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YukiFox

YukiFox

Pastel demon
Dec 8, 2018
320
Hi everyone. I'm still trying to survive.
My inner self was more or less stable since I came out as female transgender. I mean, that hopelessness when I feel as a male extinguished, but I'm in another kind of struggles.
Surprisingly, I healed my grief for losing both of my parents this year, also one loved aunt. It hurt me a lot, surely, but I could handle it. I'm barely managing my gender dysphoria since any non essential treatment in the public healthcare system are halted by he currrent pandemic, and I can't afford any hormones in a third party or something. I accepted that. But my depression hits me for another side: procrastination. I'm unproductive, I can't found myself as a freelancer, I have a lot of struggles to concentrate and focusing in find any little job. Also, there's some discrimination - even silent - to undergraduate people (I had a degree in English and Spanish language and literatures), that you have less probabilitites to be approved in retail store or supermarket jobs since the HR assistants wants people with high school diplomas as maximum. That awful rule, even not written, my therapist explained to me. So I'm struggling to find work opportunities here.
Unfortunately, I will cut out my psychotherapy sessions since I can't pay for it, despite its low price ($15 USD dollars per 40 minute online sessions). For food well, a friend donated some basic items like rice, eggs, sugar, coffee, soap... but I can't sustain myself with her donations all the time. Also, my pride struggled every time when she did that because I thinked that I hitted the bottom of the well for that, when at the beggining of the year I was working with her.
I tried to start working with web design. However, my lack of portfolio blocks me to find clients. I know the basics to prepare a decent website at Wordpress, for example, but that isn't enough to convince people to hire me...
Whatever, I'm in financial distress and unfortunately that triggers my CTB thoughts. This week is crucial to me: if I can't close a deal to do a website to a person, I'm totally broken! I miss pizza, I miss beer, I miss sushi.
The bright side is that I admitted my procrastination problem and I'm trying to organize myself a little bit. I have a friend to help me with that. I hope I can kill that procrastination demon out of my life. I embrace some techniques of organization and time management, with the goal to control myself from distraction, procrastination and lack of motivation.
Anyway, I'm not in inmediate danger of kill myself (I think). But surely I'm in hard times like in past times. I hope I can overcome this, because in past threads in this forum I commented that I want to killl the masculine mask, not the person that I am now.
Finallly, I will write down more often. Writing it's the only way to heal myself. One of my reasons to keep going it's to pursuit a writing carreer, at any level: if I sell only a couple of digital books, that will be fine. If I won the mainstream lottery and I had Youtube reviews and even TV or film versions of my work, awesome! Seriously, writing it's the only way to calm down my inner ghosts, my inner war inside me.
Take care, community.
 
sarahR

sarahR

Experienced
Nov 11, 2020
225
Sending you strength. I also think I should start writing about my life so if one day I'm gone someone can read my feelings and know my state of mind.
 
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ohhgeeitsme

ohhgeeitsme

Wizard
Feb 5, 2020
694
I can definitely relate to money being one of the biggest triggers. My anxiety makes keeping and holding down a job extremely difficult, which makes me more anxious. I lost my job almost a year ago when I developed akathisia and I'm still unemployed. Besides needing to buy a car and move out of my dad's place (just moved here when I lost my job), I desperately need to get my teeth fixed. I brush my teeth twice a day and they're still in horrible shape. Mostly due to an eating disorder years ago that was later exacerbated by fasoracetam taken under the tongue, which I used for depression (worked too). I fear that it won't be long until I look like a meth addict when I simply open my mouth to talk, and I've never even done meth. Right now, I can hide it if I talk/smile/laugh in a particular way, so no one knows just how bad it is yet. If it gets that bad, I really don't think I could handle it. I have body dysmorphic disorder, looking like that will destroy me. I've had an abscessed tooth for three years but it's also the only spot in the back that I can use to chew food. So If I get it extracted, I'll only be able to eat soft foods. There's another problem with my body that I'm too embarrassed to even write here, but it could easily be taken care of with money. It affected all my relationships, because I had to hide it and I couldn't hide it 24/7.. so I wouldn't have sex for long periods. It got to the point where I stopped even having relationships and now I'm always incredibly lonely.

Anyway. Yeah, I know how much financial stress can hurt. What's crazy is that I'm actually more afraid of being toothless than I am being homeless and homelessness is a real possibility for me. How sick is that? If I won the lottery, so many of my problems would be solved. I'd still have an anxiety disorder.. but not worrying about money would lower it greatly and it wouldn't be so bad that I'd want to die. Plus, money would allow treatments and therapies I don't have access to now, which could also really help. I really need to see neurologist too but I can't because I don't have health insurance anymore.. and this also makes it next to impossible to work. I could get disability but I'd have to see a neurologist several times first, but I don't have the money because I don't health insurance and I don't qualify for government aide because they go off household income and I currently live with my father who makes over the insanely low limit.

Sorry, I didn't mean to write so much about myself haha. Keep up with the writing! It sounds like you really are trying and doing your best and that is literally all you can do. I wish you the best.
 
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YukiFox

YukiFox

Pastel demon
Dec 8, 2018
320
Update: I recieved an e-mail about that I'll be credit restricted. If I get that confirmed with a call or letter, it wasn't a scam (Because I got paranoid with click on this or that). So in another words my financial overview gets more cloudy.
 
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A

AutoTap

Elementalist
Nov 11, 2020
886
Update: I recieved an e-mail about that I'll be credit restricted. If I get that confirmed with a call or letter, it wasn't a scam (Because I got paranoid with click on this or that). So in another words my financial overview gets more cloudy.
Rip :/, I wish you the best.
 
Deleted member 94

Deleted member 94

Wizard
Mar 24, 2018
696
Hi

First time posting here if I read correctly you can't get retail jobs because you are over qualified why don't you just include upto your high school.
 
gus.nixon

gus.nixon

and now we rise and we are everywhere
Apr 19, 2020
309
I wish you were still here to talk to, Yuki
 

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