Bikishii
yeah yeah whatever
- Mar 12, 2026
- 89
Well, as the title (and the post) suggests, I'm still alive.
I livestream somewhat regularly on a non-english website, I won't say which. I would never stream my actual suicide and give gore hounds something to jerk off to for decades to come, but I made sure to say goodbye to my followers, picking out the clothes I was to die in, explaining how I was going to CTB, and writing my note(s) right on cam. My more faithful followers were saying "Bikishii, no, fucking stop, don't do it, please don't do it" while the motherfuckers who either didn't know who I was or didn't care just said things like "show your tits, bitch" or "well at least show us your cunt before you die lmao." I shouldn't really expect much better from humanity. I even told them I wasn't going to die on stream, and that they could record all they wanted but that they wouldn't see shit aside from some bitch crying and explaining her reasons why. "But think about your family, you need to live for them." I responded "nah, I'd be doing them a favor, just one last bad thing against them and they'd never need to worry ever again." It was rough.
I was going to use multiple methods at the same time to CTB just to make extra sure that it wasn' a failed try. Well, I did the shit in the wrong order and so here I am, still alive. I have mixed feelings about that. I don't want to be alive still, but I don't have the strong urge to CTB like I did when I actually tried. Next morning, police came to my unlocked door and tried to be nice to me before taking me to the hospital in handcuffs because clearly someone who could barely stand up was such a threat to everyone else. Bastards. I was no danger to them nor to anyone else at that point since I was alive but pretty incapacitated. Then I got put on another strict psych ward hold (just like when I was a teenager) but am a good enough liar that I got released a few days later. They gave me a bag full of the clothes and books I brought with me, left me on the curb outside of the hospital, and said "best of luck to you" and closed the gate on me. I had to get home all by myself. I didn't know what to make of it then and still don't know what to make of it now even though it was seasons ago that I did it.
Like I said in my title and my first paragraph, I didn't wanna give sick fucks (or regular fucks, whatever you personally consider them) anything to go gaga over for decades to come. I'm not famous but I didn't wanna be the next Budd Dwyer or Ronnie McNutt or other internet suicide. I'd probably have gotten lost in the sea of internet suicides anyway, but I didn't wanna give those assholes the satisfaction. But I still wanted to say goodbye. I recorded an hour long video to go along with my suicide note because apparently I can't shut the fuck up, as you would know if you've seen any of my previous posts.
Call me cheesy, I don't give a fuck, but one of the last songs I listened to before I tried to CTB was Bullet by Hollywood Undead. One of the lyrics is "looked in the mirror and you said goodbye, climbed to the roof to see if you could fly" and let me tell you, looking in the mirror before preparing my suicide chamber was one of the most surreal experiences of my life. It was me I was looking at, but it wasn't... me. I realized it was the last time I would ever see my face, my body, my anything. None of the words in any language I know could express that feeling of seeing yourself for the last time. My suicide chamber (among other methods) didn't work out obviously, so I lived to see myself in the mirror yet again.
Why am I writing this? I don't fucking know. Maybe it's to bring my "points" up on here. Maybe it's just for me to bitch and whine and complain. Maybe it's to see if anyone else has had similar experiences. Go ahead and respond and say whatever you want. Say I should've succeeded. Express sympathy. Ask what brought me to that point. Ask my methods. I don't care. I just had to get this out there to some of you other folks who would understand this feeling at least to some degree.
Stay safe out there, guys. Whatever "safe" looks like to you, in life or in death, just stay safe, ok?
I livestream somewhat regularly on a non-english website, I won't say which. I would never stream my actual suicide and give gore hounds something to jerk off to for decades to come, but I made sure to say goodbye to my followers, picking out the clothes I was to die in, explaining how I was going to CTB, and writing my note(s) right on cam. My more faithful followers were saying "Bikishii, no, fucking stop, don't do it, please don't do it" while the motherfuckers who either didn't know who I was or didn't care just said things like "show your tits, bitch" or "well at least show us your cunt before you die lmao." I shouldn't really expect much better from humanity. I even told them I wasn't going to die on stream, and that they could record all they wanted but that they wouldn't see shit aside from some bitch crying and explaining her reasons why. "But think about your family, you need to live for them." I responded "nah, I'd be doing them a favor, just one last bad thing against them and they'd never need to worry ever again." It was rough.
I was going to use multiple methods at the same time to CTB just to make extra sure that it wasn' a failed try. Well, I did the shit in the wrong order and so here I am, still alive. I have mixed feelings about that. I don't want to be alive still, but I don't have the strong urge to CTB like I did when I actually tried. Next morning, police came to my unlocked door and tried to be nice to me before taking me to the hospital in handcuffs because clearly someone who could barely stand up was such a threat to everyone else. Bastards. I was no danger to them nor to anyone else at that point since I was alive but pretty incapacitated. Then I got put on another strict psych ward hold (just like when I was a teenager) but am a good enough liar that I got released a few days later. They gave me a bag full of the clothes and books I brought with me, left me on the curb outside of the hospital, and said "best of luck to you" and closed the gate on me. I had to get home all by myself. I didn't know what to make of it then and still don't know what to make of it now even though it was seasons ago that I did it.
Like I said in my title and my first paragraph, I didn't wanna give sick fucks (or regular fucks, whatever you personally consider them) anything to go gaga over for decades to come. I'm not famous but I didn't wanna be the next Budd Dwyer or Ronnie McNutt or other internet suicide. I'd probably have gotten lost in the sea of internet suicides anyway, but I didn't wanna give those assholes the satisfaction. But I still wanted to say goodbye. I recorded an hour long video to go along with my suicide note because apparently I can't shut the fuck up, as you would know if you've seen any of my previous posts.
Call me cheesy, I don't give a fuck, but one of the last songs I listened to before I tried to CTB was Bullet by Hollywood Undead. One of the lyrics is "looked in the mirror and you said goodbye, climbed to the roof to see if you could fly" and let me tell you, looking in the mirror before preparing my suicide chamber was one of the most surreal experiences of my life. It was me I was looking at, but it wasn't... me. I realized it was the last time I would ever see my face, my body, my anything. None of the words in any language I know could express that feeling of seeing yourself for the last time. My suicide chamber (among other methods) didn't work out obviously, so I lived to see myself in the mirror yet again.
Why am I writing this? I don't fucking know. Maybe it's to bring my "points" up on here. Maybe it's just for me to bitch and whine and complain. Maybe it's to see if anyone else has had similar experiences. Go ahead and respond and say whatever you want. Say I should've succeeded. Express sympathy. Ask what brought me to that point. Ask my methods. I don't care. I just had to get this out there to some of you other folks who would understand this feeling at least to some degree.
Stay safe out there, guys. Whatever "safe" looks like to you, in life or in death, just stay safe, ok?
