still here and feel like a fraud

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I feel like a fraud for not having ctb yet. I really thought I'd got past my guilt problem but I haven't. I don't want anyone to have to find me but it's unavoidable. I feel really guilty for the person who finds me, it's likely to be my flatmate when she returns from her parents' when lockdown is lifted a bit more. If schools open on 1st June as they look like they will I think there will also be more freedom of movement and she will come back. I've also looked into what happens after a suicide. The post mortum, the inquest, I don't want my family to have to stand up at an inquest and say I was nutter and then hear just how much of a nutter I am. I wish I could die and for my body to disappear.

Hanging isn't my preferred method but it's my only option. I would love for oding to be more reliable. In past attempts (before I found this site and believed the wording on the boxes that od could cause death) I didn't have a problem with SI at all, a little hesitation maybe but once I started popping those pills it was easy and a relief and comforting. I didn't throw up and just drifted off totally convinced it was going to be the big sleep.

I'd also like cutting to be more effective. I feel so relaxed when I cut, all the dirt and evil in me runs away and it would be bliss for me if I could just make a couple of cuts and let life leave me. In reality it takes too long, you're liable to clot anyway and it makes far too much mess.

I think failed attempts have increased my SI, not from increased fear of death but from overwhelming fear of survival. I really don't want to attempt and survive, it's unlikely with hanging with no one to find me but she could come back at any time. I might overcome the SI, kick the chair away and 15 mins later she walks in and I'm a vegetable. At the same time it would be better if it's quite close to when she gets back so that my body isn't too deteriorated by flies etc which I think would be more traumatic.I also fear the door falling off it's hinges or my knot coming undone.

I think that pro lifers would interpret the fact that I haven't ctb as evidence that I don't really want to. My aunt said to me ages ago that if I was going to kill myself I would have done it by now. Am I just being a fraud?

 

[Epsilon0]

Absolutely not!

A fraud is someone who tries to gain something by dishonest means.

You are obviously in pain and struggling with a huge life and death issue. There is nothing dishonest or fraudulent about that. Most people need a lifetime to figure things out. Be kind to yourself!

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

Thanks, maybe fraud was the wrong word - fake maybe?

I just feel bad for saying I want to ctb but then don't do it.

I've been exhausted the past few days and that has stopped me trying to ctb which I don't understand. Being really tired might have helped to lessen the SI but I've just gone to bed every time. I don't usually sleep much but the past few days I've slept about 14-16 hours.

I think the safest time for me to attempt to ctb would be after midnight as I think it's unlikely that my flatmate will return at that time but I keep going to sleep.

I feel really lost. I don't want to be alive but I can't take my life either so I just sleep and cry

 

[Deleted member 1465]

No, it's a position many people find themselves in here. If people didn't have that awful contradictory feeling then this place would be a lot emptier. I've felt it myself and it leads to its own peculiar brand of despair, one that no one else who hasn't felt it can ever understand.

 

[Mm80]

No but i can relate to the feeling as ive kept myself going in case things get better whilst always having a feeling that things wont I Need to know ive exhausted everything before being at peace with the decision. Fraud is probably the wrong word and a bit harsh.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

It makes it worse thinking about the 'you would have done it by now' and 'suicide is an easy way out' type comments. The only people who think that suicide is the easy way out are those who have never contemplated it because it really isn't easy.

@Mm80 the thing is I feel that I have exhausted every possibility of things getting better. I am sure that I have no reason to live but leaving is still so hard

 

[niloc]

It makes it worse thinking about the 'you would have done it by now' and 'suicide is an easy way out' type comments. The only people who think that suicide is the easy way out are those who have never contemplated it because it really isn't easy.

YES! I feel exactly this way in that it's sure as hell not easy. It's almost like all the aborted attempts I've had within these last few weeks seem to simply mock me.. "it's so easy"... if that's the case.. then I guess I'm the one making it hard on me..

 

[Quarky00]

I feel like a fraud for not having ctb yet.

I feel the same . It's okay .

I don't want anyone to have to find me but it's unavoidable.

