Venting Steff1337's thread for venting and random thoughts

[Steff1337]

The title says it. I'll start off with this song:

 

[Steff1337]

Now continuing with something I can hardly relate to, but it's a nice song:

 

[Steff1337]

Fuck. Accidentally overdosed on codeine, plus caffeine. Felling very anxious atm. Whatever, it'll probably wear off in the next few hours.
Edit: Now so nauseous, I feel like I'm almost gonna throw up. Will take meds for that.

 

[Steff1337]

Day so far: Woke up late at night from a nightmare, got physically unwell in the morning, laid down and fell asleep, woke up from yet another nightmare half an hour ago.
All in all, a really awful day, when you include the usual mental suffering. On the "bright side", found a potential SN, easily acquirable source in my country.

 

[Steff1337]

Continuing with one of my favourite Metallica songs to make things a little bit better:

 

[Steff1337]

This isn't quite my situation (I do suffer from very severe OCD), but I just want to show people how bad things can get:

 

[Mojo's mama]

I enjoyed seeing the song you post. I like delving into song that people resonate with to understand them better. I try to use songs to convey to people some of the thoughts in my head/how I'm feeling. Thanks for sharing.
Hope to see some more music shares

 

[Steff1337]

Here's one song which I like, although it doesn't have much to do with suicide:



This one's for @Mojo's mama

 

[Steff1337]

So yesterday was a really awful day. I was both mentally and physically unwell, and slept through most of the day.
I don't have the symptoms of the physical issues that I had yesterday anymore, and am mentally in a bit better state, so hoping this day will be somewhat better.

 

[sugarb]

So yesterday was a really awful day. I was both mentally and physically unwell, and slept through most of the day.
I don't have the symptoms of the physical issues that I had yesterday anymore, and am mentally in a bit better state, so hoping this day will be somewhat better.

:( I'm sorry to hear that, dude. I'm glad you at least feel a bit better physically and hope the trend continues
that beatles song was hard by the way, thank you for posting it

 

[Steff1337]

"Look on the bright side is suicide. Lost eyesight I'm on your side."

 

[Steff1337]

What can I expect from continuing to live? Just getting into a worse and worse condition, with all the people who care for me passing away, and me ending in the hands of the state and psychiatry for the rest of my life. Of course that I must not allow to happen so death is to me the only thing that's left. I mean, it's something that is literally forced upon me if I don't want to go thru a couple more decades of unimaginable pain.

 

[Steff1337]

I thought I've found a reliable SN source in my country, but that is not the case. Now found a potential source in a few other European countries (got everything else for the method).
When it comes to how I'm doing, unfortunately I'm in one of the worst situations in my life (that's why I need a quick exit). Blood, sweat and tears every day, to say it metaphorically.

 

[Mojo's mama]

What can I expect from continuing to live? Just getting into a worse and worse condition, with all the people who care for me passing away, and me ending in the hands of the state and psychiatry for the rest of my life. Of course that I must not allow to happen so death is to me the only thing that's left. I mean, it's something that is literally forced upon me if I don't want to go thru a couple more decades of unimaginable pain.

You know... that does sound f-ing rough. I can empathize with why you feel the way you do. I came to this site to hear people out and not encourage them to choose (life or death)
But I will be watching for more posts/songs if you do stick around

 

[Steff1337]

"Things have never been so swell, I have never failed to feel pain."

 

[Steff1337]

I have 0 dollars, euros or whatever. It's a huge struggle having to wait for possibly a couple more months, before I get the money to buy even something as cheap as SN.
Also, of course, there's uncertainty if the SN source is reliable. I've found multiple possible sources in Europe, but it's difficult to know for sure that they're legitimate.
Part of the money is supposed to come from my father, and the other part from the accumulated amount of welfare since I've applied sometime last year, but will just start receiving it.
The only method that I have now, and have had for years is very unreliable, painful, and I really wouldn't prefer being forced to attempt to go that way.

PS: SN would at least mean that I have a fairly reliable and painless method for when I'm ready to go, and I would feel more peaceful.

 

[Steff1337]

"Darkness imprisoning me, all that I see, absolute horror, I cannot live, I cannot die, trapped in myself, body my holding cell."

 

[Steff1337]

How am I doing? Bad as always, lately. Anxious, depressed, tired from all the meds I'm taking. Horrible pain and suffering. Honestly, my whole life's been bad, but the last 13 years have been hardly bearable. Do I plan to CTB soon? Yes, hopefully sometime in the next couple of months. How to CTB? SN or N. The problem there is that N is apparently not available to buy online. I see people having to travel to South America to get it. It's even difficult to find a legitimate SN source for the country in which I live. It's painful to not have a relatively painless method for when I'm ready to go. If it's not against the rules, please feel free to PM me about SN sources. Even about other relatively painless methods. Ffs, I just want to die as peacefully as possible, and not having to resort to highly painful and unreliable methods.

 

[Steff1337]

 

[Steff1337]

For the lack of a more painless and effective method, I'll go thru with the one that I have for years.
5g clozapine + as strong as possible painkillers + an antacid + an antiemetic. That's all I can think of right now.

 

[sugarb]

For the lack of a more painless and effective method, I'll go thru with the one that I have for years.
5g clozapine + as strong as possible painkillers + an antacid + an antiemetic. That's all I can think of right now.

Be careful. and good luck

 

[Steff1337]

Still a possibility of getting SN... But I have a question for @FuneralCry.
If you feel comfortable sharing, what mental and/or physical ailments do you have, and why do you wish that you want to die and that you should not have ever existed in the first place?

 

[Steff1337]

 

[Steff1337]

I would say a balanced view on whether people with mental illness should have the right to be euthanised:

 

[Steff1337]

An example of a simple schizophrenia hospitalised patient (1950's interview for educational purposes):

 

[Steff1337]

A video from around 1960's showing severely catatonic schizophrenics:

 

[Steff1337]

I would highly appreciate it if you would take the time to watch the non-music videos I've posted. I believe it would give you more insight about what I'm dealing with.

 

[Steff1337]

Thank you to all the people who take their time to go thru this thread of mine. Your comments and reactions are highly appreciated. <3



Sorry, you have to be logged on to YouTube to watch this.

 

[Steff1337]

Blue Orchestra - I'm leaving (Bosnian/Serbian song):

 

[Steff1337]

I would like to use this thread to apologise for possibly shitty posts. Many times when I'm on this forum I'm either relatively high, tired or simply generally unwell, such as now while I'm writing this. I feel like my post count for those reasons should be much lower for the sake of quality and I think that I didn't deserve such a high reaction count. I'm sorry.
"I'm leaving, I'm leaving, from this planet I travel. I travel, I travel, the Moon I look forward to."