Help Struggles With Self Love

[R-7]

So as somebody who has had troubles with depression for like half my life and for a myriad of reasons that's likely empowered by having an incredible amount of self doubt.

Because of that I obviously looked up what to really do about depression and more often than not I see things encouraging to 'show the same kindness to yourself as you would to a close friend who is struggling' or something along those lines. However, being so deep into depression it is difficult to love yourself so as strange as it sounds I don't really feel like I know how?

I was wondering if anyone here might have some advice about this. Thanks for any help or suggestions insights you might have.

 

[Aloneandinpain]

I struggle with self love but only because I can't find a partner and have never experienced love. The logical conclusion I take from that is if no one else sees me worthy of love then I'm either a failure or undeserving/unable to be loved, thus I should hate myself.

I don't really have any advice, but I guess I do understand a bit. I am a relatively "easy" fix of course, " all" I have to do is find a partner.

 

[Ruru-san]

I'm not too sure about it myself as i do have those days often but i find what makes it better is to literally do things with yourself, by yourself. Sometimes i take my self impulsively to the cinema and watch a movie by myself, i go get food by myself and i sometimes go on walks and trips by myself. Sometimes it works , sometimes it doesn't but i hope it may work for you!

 

[MapleS]

For me self love is being forgiving to myself. This is how it starts. Or making things that I know can make me feel better.
But it really helps if you are forgiving to yourself

 

[Hibiki]

I struggle with self love but only because I can't find a partner and have never experienced love. The logical conclusion I take from that is if no one else sees me worthy of love then I'm either a failure or undeserving/unable to be loved, thus I should hate myself.

I don't really have any advice, but I guess I do understand a bit. I am a relatively "easy" fix of course, " all" I have to do is find a partner.

i apologize if i am overstepping or jumping to conclusions, but i wanted to let you know that finding a partner may not be the solution you think it is. i thought the same as you; i thought i'd found the one who could save me, but it turns out that if you are incapable of loving yourself, you are also incapable of loving others, and incapable of accepting the love that others give you.
i have horrible self-destructive tendencies and push people away when they are too nice to me, because i don't believe i can be seen in a positive light or treated with kindness. i have ruined several relationships this way. if you are anything like me, your brain will prevent you from finding the love you seek.

none of this is to say that you shouldn't want a romantic connection with someone; i believe love is a wonderful thing, and it is one of the things that help me make it through each day. i would just advise you not to rely completely on it when it comes to your happiness. you deserve to love yourself just as much as your partner would love you.

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to op, i am also figuring out how to improve my self-esteem, so i'd like to share my experiences.
i don't know how many others do this; i might seem crazy or weird for it, but for some years now i've separated myself from my negative thoughts, if that makes sense...? i've created a distinct character in my head to represent the "mean voice" that makes me feel bad about myself. she looks similar to me and acts somewhat like a parasite. i've done the same for a potential "nice voice" and imagine myself being comforted by this nice character sometimes. she may be more of a guardian angel type of character. when i find myself spiraling into self-hatred, this nice character resists my words and says kind things to me. i think it works because i don't necessarily have to believe her words; i'm just imagining what a kind person would say to me in that moment. but because i'm imagining it, i'm essentially saying these things to myself. this might be how i've interpreted the advice you were given, to treat yourself like a close friend.

i feel as though i've grown a bit attached to this character and find myself wanting to recover for her sake... but in a way, this character is me, or a part of me hidden somewhere. it makes me feel as though i can become her one day.

apologies for formatting issues. i wanted to post these separately as i was replying to two different people, but i guess the forum doesn't work that way.

 

[Aloneandinpain]

i apologize if i am overstepping or jumping to conclusions, but i wanted to let you know that finding a partner may not be the solution you think it is. i thought the same as you; i thought i'd found the one who could save me, but it turns out that if you are incapable of loving yourself, you are also incapable of loving others, and incapable of accepting the love that others give you.
i have horrible self-destructive tendencies and push people away when they are too nice to me, because i don't believe i can be seen in a positive light or treated with kindness. i have ruined several relationships this way. if you are anything like me, your brain will prevent you from finding the love you seek.

none of this is to say that you shouldn't want a romantic connection with someone; i believe love is a wonderful thing, and it is one of the things that help me make it through each day. i would just advise you not to rely completely on it when it comes to your happiness. you deserve to love yourself just as much as your partner would love you.

No, it's nothing like that. I'm just a bit broken due to rejection and feeling completely invisible to women. I mostly liked myself quite a lot really until I put full effort into finding a partner and realised no one wanted me.

Of course there's a very small chance you're right, but only because I've never been loved romantically so there's absolutely no data as to how I might function in a relationship.

 

[Hibiki]

No, it's nothing like that. I'm just a bit broken due to rejection and feeling completely invisible to women. I mostly liked myself quite a lot really until I put full effort into finding a partner and realised no one wanted me.

