspace, but this person is just confirming things I already know about myself. I am wrong, ill, broken, and unless I mask an excessive amount NO ONE will ever actually like me (including family).
(For people who aren't autistic or don't know much about ASD, masking is where autistic people repress parts of themselves to appear more… not autistic. For autistic people, masking is generally very emotionally taxing and can lead to autistic burnout and very bad mental health.)
I've been trying not to mask, but maybe that's an issue even with other autistic people. I don't know how to find people who will accept me for who I am without revealing my disability, mental ailments, and quirks, and I've been told to not reveal anything about that on my profile.
Not only have I been avoiding masking, but I actually can't. Another common experience when it comes to masking is that it is VERY hard to do when your mental health is already poor.
I don't know where to go from here. I've got a few weeks until the lease contract I signed expires and they can kick me out and I know this will just happen again in other places.
It doesn't matter how much I try, no one will like me enough to let me stay and I don't think I can take it. Since I've been young I've never stayed in one place for too long (despite my yearning for stability). This has deeply affected me and I don't think I'll be able to handle unstable living situations on top of the other stressors in my life and my awful mental health.
I'm leaving a lot out but this experience has just dug up all of my worst insecurities and confirmed that I am inherently flawed and intolerable.
So, how the hell am I meant to find someone who can tolerate me at this low point?
I really really really want to end it. I never enjoy anything and I never have. I'm only trying to live for my loved ones, I can't stand the idea of them being disappointed in me as I slowly rot in a dark room.
I wanted to die in about a decade (around the time my cat's life will expire) but I am so intensely unwell I am fighting the urge to write out a plan.
and hope you'll find an exit out of this situation 
