Start of recovery maybe?

[Squiddy]

I wonder if this is the start of potential recovery. Last night, I had taken my first dose of my newly increased stimulant. I was 95% sure it wouldn't work. I was wrong. I felt it kick in as I was driving. I became a better driver on my way to work. I was calm, patient and didn't constantly slam on my breaks not paying attention to the driver in front of me.

When I got to work, I felt ready to go and a bit motivated. It doesn't feel as overwhelming and time is going pretty fast. I'm actually making pretty decent progress. I'm not taking a ton of time to make decisions, I'm not in my head as much, my dissociation has improved a tad bit, I'm not zoning out constantly, I'm breaking down boxes and stocking a little faster and best of all, my ctb thoughts have decreased quite a bit. It went from being about 85% of my thoughts to about 15%. Maybe it's also because my bitchy supervisor isn't here tonight, idk. It's a really weird feeling and almost kind of scary idk why.

I hope that I have more good nights like this. My memory is still pretty bad and I do still lose focus quite a bit, but an improvement from before

I was heavily thinking about making the end of July my ctb date when my mom said she was kicking me out, but that's canceled for now at least after this

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Hey, this is great news! I'm glad to hear the stimulant is helping you feel that much better. How is the housing situation though? Hopefully you found a good solution to that problem as well.

 

[Squiddy]

Hey, this is great news! I'm glad to hear the stimulant is helping you feel that much better. How is the housing situation though? Hopefully you found a good solution to that problem as well.

I'm still looking. I didn't get a follow up email from an apartment place that took my $40 after only viewing my application for like 5 minutes :(

 

[hush hush]

I'm still looking. I didn't get a follow up email from an apartment place that took my $40 after only viewing my application for like 5 minutes :(

Regardless of what happens, always keep your options open, you never know what shit life has for you. Societal and psychiatric methods of coercion seem to force you "recover" so that you can be functional according to their standards. What really matters is asking the philosophical question of Camus in the myth of Sisyphus, whether you find meaning and joy in your struggles, regardless of what mental health professionals or society say. The drugs can make you feel better, but they cannot answer the philosophical questions that need to be addressed so that you can have an authentic life or an authentic death based on what you believe.

 

[Spiritual survivor]

I wonder if this is the start of potential recovery. Last night, I had taken my first dose of my newly increased stimulant. I was 95% sure it wouldn't work. I was wrong. I felt it kick in as I was driving. I became a better driver on my way to work. I was calm, patient and didn't constantly slam on my breaks not paying attention to the driver in front of me.

When I got to work, I felt ready to go and a bit motivated. It doesn't feel as overwhelming and time is going pretty fast. I'm actually making pretty decent progress. I'm not taking a ton of time to make decisions, I'm not in my head as much, my dissociation has improved a tad bit, I'm not zoning out constantly, I'm breaking down boxes and stocking a little faster and best of all, my ctb thoughts have decreased quite a bit. It went from being about 85% of my thoughts to about 15%. Maybe it's also because my bitchy supervisor isn't here tonight, idk. It's a really weird feeling and almost kind of scary idk why.

I hope that I have more good nights like this. My memory is still pretty bad and I do still lose focus quite a bit, but an improvement from before

I was heavily thinking about making the end of July my ctb date when my mom said she was kicking me out, but that's canceled for now at least after this

That's wonderful, I was so worried about u. Stimulant meds are always great in the beginning but eventually they can have side effects and they don't work as well over time. But enjoy it while u are getting the benefit. Don't take more if u begin to build tolerance because the crash will be worse. Instead try to not take more than u absolutely need to. They make it harder to sleep and eat properly. This is why many pple eventually quit them. Good luck

 

[noname223]

I am so happy for you. I hope you will improve even further. I am rooting for @Squiddy
You deserve to feel better.

I wish you you only the best!

 

[toasterbath]

What stimulant? Maybe I need to get back on some. I used to use ritalin but I abused it a lot to study and it made me really aggressive and angry so I quit it.

 

[Squiddy]

Well yesterday was short lived. I took it again last night and nothing happened. It was like taking a sugar pill I haven't been very productive tonight. It was nice having a bit of a break from everything

That's wonderful, I was so worried about u. Stimulant meds are always great in the beginning but eventually they can have side effects and they don't work as well over time. But enjoy it while u are getting the benefit. Don't take more if u begin to build tolerance because the crash will be worse. Instead try to not take more than u absolutely need to. They make it harder to sleep and eat properly. This is why many pple eventually quit them. Good luck

Seems like I already built a tolerance or something because it doesn't work now

I am so happy for you. I hope you will improve even further. I am rooting for @Squiddy
You deserve to feel better.

I wish you you only the best!