Of course there's a very small chance you're right, but only because I've never been loved romantically so there's absolutely no data as to how I might function in a relationship.

i understand now. i don't mean to offend you at all, but if your results with women managed to alter your self-perception so easily, had you been shaping yourself to appeal to them? i promise you that you don't need to do that. i also believe you should be able to find happiness and goodness within yourself regardless of how compatible you are with women. is it that you think your value comes from how successful you are at landing a woman and starting a family? i don't believe that is the case. or do you just need to know that someone other than you likes you for who you are? i am the same, but it isn't healthy nor reliable to leave it up to others to determine your worth.

i hope i'm not asking too many questions.

 

[Aloneandinpain]

i understand now. i don't mean to offend you at all, but if your results with women managed to alter your self-perception so easily, had you been shaping yourself to appeal to them? i promise you that you don't need to do that. i also believe you should be able to find happiness and goodness within yourself regardless of how compatible you are with women. is it that you think your value comes from how successful you are at landing a woman and starting a family? i don't believe that is the case. or do you just need to know that someone other than you likes you for who you are? i am the same, but it isn't healthy nor reliable to leave it up to others to determine your worth.

i hope i'm not asking too many questions.

I'm just very lonely I guess and I'd like to experience love at least once in my life. Like if a woman just said "yes" once then that would probably make me happy for a year or two, even if things didn't work out.

 

[vitbar]

For me I had to force it, fake it even, and cringe until I got more comfortable. Recognising when you are engaging in negative self talk is a good start. I kind of make a character out of it as if it's my depression talking "hello depression, I see you". I also try and challenge the horrible things I say to myself, even if just disparaging it by rolling my eyes or calling it a miserable bastard.

Imagine a friend being so critical of themselves. Think about how you would act or feel about it. Try and treat yourself how you'd treat your friend. Would you pile on more criticisms? Would you be kind?

One scenario that helped with this is imagining you could see a parent with their young child at a restaurant. The child is clearly upset and crying, the parent is insulting the child for being upset. Does being insulting to yourself when already sad make you any less unhappy? Instead I try and offer soothing words: "you will be okay" and similar.

Also in moments where you are at all pleased with yourself, or a nice moment, monopolise on it. Give yourself a pat on the back. Say "I like/love this", "yeahhh check me out getting things done". It will feel cringe, but in time that shifted for me.

 

[Hibiki]

I'm just very lonely I guess and I'd like to experience love at least once in my life. Like if a woman just said "yes" once then that would probably make me happy for a year or two, even if things didn't work out.

only for a year or two? what would happen after that; would you go back to hating yourself?

 

[Aloneandinpain]

only for a year or two? what would happen after that; would you go back to hating yourself?

Well the happiness would maybe fade, but I'd still be completely immune from ever getting this depressed and I'd be encouraged to try harder too. When all you hear is "no" then there's simply no point in trying.

 

[Hibiki]

Well the happiness would maybe fade, but I'd still be completely immune from ever getting this depressed and I'd be encouraged to try harder too. When all you hear is "no" then there's simply no point in trying.

understood. i appreciate you sharing how you feel; i think i can relate to some bits of it. i won't ask further about your experiences trying to find love, but i do encourage you to continue searching if that's where you'll find happiness, even temporarily, and also to consider learning to appreciate yourself even when it feels like no one else does. something like developing a new hobby or interest may be fulfilling for yourself and, as a bonus, attract others to you.

when all you hear is "no" maybe it's an incentive to show them what they missed out on...?

 

[R-7]

For me I had to force it, fake it even, and cringe until I got more comfortable. Recognising when you are engaging in negative self talk is a good start. I kind of make a character out of it as if it's my depression talking "hello depression, I see you". I also try and challenge the horrible things I say to myself, even if just disparaging it by rolling my eyes or calling it a miserable bastard.

Imagine a friend being so critical of themselves. Think about how you would act or feel about it. Try and treat yourself how you'd treat your friend. Would you pile on more criticisms? Would you be kind?

One scenario that helped with this is imagining you could see a parent with their young child at a restaurant. The child is clearly upset and crying, the parent is insulting the child for being upset. Does being insulting to yourself when already sad make you any less unhappy? Instead I try and offer soothing words: "you will be okay" and similar.

Also in moments where you are at all pleased with yourself, or a nice moment, monopolise on it. Give yourself a pat on the back. Say "I like/love this", "yeahhh check me out getting things done". It will feel cringe, but in time that shifted for me.

I will endeavor to take this advice to heart. Thank you :)

 

[mushi]

it's weird because it's a weird concept. we don't really choose ourselves. so the idea of being my own best friend is weird because I never chose to be born or be this person. and i hate myself naturally. so how do you force yourself to feel anything? if i hate tomatoes I'm not going to love them by eating more of them, or telling the tomato it's great and hard working and should be proud of itself. so don't be hard on yourself for not understanding it because it's pretty fucking weird.

but there is some kind of innate something in me towards myself. i self isolate and don't hang out with other people and i actually hate other people a lot. my old psych pointed out i must like myself a lot if I spend all my free time with myself and she's not wrong lol. I find other people annoying. they make big deals of small things and ask annoying questions. social standards and rules are annoying. if you don't make eye contact you're weird, if you make eye contact too long you're weird, if you like certain hobbies/interests you're weird. but I don't give a shit if I go outside barefoot or coo at my cats or my hair is messy. so I only really relax with myself.

