I'm 40. I'm disabled and my condition is only likely to get worse as I age. Already, the things that make life feel like it is worth living are pretty much entirely dependent on there being another person to help me do them. I can't go out for a day alone as I get too exhausted. I have no one to push a wheelchair for me and am not in a position to be able to have a powered chair as I live in a 2nd floor flat and have no lift. That alone is a big problem, trapping in my flat often for days at a time without seeing any other human being. Somtimes a week can go by and I haven't even gone outside my own front door.
I can't eat properly any more. I'm supposed to have a feeding tube as I've been dangerously underweight for nearly 5 years but the healthcare system here has, in spite of me fighting and fighting for help, basically just left me to wither away. Even if they gave me a tube tomorrow, it's been long enough now that I will have permanent damage from this. My joints dislocate and are weak, I have bone damage around the sockets of my hips because of this, probably also my shoulders too.
On a daily basis, I require so much medication in order to survive. Pills for pain. Pills for symptoms. Pills to counteract the side effects of some of the other pills. I've been on strong opiates for several years now, so will be addicted to those, and they aren't actually sufficient to fully releive the pain I experience. It's actually impossible for that to ever happen (I've been told this by a hospital consultant) - because of the effects pain meds have on your gastrointestinal tract, there is a limit to how much pain meds I can have otherwise I will then experience other pain/symptoms.
Recently, I've had episodes where my pain has been so bad that morphine hasn't even taken the edge off it. Pain that's made my whole body shake. So much pain that I've been balled on the floor, crying, trying not to scream, with nothing I can do about it. I can't go to hospital, because there's nothing they can do. My only option is to suffer through it at home.
So, this is the reality of my physical life. The emotional side of things is even more compicated still.
My father was an abusive sociopath. Physically and emotionally to my mother, "just" emotionally to me. Because of the way he treated me, I grew up believing there was something deficient or broken in me because he didn't love me the way I saw all other parents loving their children. I was an only child so there was no one to support me, and I was bullied at school so had no safe space anywhere. Unsurprisingly, I developed Borderline Personality Disorder. I think probably I was also depressed even before the age of 10. By that age I was already feeling worthless.
I was raped at 13. Not long after that was my first attempt. I told my mum and her response was "don't be stupid, you'd be dead by now if you'd done that". Great. So, I hid my worst mental health problems from her from then onwards, and still do to a large degree because she gets upset, and then makes me feel guilty for her being worried. I tried again around age 18-19, in my mid-20s, and have been actively thinking about it and fighting it for a decade or so now.
I got married at age 30. Looking back, I knew I shouldn't have married them really, but I was so scared I'd be alone forever if I didn't, that no one else would ever want me that much. So, I got married to someone who turned out to be an emotionally abusive sociopath. That all ended several years later and it wasn't until quite some time after it ended that I was finally able to see just how much abuse I'd been put through.
I was terrified to ever go through that much pain again. I thought I'd never, ever, find anyone worth the risk of it. And then I did. I then met my absolute true love. We were almost perfect together, except for two things - how we both felt about marriage and cohabitation. Suddenly, four and a bit amazing years in, he suddenly ends things. In large part, because of the things my BPD has made me do, because of how much I thought I wanted marriage - but of course, giving up something you HAVE, that's good, for something you want but might never get is daft. He wouldn't believe that I could do it though.
Since all that happened, I came to realise just how much of my life needs someone else's help. Not just for big things like going to a festival or a concert, but even small things like making up my medication for the month, cleaning my home or washing my hair. I can't work and am reliant on state benefits. They're small anyway and our energy bills are now skyrocketing so there's even less money spare so I can't afford a cleaner or a personal assistant. I don't get as much disability benefit as I maybe could be getting, but appealing it means you risk them taking the whole lot away and I can't afford to lose the bit that I do already get.
I'm lucky to have a home that's secure, but it's on a second floor and quite small, so I feel like I'm in solitary confinement a lot of the time now. When I was working, it would have been a big enough space, but since not being able to work, it's definitely too small. And because I can't work, I can't get a mortgage, which means I can't move to a better home.
I'm so alone now. My biggest fear in life is being alone. Not just single, but alone. I have one friend I see maybe once or twice a week, but that's it (in spite of trying to arrange things with other people). That's a lot to put on one person, and of course he can't be there 100% of the time I need him as he has his own life.
