Still Struggling With the Decision

[KafkaF]

I know this is probably a boring post, but I honestly don't have anywhere else to turn with this stuff. There's no one I can talk to about this. At least not properly.

I am planning on ending it some way. Either at my hands or at someone else's. And the thing is, I do have my mind mostly set on it. And I know it's the right thing. But I'm still struggling with coming to terms with my life being over. And with the idea of non-existence.

I know that non-existence is really nothing to be afraid of. I didn't exist before I was alive and it didn't bother me. When I'm asleep and unconscious is always when I feel best. And it's going to happen sooner or later anyway. Whether I first live another 60 years of suffering or not doesn't really matter. I'll have to deal with the end of my life eventually. And I know that. I know all of that. But it's still so hard.

And then realizing my life is done... I had dreams, you know. Things I wanted to do. Things I wanted to experience. I want to be happy. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to have a happy life with her. And become a writer. And write novels and articles. I wanted ALL of this. But because of my mental health problems and just the world I know I can't. I can't ever have any of it. And I know that rationally. But emotionally it feels so hard to let go.

I'm almost crying typing all of this. It's so hard.

I know I want to die but I also don't want to die. I wish things had just gone differently. That I could live and be happy. That's what I really want.

But I also know that's not possible.

People often talk about suicide as being an emotional decision that goes against your reason. But for me, at least, it's the opposite. My rational mind tells me that I've suffered so much and I will suffer more. That my life is destroyed beyond repair. And that all those things I want, I will never get. But my emotion doesn't want to give up all of those things. Wants to believe that somehow things will all work out. But I'm so broken and my life is so shattered that I know that won't happen.

I think the thing that maybe is the biggest hurdle for me is the moment itself. It feels so hard to go through with it.

I'm so lost and in pain.

 

[IWishToDie]

I know this is probably a boring post, but I honestly don't have anywhere else to turn with this stuff. There's no one I can talk to about this. At least not properly.

I am planning on ending it some way. Either at my hands or at someone else's. And the thing is, I do have my mind mostly set on it. And I know it's the right thing. But I'm still struggling with coming to terms with my life being over. And with the idea of non-existence.

I know that non-existence is really nothing to be afraid of. I didn't exist before I was alive and it didn't bother me. When I'm asleep and unconscious is always when I feel best. And it's going to happen sooner or later anyway. Whether I first live another 60 years of suffering or not doesn't really matter. I'll have to deal with the end of my life eventually. And I know that. I know all of that. But it's still so hard.

And then realizing my life is done... I had dreams, you know. Things I wanted to do. Things I wanted to experience. I want to be happy. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to have a happy life with her. And become a writer. And write novels and articles. I wanted ALL of this. But because of my mental health problems and just the world I know I can't. I can't ever have any of it. And I know that rationally. But emotionally it feels so hard to let go.

I'm almost crying typing all of this. It's so hard.

I know I want to die but I also don't want to die. I wish things had just gone differently. That I could live and be happy. That's what I really want.

But I also know that's not possible.

People often talk about suicide as being an emotional decision that goes against your reason. But for me, at least, it's the opposite. My rational mind tells me that I've suffered so much and I will suffer more. That my life is destroyed beyond repair. And that all those things I want, I will never get. But my emotion doesn't want to give up all of those things. Wants to believe that somehow things will all work out. But I'm so broken and my life is so shattered that I know that won't happen.

I think the thing that maybe is the biggest hurdle for me is the moment itself. It feels so hard to go through with it.

I'm so lost and in pain.

@KafkaF Cannot give you an answer. I managed to fix my mental problems but I gained physical problems that probably cannot be fixed. I'm at the end of my rope, for different reasons. Take your time and do what you can to move on. I'm not trying to be insulting though I don't know the full extent of your mental issues. Only you can assess if they can be helped or if they are just way too bad to bare. Remember not to rush this, best of luck with whatever you choose.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have such a rough time. I hope you find peace.

 

[Antoine_Roquentin]

I can absolutely relate to your experience. I am also torn between wanting to die and wanting to live. Rationally there is no other choice than to ctb. I'm still coming to terms with it, I still have to mourn the person that I could have been but cannot be.