Thanks, though it stopped working already :(

What stimulant? Maybe I need to get back on some. I used to use ritalin but I abused it a lot to study and it made me really aggressive and angry so I quit it.

Adderall XR. I was taking 20mg, but now it doesn't work and I'm back to feeling hopeless and wanting to ctb

 

[Well-Edited Chaos]

What a roller coaster! That's stressful.

But don't give up hope yet - I read a story about a woman who had a similar problem (meds worked well 1 day, no effect the next, sort of effective the day after that). After a while, she gave up on the meds, and sent an angry email to the pharmacy head office about their quality control. She was contacted later b/c they and the FDA (or DEA? or both?) were investigating the pharmacy for tampering. End result: a pharmacist and a pharmacy assistant were fired (and maybe charged), and the pharmacy was fined.

Hang in there!

 

[NSA]

Well yesterday was short lived. I took it again last night and nothing happened. It was like taking a sugar pill I haven't been very productive tonight. It was nice having a bit of a break from everything



Seems like I already built a tolerance or something because it doesn't work now


Thanks, though it stopped working already :(


Adderall XR. I was taking 20mg, but now it doesn't work and I'm back to feeling hopeless and wanting to ctb

This was my exact experience on adderall. Dont give up on it. The "high" is nice, but that's not what it's really for. Give it a week or a month and note if you improve overall for that amount of time. Also note any undesirable side effects. There are othe meds out there. You might need to try more than one.
Your dose could also be too low. I went from 10mg a day to 50mg per day over about 4 months before it stabilized.

Also, make note of the brand too. Despite propaganda saying "all generic brands are the same" or "generic is the same as name brand" they really aren't. Active ingredient can vary as much as 20%. That's significant, no matter what they try to tell you.

 

[Spiritual survivor]

Well yesterday was short lived. I took it again last night and nothing happened. It was like taking a sugar pill I haven't been very productive tonight. It was nice having a bit of a break from everything



Seems like I already built a tolerance or something because it doesn't work now


Thanks, though it stopped working already :(


Adderall XR. I was taking 20mg, but now it doesn't work and I'm back to feeling hopeless and wanting to ctb

I was on adderall for like 20 years and in my experience I didn't like time release adderall. I felt it was easier to deal with instant release in 20 mg. 30 mg was a bit too strong. There was a lot of unpleasant side effects and eventually I did quit. I couldn't sleep or eat right. It increased suicidal feelings because it depletes your brain chemicals. I hope u are aware adderall increases suicidality, maybe not in everyone but it's not uncommon. When I came off the drug I was less suicidal tho I still have suicidal ideation it's less intense off it. It was far worse on adderall.

 

[Squiddy]

This was my exact experience on adderall. Dont give up on it. The "high" is nice, but that's not what it's really for. Give it a week or a month and note if you improve overall for that amount of time. Also note any undesirable side effects. There are othe meds out there. You might need to try more than one.
Your dose could also be too low. I went from 10mg a day to 50mg per day over about 4 months before it stabilized.

Also, make note of the brand too. Despite propaganda saying "all generic brands are the same" or "generic is the same as name brand" they really aren't. Active ingredient can vary as much as 20%. That's significant, no matter what they try to tell you.

I wasn't looking for a high, just being able to focus, have a tad bit of motivation and be on top of things. Day 1, I was able to do all of that. I wasn't in my head as much and didn't take a long time to make a decision like every other night I've had. The pharmacy gave me brand name this time unlike last time where they gave me generic (that one didn't work)

I was on adderall for like 20 years and in my experience I didn't like time release adderall. I felt it was easier to deal with instant release in 20 mg. 30 mg was a bit too strong. There was a lot of unpleasant side effects and eventually I did quit. I couldn't sleep or eat right. It increased suicidal feelings because it depletes your brain chemicals. I hope u are aware adderall increases suicidality, maybe not in everyone but it's not uncommon. When I came off the drug I was less suicidal tho I still have suicidal ideation it's less intense off it. It was far worse on adderall.

Day one when I took it, my ctb thoughts actually went down because my ADHD was finally being managed and my ADHD was a big reason I wanted to ctb (though I have other reasons too). Day two, no symptoms were being managed and I started feeling hopeless and I think that's why the thoughts returned

 

[Well-Edited Chaos]

What a roller coaster! That's stressful.

But don't give up hope yet - I read a story about a woman who had a similar problem (meds worked well 1 day, no effect the next, sort of effective the day after that). After a while, she gave up on the meds, and sent an angry email to the pharmacy head office about their quality control. She was contacted later b/c they and the FDA (or DEA? or both?) were investigating the pharmacy for tampering. End result: a pharmacist and a pharmacy assistant were fired (and maybe charged), and the pharmacy was fined.

Hang in there!

Here's the story, if anyone is interested