You can contact LE with delayed message , or otherwise delay message or email to flatmate not to come in . If you cancel your ctb you can cancel that , no harm done . Just test it before so you feel confident . LE and paramedics are trained in seeing awful things and it's part of their job .

The post mortum, the inquest, I don't want my family to have to stand up at an inquest and say I was nutter

That is mostly avoidable !
A full inquest -- a judicial investigatory public hearing -- is rare . If susp circ (inc suicide) coroner obliged to open inquiry . At that point officers gather information and transfer to coroner . He or she than rule cause of death . Only if circumstances are unique a hearing will be made . Otherwise coroner will use testimonies already taken by officers right after ctb . Family members don't have to see the body , anyone can identify , usually with a photo . Information delivered in this paragraph changes between jurisdictions .

I think that pro lifers would interpret the fact that I haven't ctb as evidence that I don't really want to. My aunt said to me ages ago that if I was going to kill myself I would have done it by now. Am I just being a fraud?

Not only pro lifers , but some members here . Some claim if you have doubts or fears it's not the time yet . I understand this is some detrimental view (destiny fate etc) and not a judgment on a person's readiness . That's one part of the notion , the other , that you are a fraud , is horrible . It's false , judgmental and abusive

I'm not saying you should do , but I hope you will in general deal with worries and guilt , maybe that will lead you to ctb , maybe to recovery , but anyway it'll make things better You are already suffering , you don't deserve more pain concerning guilt and other accusations .

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

YES! I feel exactly this way in that it's sure as hell not easy. It's almost like all the aborted attempts I've had within these last few weeks seem to simply mock me.. "it's so easy"... if that's the case.. then I guess I'm the one making it hard on me..

That's exactly it. Suicide is so easy so why do I fail? What is wrong with me that I can't even get suicide right?

In another thread I talked about the portrayal of suicide on screen. People who are fortunate enough to never have contemplated taking their own life see people ctb with a few extra paracetamol. a couple of slits to the wrist and they think it's so simple and so selfish. I feel that my major stumbling block at the moment is that I don't want to traumatize the person who finds me - is that me being selfish? Maybe if I can overcome that guilt I will be selfish but no one sees the struggle and the torment involved in ctb they just see the end mess.

You can contact LE with delayed message , or otherwise delay message or email to flatmate not to come in

I've looked for an email address for the police but I can't find one. I sent a scheduled email to a secondary email account of mine to see if it works and it does so the option to schedule one to my flatmate is there. I still feel some guilt about doing that to her although it will be better than walking in on my dead body.

LE and paramedics are trained in seeing awful things and it's part of their job .

Just because it's their job doesn't mean it will be nice for them.

I still want to see how the people I leave behind react - my family the police. That's to ease my guilt too. I don't want to see them sad I want to see that no one is angry with me. I've spent my whole life being scared of people getting angry with me and even in death I want to make sure they're not angry - so pathetic!

 

[Quarky00]

to see if it works and it does so the option to schedule one to my flatmate is there. I still feel some guilt about doing that to her

If you don't want her to be involved , and not know about it , pick another 'designated adult' for that purpose ... Like a neighbour, SW, etc ... It's only for calling the police ... That person doesn't need to get involved ... "Please call the police , the key is under the pot , I'm okay , but call police to flat" . People are not always online and may read emails later , so think it through (perhaps sms addon) .

Just because it's their job doesn't mean it will be nice for them.

It's fine .
It's never nice but it's fine .
Many medical staff and law enforcement personnel have some form of ptsd , or some horrific case they won't forget . It's never easy but it's fine . They get over it . That's their job . It's like a pathologist , you get used to it .. You can leave a note at entrance of flat for officers to be careful . Experienced paramedics have seen pretty much everything -- people's brain's totally out on the road etc....
You are very caring about others

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I know the police see a lot of horrendous things so they're used to it, I just don't want to cause trauma to anyone. I can hear people saying that it's just an excuse, maybe it is and I don't want to believe I'm too scared to ctb. I've felt like a burden to everyone my whole life, I don't want to be a burden in death too.

