Venting Stressing about father

[leaf23]

This is a whining rant; I apologize in advance but I really feel awful today. It's one of those days when you're already depressed but feel worse than the usual.

I'm freaking out because my father is visiting soon and I get the feeling he's working up to asking to live at my place. I'm scared he'll ask to live here. I'm scared because I don't have a single cell of confidence I'm able to take care of someone or something ever again.

For context:
1. my mother, who I've been living with, died recently at home and I'm kinda traumatized with the whole event watching her die, rushing her to the er, all that stuff
2. there's some unresolved issues with my father
2.1 my parents separated when I was a toddler & my mother was mostly the one who raised me. My father gave sporadic financial & emotional support. He was mainly absent
2.2 I am not close with him. I haven't seen, or talked with him in years before meeting him at my mother's funeral. Currently we're like acquaintances in the sense that we exchange birthday, Christmas greetings, and the like.
3. My father's old, a senior citizen, so I can't exactly reject him if he ever asks. I'm unsure, but I don't think he has the funds for a nursing home. I don't either.
4. I'm an only child (maybe). He says I don't have any half-siblings but years back my mom received unverified news I have one, so I do not know how true this is
5. No one in my family knows of my mental health issues. They probably guessed I'm struggling with something but I'm sure they don't know the extent of it, or how I'm suicidal. I'm not exactly close with any of them, haven't confided in any because I do not want an intervention or someone else taking away my right to kms
6. I think kms is just a matter of when. I've been postponing it because each time I've just been thinking I could endure whatever hell stage of depression or anxiety I'm currently in but I know there's just going to be something in the future that'll validate the hopelessness of everything and lead me to kms. This is another reason why I don't want to live with someone, or have a pet: plans to kms will be harder to implement when I'm living with someone/something.

I'm struggling just to take care of myself (and failing badly at it too). There's all this stress already at just the thought of him, much less living with him 24/7. Im terrified I'll inadvertently fail in taking care of him and kill him this way, or that the stress of living with him will be the one to push me to kill myself. I don't really want to die, but sometimes I feel that I can't handle the pain of living, or I can't bear whatever the current situation is anymore. I know this sounds selfish, which is laughable in a way because popular opinion is that suicide is an act of selfishness. I mean, here I am compounding selfish act of not wanting to take care of the old parent, with the height of selfishness and sin with suicide (I'm lapsed Catholic).

I don't know what to do. I know I'm going to have to take care of him but this just feels like an enormous mountain I have to scale. A mountain that will kill me. I feel as if I won't ever be happy or at ease with him here. I'm exhausted just thinking of how I'll have to take this responsibility. I'm sorry, I'm just really freaking out right now.

 

[lionetta12]

This is a whining rant; I apologize in advance but I really feel awful today. It's one of those days when you're already depressed but feel worse than the usual.

I'm freaking out because my father is visiting soon and I get the feeling he's working up to asking to live at my place. I'm scared he'll ask to live here. I'm scared because I don't have a single cell of confidence I'm able to take care of someone or something ever again.

For context:
1. my mother, who I've been living with, died recently at home and I'm kinda traumatized with the whole event watching her die, rushing her to the er, all that stuff
2. there's some unresolved issues with my father
2.1 my parents separated when I was a toddler & my mother was mostly the one who raised me. My father gave sporadic financial & emotional support. He was mainly absent
2.2 I am not close with him. I haven't seen, or talked with him in years before meeting him at my mother's funeral. Currently we're like acquaintances in the sense that we exchange birthday, Christmas greetings, and the like.
3. My father's old, a senior citizen, so I can't exactly reject him if he ever asks. I'm unsure, but I don't think he has the funds for a nursing home. I don't either.
4. I'm an only child (maybe). He says I don't have any half-siblings but years back my mom received unverified news I have one, so I do not know how true this is
5. No one in my family knows of my mental health issues. They probably guessed I'm struggling with something but I'm sure they don't know the extent of it, or how I'm suicidal. I'm not exactly close with any of them, haven't confided in any because I do not want an intervention or someone else taking away my right to kms
6. I think kms is just a matter of when. I've been postponing it because each time I've just been thinking I could endure whatever hell stage of depression or anxiety I'm currently in but I know there's just going to be something in the future that'll validate the hopelessness of everything and lead me to kms. This is another reason why I don't want to live with someone, or have a pet: plans to kms will be harder to implement when I'm living with someone/something.