The kind of lift I always dreamt of having is something that I now cannot ever have - my dream life would have been to have a cosy little house somewhere in the countryside, where it's green and open. With a good sized garden so I could grow some of my own food. Ideally with another human to love and share it with, but no matter what, with a dog and a cat or two for companions as well. But realistically, my physical condition isn't one where I could do that now, and likely won't ever be in the future. If you imagine an over-stretched rubber band, that's what all the tissues in my body are like. They're weak and break easily. Even if I woke up a health weight tomorrow, I still likely wouldn't be able to have the strength or "spoons" to make a life like that possible.
Currently, things are sufficiently bad that I'm struggling to do any of the few things I enjoy such as crocheting or colouring because even they cause me pain after a few minutes. All I can do is sit/lay around and watch telly all day, like a zombie. I feel like I'm just existing, not truly LIVING.
So I approached a couple of the organisations who assist people with euthanasia. I'm only at the point where I've got an application form from them, but as soon as I got them, it already felt like a weight had been lifted. It's strange to think that this might have been my last ever Christmas. It's a shame it was such a shit one (being dumped by SMS three days before, so then left home alone!), but the one before was pretty good, and I'll be with friends at NY at least.
I've actually already told two or three friends about this plan. I was really amazed at how chill their reactions were, it was great. They were really supportive. My only real fear now is telling my parents. The only family I have left in the whole world is my mum and step-dad, who are in their 60s now. My mum has always been very protective of me so I'm expecting her to be extremely upset by this, try and talk me out of it, maybe inadvertantly make me feel guilty for 'doing it to her' or something like that. But it's my body and my life, and I don't want to scrape by for another ten years where I just exist. I feel like I've done a lot of living for the time I've already lived. I've travelled to a lot of places and done a lot of fun and frankly stupid things! I feel like it's enough. I'd rather stop when I can do so with some dignity, rather than force myself to go on for another ten years but end when I'm crumbled.
The one thing that's a bit sad is that I will probably have to go alone to Switzerland, as the law currently means that if you travel with a person who is going to this service, you could (theoretically) be prosecuted for assisting their suicide. I think the reality is that this has never actually happened, but it's such a massive risk to take and I don't know if it's fair to ask any of my friends to put themselves in that kind of position for me.
Sorry this is so long, and if you've read this far, thank you. There aren't many people I can talk to about this yet, so it's really good to be able to do so here.
I can't eat properly any more. I'm supposed to have a feeding tube as I've been dangerously underweight for nearly 5 years but the healthcare system here has, in spite of me fighting and fighting for help, basically just left me to wither away. Even if they gave me a tube tomorrow, it's been long enough now that I will have permanent damage from this. My joints dislocate and are weak, I have bone damage around the sockets of my hips because of this, probably also my shoulders too.
On a daily basis, I require so much medication in order to survive. Pills for pain. Pills for symptoms. Pills to counteract the side effects of some of the other pills. I've been on strong opiates for several years now, so will be addicted to those, and they aren't actually sufficient to fully releive the pain I experience. It's actually impossible for that to ever happen (I've been told this by a hospital consultant) - because of the effects pain meds have on your gastrointestinal tract, there is a limit to how much pain meds I can have otherwise I will then experience other pain/symptoms.
Recently, I've had episodes where my pain has been so bad that morphine hasn't even taken the edge off it. Pain that's made my whole body shake. So much pain that I've been balled on the floor, crying, trying not to scream, with nothing I can do about it. I can't go to hospital, because there's nothing they can do. My only option is to suffer through it at home.
So, this is the reality of my physical life. The emotional side of things is even more compicated still.
My father was an abusive sociopath. Physically and emotionally to my mother, "just" emotionally to me. Because of the way he treated me, I grew up believing there was something deficient or broken in me because he didn't love me the way I saw all other parents loving their children. I was an only child so there was no one to support me, and I was bullied at school so had no safe space anywhere. Unsurprisingly, I developed Borderline Personality Disorder. I think probably I was also depressed even before the age of 10. By that age I was already feeling worthless.
I was raped at 13. Not long after that was my first attempt. I told my mum and her response was "don't be stupid, you'd be dead by now if you'd done that". Great. So, I hid my worst mental health problems from her from then onwards, and still do to a large degree because she gets upset, and then makes me feel guilty for her being worried. I tried again around age 18-19, in my mid-20s, and have been actively thinking about it and fighting it for a decade or so now.