 

[heraclitus]

I think we've all felt like that, so thank you for sharing. This is not a decision to be taken lightly and it is not "easy". In some ways, because you are closing off so many options, I think it is harder than deciding to keep going.

All of your emotions - guilt, despair and the like - are normal human reactions so please do not give yourself a hard time.

I think about ctb every day but have not yet acted on my thoughts because (for me) the time has to be right, all loose ends tied up.

Your words show you are a caring person who deserves happiness.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

My loose ends are all tied up, will made, funeral paid for, bills paid. I've tried many times to turn my life around but any progress was always short lived and followed by a fall far greater than the fall before it. I know everyone has their ups and downs but this time I have fallen into such a hole that in trying to dig my way out I have just dug myself deeper into the hole.

Many times in life I have felt the fear and done it anyway, maybe I just need to employ this tactic with ctb

 

[Mm80]

It makes it worse thinking about the 'you would have done it by now' and 'suicide is an easy way out' type comments. The only people who think that suicide is the easy way out are those who have never contemplated it because it really isn't easy.

@Mm80 the thing is I feel that I have exhausted every possibility of things getting better. I am sure that I have no reason to live but leaving is still so hard

Can completely relate to this. I think that because its such a big decision the mind tricks us into thinking of one more remedy or thing to try. Or mine certainly does lol.
The ironic thing for me is that the people who say its the easy way out are the ones who are most shit scared of the idea of ctb. Pro life bullshit doesnt help people who are seriously considering ctb, pro choice does.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

Can anyone offer any advice on what to write or how to word a scheduled email to my flatmate? She's quite a fragile person mentally and I want to limit the damage as much as possible. If you have suggestions that you don't want to post here maybe you could pm me. Thanks

 

[Quarky00]

this time I have fallen into such a hole that in trying to dig my way out I have just dug myself deeper into the hole.

What happened? Last days you seem very close to ctb.

That's to ease my guilt too. I don't want to see them sad I want to see that no one is angry with me.

I don't think people will be angry with you . They will be sad . They may show anger when you're alive because they don't understand or it's hard for them to handle (impatient; life is hard). People who care for you may act wrongly sometimes ... As you know anger is part of grief , but it's temporary and passes . Maybe a letter could ease their pain . I'm sure you've thought of everything .

I've spent my whole life being scared of people getting angry with me and even in death I want to make sure they're not angry - so pathetic!

It's not pathetic that's how many abused people react . They are scared of everything .

I've felt like a burden to everyone my whole life, I don't want to be a burden in death too.

You have made , and are making , the utmost effort -- pay bills , not cause trauma , etc .

Either way it's a problem to let guilt eat you from the inside and destroy you even more

 

[disconnection]

@Iwantoutrightnow it's really sad reading this and seeing just how hard you are being on yourself. None of this is pathetic or fake or anything else. This is the hardest decision you will ever make. And contemplating the aftermath for others makes it really painful, I get that. Ultimately though it's your choice whether you put your needs or others' needs first.. I'm saying this now but I know as I edge closer to my time I'll be feeling exactly the same!

In terms of what you say to your flatmate, there's not a huge amount you can do except cushion the blow as much as possible. Gently lead up to the news and then make it quite practical in terms of the things she'll need to do. At least, that's how I'd do it. Good luck

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

They are scared of everything .

I'm literally afraid of my own shadow - I glimpsed it and I jumped!

What happened? Last days you seem very close to ctb.

Just self pitying drivel probably! I feel very close to ctb but also so very far away from it too. I feel a huge time pressure now which is actually working against me

 

[Quarky00]

I'm literally afraid of my own shadow - I glimpsed it and I jumped!
Just self pitying drivel probably! I feel very close to ctb but also so very far away from it too. I feel a huge time pressure now which is actually working against me

I relate to that entirely as I've been there in that past . I was jumpy from my own movements/shadow . (And also figuratively/mentally) . I had time pressure before getting evicted . You can resolve this either way , you can extend your 'deadline' , you can do things calmer (hard!) . Even if you can't , don't let it pressure you . I know you want to ctb and you are determined . It's okay to do so but also okay to delay. Think things through (although you did- maybe too much?), tie all the loose ends (you have done much already), take your time, you have at least a week , that's 170 hours, make the best of it either way . Dont rush to things but don't put yourself in a loop (ah).

