I'm literally on so many antidepressants it's insane and I still feel so lonely. Does being tired make me hysterical, or are they emotions I feel anyway just brought into painful focus by the quiet of the night?
Seeing freshers makes me nostalgic for that naive kind of wonder and hope where everyone is open to everyone and they're all in it together. Something as stupid as the smell of the newly installed bedding reminds me of my first few days here. I am happy for them of course and I mentor a couple of them but it's still painful. I suppose it's because that week was the only time I ever really felt like things might actually be ok for me, that I might actually be able to be a part of something. I knew in my head it was too good to be true but I could at least hope right.
It's in the intensity of this loneliness now that I recognize I always have that feeling lurking inside of me 24 hours a day. I do lots of things to run from it and escape but I know it will always be a part of me. I just feel why go on? Why keep working when I have none of the clay that others intricately sculpt into their lives? I don't even have the raw materials required to form anything resembling a life worth living and that's why I always run to escapism in study but I know it will never placate me because study is not intimacy and isn't made to soothe emotions.
I really didn't think I would get this upset over this only 1 day back. I'm supposed to have a meeting tomorrow with my tutor and i'm breaking down crying and having a panic attack.
For me, I think all suicide is about a sense of inevitability. That things are destined to be the way they are now, or are destined to deteriorate, A feeling of being closed in and having no escape. I've had enough experience to know that i'm fundamentally unsuited to be around others. Even those I do get on with are never able to give me what I need. If all we have in our lives is our emotions and everything else is just a societal construct, why shouldn't chronic and persistent negative feelings be enough justification to end it?
Seeing freshers makes me nostalgic for that naive kind of wonder and hope where everyone is open to everyone and they're all in it together. Something as stupid as the smell of the newly installed bedding reminds me of my first few days here. I am happy for them of course and I mentor a couple of them but it's still painful. I suppose it's because that week was the only time I ever really felt like things might actually be ok for me, that I might actually be able to be a part of something. I knew in my head it was too good to be true but I could at least hope right.
It's in the intensity of this loneliness now that I recognize I always have that feeling lurking inside of me 24 hours a day. I do lots of things to run from it and escape but I know it will always be a part of me. I just feel why go on? Why keep working when I have none of the clay that others intricately sculpt into their lives? I don't even have the raw materials required to form anything resembling a life worth living and that's why I always run to escapism in study but I know it will never placate me because study is not intimacy and isn't made to soothe emotions.
I really didn't think I would get this upset over this only 1 day back. I'm supposed to have a meeting tomorrow with my tutor and i'm breaking down crying and having a panic attack.
For me, I think all suicide is about a sense of inevitability. That things are destined to be the way they are now, or are destined to deteriorate, A feeling of being closed in and having no escape. I've had enough experience to know that i'm fundamentally unsuited to be around others. Even those I do get on with are never able to give me what I need. If all we have in our lives is our emotions and everything else is just a societal construct, why shouldn't chronic and persistent negative feelings be enough justification to end it?