I'm struggling just to take care of myself (and failing badly at it too). There's all this stress already at just the thought of him, much less living with him 24/7. Im terrified I'll inadvertently fail in taking care of him and kill him this way, or that the stress of living with him will be the one to push me to kill myself. I don't really want to die, but sometimes I feel that I can't handle the pain of living, or I can't bear whatever the current situation is anymore. I know this sounds selfish, which is laughable in a way because popular opinion is that suicide is an act of selfishness. I mean, here I am compounding selfish act of not wanting to take care of the old parent, with the height of selfishness and sin with suicide (I'm lapsed Catholic).

I don't know what to do. I know I'm going to have to take care of him but this just feels like an enormous mountain I have to scale. A mountain that will kill me. I feel as if I won't ever be happy or at ease with him here. I'm exhausted just thinking of how I'll have to take this responsibility. I'm sorry, I'm just really freaking out right now.

I think the best thing in this situation, if he does end up asking to stay, is to be honest about your struggles of taking care of yourself and how this could add an unbearable amount of stress upon you and explain your fears. You don't have to go into detail since you arent that close, nor tell everything, but you can explain some of it if you are comfortable with that if he ever asks. I understand how this is like as I've had to deal with a similar situation, although with my mom.

I struggle with guilt regarding the situation and regarding turning her down every day for a place to stay, but I just cannot for the sake of my own sanity let her stay with me. That combined with the fact that I have no relationship with her what so ever and she only use me for money makes it impossible. It hurts as I care about people a lot and I help everyone, but this time I have to help myself considering how poor my health is right now. I know that if I ever let her into my apartment, I will end up CTB the same day because it will be too much to handle and take care of. I hope you wont struggle with a lot of guilt if you do turn him down, it is the worst thing about an experience like this in my opinion.

Overall, maybe you can offer to help him in other ways or try to find some other options? I really hope it all works out for both of you. If you ever want to talk more about this or anything else, we are here for you and you can count on support from us.

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound really stressful what you are going through. This life really can be tiring as after all, everything is unpredictable and uncertain and things can easily get much worse for us. I'm sorry that you suffer. I wish you the best.

 

[leaf23]

Thank you for all the kind words and support

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Is his current living situation unstable or is he unhappy with it?

 

[leaf23]

I've no idea; we don't really talk, just the basic 'happy birthday', stuff like that. Frankly, with my state of mental wellbeing, I don't have the energy, or the desire to reconnect or engage more with anyone, but the thing is, I come from a traditional family and community where filial piety is emphasized so the guilt is wearing me down . I suspect I'll fold when he finally visits and we talk.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I've no idea; we don't really talk, just the basic 'happy birthday', stuff like that. Frankly, with my state of mental wellbeing, I don't have the energy, or the desire to reconnect or engage more with anyone, but the thing is, I come from a traditional family and community where filial piety is emphasized so the guilt is wearing me down . I suspect I'll fold when he finally visits and we talk.

If there are certain things he does and says that upset you, maybe you can set those boundaries as a condition? I'm sorry about this difficult position you're in, compounded by his lack of knowledge of your mental health. I really hope he doesn't make that request of you.

 

[chloramine]

That sounds really tough. If you can't take care of him then being upfront about that in some manner would be best. I really don't think you should say yes, for your own sake and health. I get how that would be incredibly hard though. I know practicing what you plan to say (out loud) can make it more doable- a kind of desensitization. Regardless of what you do, I don't think you're being selfish. Acknowledging and honouring our limits is a strength not a weakness or selfishness.

 

[Lullaby]

To start, I know how this feels. My dad has a benign brain tumor and it gives him really bad seizures. Whenever he ends up in the hospital, I'm the one that's called. It's really hard and emotionally taxing, on top of everything else I usually deal with.

I agree that I would be honest with him and have a talk about what you're dealing with. If you guys aren't close, I feel like that would have to be worked on first.

I would try not to worry too much about it if you can. Sometimes we feel like we know something is going to happen, but it doesn't really turn out that way in the end. If you feel it would help, maybe write down how you're feeling. That way if the topic does come up, you have an idea of what you might want to say or touch on.

Please try not to feel guilty. Everything you're experiencing is valid and this is not an easy situation to deal with.