Venting Stream of thoughs

[LoveroftheDark]

Right now is the best for anyone else. Do you ever feel like your life is just so perfect that you don't get the right to complain, then downplay your true emotions and embrace guilt? Guilt for existing, guilt for taking up space, resources, air.

I felt once I spoke up, somebody would hear me. At least that's what my therapist told me. Instead they take it now as granted, like each time speaking about myself isn't just stressful enough to make me puke.

So I stopped. Stopped responding to texts on time, stopped visibly showing how strong my emotions are actually.

Well, nobody wants a shit friend so they are gonna stop eventually. Does it count as self sabotage? No, I don't really think so because for it to matter, it would've had to make me hurt physically. Mental abuse towards me is fine because I'm not even real. I should be, but... It just feels like a movie, like every issue is overblown into something bigger for the audience to laugh and point. And I'm not an attractive character, more like an anti-hero made to raise awareness about MH.

It's just how I think, I'm not dissociated rn, more like going through it.

Does it even count as a dissociation if I don't hallucinate? Idk man, these psychiatrists will drive me crazy. "Rate how you feel from scale of 1-10" I know a depressed person would say 3 at maximum, but the lowest I went was probably 4, which is so bad I can't even imagine. I never tell the truth, the truth is I should be executed for the kinds of nasty thoughts I have.

 

[timf]

Negative thoughts about yourself can be a control mechanism similar to cutting or eating disorders. They can be used to keep anxieties at bay by exercising a feeling of control. These control or management strategies can seem to work for a while, but they do not generally address an underlying problem such as anxiety People with lower anxiety often have invested their lives in a religious faith, political position, career, special interest, family, o even a consumptive life of entertainment and video games. It might be useful to find an "anchor" for your life such that anxieties have less freedom to form and roam.

 

[LoveroftheDark]

It might be useful to find an "anchor" for your life.

What do you mean by "anchor"? Is it something that I'm confident in doing, or more like some reason to live?

And also I've never been diagnosed with any anxiety disorders, but I'm dealing with past trauma right now, and that could also be a reason for my feelings.

 

[timf]

There are some people for whom their art is their life. Others find a passion in a hobby. Still others find that their career is fulfilling. Perhaps more than just a reason to live, it is a source of satisfaction and fulfillment. Some who are perhaps more emotional seem to find their passion in life more easily than others. If one is more inclined to the logical (Spock more than McCoy), they may find it difficult to ignite a passion. However, that doesn't mean that they cannot make an investment that is personally satisfying.

 

[LoveroftheDark]

There are some people for whom their art is their life. Others find a passion in a hobby. Still others find that their career is fulfilling. Perhaps more than just a reason to live, it is a source of satisfaction and fulfillment. Some who are perhaps more emotional seem to find their passion in life more easily than others. If one is more inclined to the logical (Spock more than McCoy), they may find it difficult to ignite a passion. However, that doesn't mean that they cannot make an investment that is personally satisfying.

Thank you! I loved the Star Trek reference.
I find it hard to take enjoyment out of something, after a while, it gets boring, always, and I end up quitting. Is this normal in this case? Should I still pursue the search, or maybe the search itself is a meaning? Is it something lifelong, or just something that would stick for a while, then switch or disappear, reappear again etc.?

 

[timf]

One can enjoy what might be called "consumptive"activities/ Like a ride on a roller coaster, one does not gain the same effect a second time. These sort of activities may have to be switched to stop them from getting old. There are other activities that are less consumptive and more a sort of investing of yourself. One's work can fit into this, for example, if one worked at a convenience store, one could do so in a way that engaged the customers in a positive way by providing good service or humor or other connection such that people left happier than they arrived. This sort of "giving" of oneself can be rewarding. Some find the same sort of reward in doing volunteer work.

Boredom is a problem for consumptive activities. You can switch them around and try to stave off boredom, but you may have to experiment with "giving" activities to find something rewarding enough to give deeper satisfaction.