I got married at age 30. Looking back, I knew I shouldn't have married them really, but I was so scared I'd be alone forever if I didn't, that no one else would ever want me that much. So, I got married to someone who turned out to be an emotionally abusive sociopath. That all ended several years later and it wasn't until quite some time after it ended that I was finally able to see just how much abuse I'd been put through.
I was terrified to ever go through that much pain again. I thought I'd never, ever, find anyone worth the risk of it. And then I did. I then met my absolute true love. We were almost perfect together, except for two things - how we both felt about marriage and cohabitation. Suddenly, four and a bit amazing years in, he suddenly ends things. In large part, because of the things my BPD has made me do, because of how much I thought I wanted marriage - but of course, giving up something you HAVE, that's good, for something you want but might never get is daft. He wouldn't believe that I could do it though.
Since all that happened, I came to realise just how much of my life needs someone else's help. Not just for big things like going to a festival or a concert, but even small things like making up my medication for the month, cleaning my home or washing my hair. I can't work and am reliant on state benefits. They're small anyway and our energy bills are now skyrocketing so there's even less money spare so I can't afford a cleaner or a personal assistant. I don't get as much disability benefit as I maybe could be getting, but appealing it means you risk them taking the whole lot away and I can't afford to lose the bit that I do already get.
I'm lucky to have a home that's secure, but it's on a second floor and quite small, so I feel like I'm in solitary confinement a lot of the time now. When I was working, it would have been a big enough space, but since not being able to work, it's definitely too small. And because I can't work, I can't get a mortgage, which means I can't move to a better home.
I'm so alone now. My biggest fear in life is being alone. Not just single, but alone. I have one friend I see maybe once or twice a week, but that's it (in spite of trying to arrange things with other people). That's a lot to put on one person, and of course he can't be there 100% of the time I need him as he has his own life.
The kind of lift I always dreamt of having is something that I now cannot ever have - my dream life would have been to have a cosy little house somewhere in the countryside, where it's green and open. With a good sized garden so I could grow some of my own food. Ideally with another human to love and share it with, but no matter what, with a dog and a cat or two for companions as well. But realistically, my physical condition isn't one where I could do that now, and likely won't ever be in the future. If you imagine an over-stretched rubber band, that's what all the tissues in my body are like. They're weak and break easily. Even if I woke up a health weight tomorrow, I still likely wouldn't be able to have the strength or "spoons" to make a life like that possible.
Currently, things are sufficiently bad that I'm struggling to do any of the few things I enjoy such as crocheting or colouring because even they cause me pain after a few minutes. All I can do is sit/lay around and watch telly all day, like a zombie. I feel like I'm just existing, not truly LIVING.
So I approached a couple of the organisations who assist people with euthanasia. I'm only at the point where I've got an application form from them, but as soon as I got them, it already felt like a weight had been lifted. It's strange to think that this might have been my last ever Christmas. It's a shame it was such a shit one (being dumped by SMS three days before, so then left home alone!), but the one before was pretty good, and I'll be with friends at NY at least.
I've actually already told two or three friends about this plan. I was really amazed at how chill their reactions were, it was great. They were really supportive. My only real fear now is telling my parents. The only family I have left in the whole world is my mum and step-dad, who are in their 60s now. My mum has always been very protective of me so I'm expecting her to be extremely upset by this, try and talk me out of it, maybe inadvertantly make me feel guilty for 'doing it to her' or something like that. But it's my body and my life, and I don't want to scrape by for another ten years where I just exist. I feel like I've done a lot of living for the time I've already lived. I've travelled to a lot of places and done a lot of fun and frankly stupid things! I feel like it's enough. I'd rather stop when I can do so with some dignity, rather than force myself to go on for another ten years but end when I'm crumbled.
The one thing that's a bit sad is that I will probably have to go alone to Switzerland, as the law currently means that if you travel with a person who is going to this service, you could (theoretically) be prosecuted for assisting their suicide. I think the reality is that this has never actually happened, but it's such a massive risk to take and I don't know if it's fair to ask any of my friends to put themselves in that kind of position for me.
Sorry this is so long, and if you've read this far, thank you. There aren't many people I can talk to about this yet, so it's really good to be able to do so here.