the love part i only feel when I'm at my lowest. when I was really suicidal I was the one who talked myself off the ledge, no one else. I got myself away from abusive people and I worked full-time to keep a roof over my head. I'm learning to cook so that I can make food I like to eat. I adopted two cats because I always wanted cats. I took myself out for coffee and nice walks in nature because those things made other people happy, and I wanted to try everything possible to make this depressed human girl happy. I exercise on and off and I suck but the happy hormones are supposed to make humans happy and I want my human to be happy. I take lexapro for the same reason.

and i'm still depressed as fuck and I probably will be for the rest of my life. and I have no friends and I've never seriously dated anyone and I'm probably never going to have a partner. I didn't shower yesterday and my sheets are a bit gross right now. It wouldn't be fair to date someone. my parents definitely couldn't stand me. and I wouldn't date a depressed person either, so I don't hold it against anyone.

life sucks for a lot of people, but we're fed these narratives that life is good and if you work hard everything works out. and I think that's the worst part of modern society. because no life was actually terrible for a lot of people and it's terrible for us. people have committed suicide, been raped, died in their 20s fighting in wars, been bullied, been hurt. but because everyone is high on the copium they try to pretend like a morning coffee and a nice car or a beautiful view offset those things. they don't. those things are nice and I like them for all of 10 seconds. then I remember we're on planet earth and get depressed again.

i like the quote "if you're not sick in a sick world, there's something wrong with you". just because im depressed doesn't mean I can't find love or friends. it's just hard because everyone is high on the fucking copium lmao and they don't like negativity. would really love if I can find someone real who can handle honesty.

 

[R-7]

it's weird because it's a weird concept. we don't really choose ourselves. so the idea of being my own best friend is weird because I never chose to be born or be this person. and i hate myself naturally. so how do you force yourself to feel anything? if i hate tomatoes I'm not going to love them by eating more of them, or telling the tomato it's great and hard working and should be proud of itself. so don't be hard on yourself for not understanding it because it's pretty fucking weird.

but there is some kind of innate something in me towards myself. i self isolate and don't hang out with other people and i actually hate other people a lot. my old psych pointed out i must like myself a lot if I spend all my free time with myself and she's not wrong lol. I find other people annoying. they make big deals of small things and ask annoying questions. social standards and rules are annoying. if you don't make eye contact you're weird, if you make eye contact too long you're weird, if you like certain hobbies/interests you're weird. but I don't give a shit if I go outside barefoot or coo at my cats or my hair is messy. so I only really relax with myself.

the love part i only feel when I'm at my lowest. when I was really suicidal I was the one who talked myself off the ledge, no one else. I got myself away from abusive people and I worked full-time to keep a roof over my head. I'm learning to cook so that I can make food I like to eat. I adopted two cats because I always wanted cats. I took myself out for coffee and nice walks in nature because those things made other people happy, and I wanted to try everything possible to make this depressed human girl happy. I exercise on and off and I suck but the happy hormones are supposed to make humans happy and I want my human to be happy. I take lexapro for the same reason.

and i'm still depressed as fuck and I probably will be for the rest of my life. and I have no friends and I've never seriously dated anyone and I'm probably never going to have a partner. I didn't shower yesterday and my sheets are a bit gross right now. It wouldn't be fair to date someone. my parents definitely couldn't stand me. and I wouldn't date a depressed person either, so I don't hold it against anyone.

life sucks for a lot of people, but we're fed these narratives that life is good and if you work hard everything works out. and I think that's the worst part of modern society. because no life was actually terrible for a lot of people and it's terrible for us. people have committed suicide, been raped, died in their 20s fighting in wars, been bullied, been hurt. but because everyone is high on the copium they try to pretend like a morning coffee and a nice car or a beautiful view offset those things. they don't. those things are nice and I like them for all of 10 seconds. then I remember we're on planet earth and get depressed again.

i like the quote "if you're not sick in a sick world, there's something wrong with you". just because im depressed doesn't mean I can't find love or friends. it's just hard because everyone is high on the fucking copium lmao and they don't like negativity. would really love if I can find someone real who can handle honesty.

I guess the only people who can really understand ourselves are...well, ourselves? Of course some people (myself very much included) struggle with just that.

A lot of my depression I think is 'learned' I think, from terrible experience after terrible experience and I wouldn't imagine that's too uncommon. After just dealing with BS for as long as I did when I was a kid I guess I just snapped when I was a teenager and I never quite recovered because more BS just keeps happening because I guess that's just how life goes. As far as I can tell all of the stuff I've had to deal with has just rewired my brain.

At least I have some measure of hope that it can be rewired again. I will say though that in a strange sort of way I wish I could actually feed myself copium to feel better like so many other people do but the reality is that I don't want to lie to myself because I have the self awareness to understand that would mean any happiness that came from that would be fake.

Maybe that's okay for some people. Not for me.

Thank you very much for your reply and for your time. While I'm not going to pry it seems like you've been through quite a bit too.

As futile as it might sound when we're deep down in depression I really do hope things start looking up for you. :)