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I'm physically weak, I think that's why I've slept so much recently. I haven't left my flat since April. I've hardly eaten since then and I have no food at all left in the flat. All I have to drink is tap water. This isn't an attempt to ctb by starvation, I just don't want to be in the world. I'm not scared of catching corona virus, I didn't like going out before it took hold. I can't face going to the supermarket to buy food, I don't want to exist with other people. I can't get a home delivery. I did think that if I was weak that would help overcome SI but it seems it's working against me as I'm just too tired. The time pressure isn't just my flatmate returning, I've either got to ctb or go out into the horrible world and buy food.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Edited.

This part is the same, removed the first part.


As far as your roommate, can you wedge a chair back under the door and leave a note where she'll find it at the apartment entrance to warn her to contact emergency services? As far as a letter, I don't know your relationship, so take from this anything that helps and discard the rest: perhaps something that expresses (genuinely) what she's meant to you, what you value about her, that you were very conflicted and so sorry that you didn't have access to another location, what arrangements you've made so that she doesn't feel burdened by undue responsibility, that there's nothing she could have done but be the supportive/good/whatever person she was to you which was more than enough because this was solely about you, and what good things you see for her future and hope for her. If you know someone who is supportive for her in a healthy way, maybe suggest she go to that person to help her get through.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

Thanks @GoodPersonEffed. I don't really know her that well, she moved in at the beginning of December and then went back to her parents towards the end of March. It gets complicate because not long before she went home she told me she was suicidal. I didn't tell her that I was too and that I had made a plan. Instead I tried to get her to see the good things in her life, it felt very contradictory and wrong. Trying to convince someone that life is worth living when all you want to do is die is difficult. We never really talked about me and my life, if she ever asked anything I would give a dismissive answer and turn the focus back on her. I didn't want to get a lodger because I knew I was planning to ctb but I couldn't afford to pay my rent whilst I was waiting for all the loose ends to be tied up. I was selfish in that respect but I didn't know when she moved in that she was as fragile as she is.

With my setup the door to the room won't shut properly because of the rope going over the door but I won't be instantly visible. I was thinking that I could put a chair in the hallway with a warning sign.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I forgot I'd read before about the situation with her, and that you're not close. It's probably good that you don't get any closer, since you recognize her fragility, and you've got your own stuff to deal with. I think it's good that you didn't share too much about yourself, it would just make things stickier if she's in any way needy and doesn't have good boundaries.

In a note, you could tell her what you said here, that you regret what you said when she disclosed, that you also were suicidal and didn't know how to respond, that you hope she doesn't take any of this on as you are two separate people who shared a living situation for a while.

I'm just curious, is it imperative that you ctb right away? Could you get her to move out, and then have the space to yourself until the rent is due, giving yourself a bit more cushion so you don't feel so rushed?

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

@GoodPersonEffed I pay rent monthly, even though she's at her parents' she is still contributing to the rent albeit at a reduced rate as she is not using the utilities. Her stuff is still here so I can't use her room so it's sort of a retainer that she's paying. If she moved out I wouldn't be able to cover the rent alone and that would leave debts to be sorted out. I suppose it could be an option but it would be more complicated for my next of kin.

I'd have to give her 1 month's notice, I know I've been putting off cbt but that feels like a long time. Plus I'd have to live with her for that time and I don't know how I would cope with that. I was struggling with her being here before, a week after she moved in I started struggling with it. She didn't invade my space but I was uncomfortable with her being here. She'd get back from work at about 6pm and from about 4pm my heart would start pounding because I knew she'd be back.

It's not her though, I get anxious when I hear my neighbours going in and out of the flats. It's ridiculous. I know I'm better off dead, I just need my SI to realise it too

It's the perfect time of day to ctb but once again I want to go to sleep. But I also don't want to go to sleep because then I'd have to wake up. Why is everything so hard, living is hard, dying is hard so why should death itself be any easier?