Venting started SH again after like 2 years/mindless vent

[Charlotte_blermf]

So as the title/thread (sorry idrk how this site works too well) I started to start self-harming myself again after like one or two years. I've never had an addiction, just for like 6 months I cut myself like every 2-4 weeks and I haven't done it in like 2 years. I still harmed myself in other manors, like rubbing my skin so much I bleed or biting my fingers till they bleed but they never felt like the real deal of destruction. It didn't even really hurt much for me, but I don't use a razor blade like a lot of people, just a kinda dull weird squiggly knife I stole from my kitchen, and I wash it before and after I'm done and I just stach it in my room so no one else uses it. I would just kinda do a saw motion into my arm for like 5-15 minutes just cutting into my arm, at first I did it easily but then I started going a bit deeper, but now I wanna see if trying my best to slash it will work better than sawing. I also just don't know why I really do it, I mean I tell myself I do it because I'm bored and when I did it last night (technically this morning because it was 2am) I was really frustrated and kinda having a shutdown or mild meltdown from homework I did NOT understand. I just don't really know why I do it, I'm just bored and like being self-destructive, I think I feel comfort in those acts. I'm not really doing this for attention because I already did it before and no one fucking noticed and I don't really feel pleasure out of it, just kinda numb during and after. It's kinda like what happens happens, I'm like that way aboout suicide most days. I've thought more about ways to kill myself recently, or ways I could finally get help because my fucking mom does nothing to help after asking if she can help me for like 3 years. Like I wanna get admitted into a psyche ward but I don't wanna be away from online communities I'm apart of or miss a Markiplier upload. I've been so depressed lately I see myself eating less than I usually do, like 1.5 meals a day when I usually eat 2, and I mean I do wanna eat less, depression made me gain a lot of weight from stress eating/binge eating being my only coping mechanism when I was young. I would love to lose a few pounds from not eating, just kinda weird to start it. Now my main coping mechanism is listening to music at too high of a volume, and now some days my ears hurt all day because of how much I wear headphones. The song Lonely Religion by Syudou is fire btw if you're lonely -

 

[D1byRam3n]

In my case I finding my ears got bleeding from listening through earphones too much and with loud volume too! it gives me a lot trouble whenever I've held conversation with people in my family because I can't listening them properly lol