Discussion SSA / DDS Pushing Me Hard to CTB

[Elegy]

I'm on SSDI for chronic mental health problems. And for the past 6 fuckin months, SSA has been trying hard to knock me off disability. Which for me is a literal death sentence. I got no savings, no assets, no car, no home, nowhere to turn, no friends or family to turn to, if the bottom falls out. I'm 58, not 15. I am unemployable.

If I lose my benefits, I am a dead man walking. Which is partly why I signed up on this site. I've been in emotional & physical agony for months, fighting the g'damn federal gov't. Alone. No doctor, no lawyer, no advocate in my corner. I am beyond my breaking point. And they will Not let up. They're pushing me off a damn cliff.

I tried to order sn last week. Because it's better than dying an old broke mentally ill man on the cold street. I've been homeless 5 times over the years, and I can't go through that nightmare again. I've been through hell and back in my life. Decades of poverty, hardships, trauma, suffering. This is maybe the end of the road. Right now there's an ax hanging over my head. My neck is on SSA's chopping block. And I'm sitting here alone in dumpy motel room drinking and thinking, how I woud like to go out. With what little dignity I got left.

 

[Bone]

why are they trying to kick you off????

 

[LittleJem]

I'm sorry. I'm not in your position, but I am also at the end of my rope. I'm sorry life has been so cruel to you and salute you for making it so far.

 

[Elegy]

why are they trying to kick you off????

Simple. To cut costs. If I am dead, either by my own hand, or if I die homeless on the bitter cold winter streets, (whichever comes first) the Gov won't have to spend more money to keep me alive. That is exactly their plan, and they may get their wish very soon. Before Christmas comes.

 

[littlelungs]

I am so beyond sorry for your situation. I've also been in the position of being faced with losing my disability payments and dealing with the ruthless healthcare and social systems that are supposedly there to "help" disabled and vulnerable people, and I can relate to the extreme stress and pure desperation that comes with the threat of having this support taken away. It's such a terrifying and hopeless feeling, not to mention degrading and exhausting, to have to constantly fight with the system and try to convince them that you're "worthy" of not starving or freezing to death in a cardboard box on the side of the road for reasons beyond your control.

The way disabled, ill or otherwise unemployable people are treated in society is an absolute disgrace, and it's a tragedy if someone is basically cornered and "forced" to kill themselves because they're not getting the basic support that they need in order to live. The system makes it both impossible to live and impossible to die; if they refuse to help provide the basic means to a sick/disabled person who cannot work and who needs this support in order to survive, then they should at least have the decency to give the individual the option to escape in a humane and dignified manner. There are no words to adequately describe just how sick and twisted this whole thing is.

From the bottom of my heart, I really, truly feel for you. I'm so sorry that it's all like this.

 

[Bone]

i should have been more specific-on what grounds? i'm applying for disability now......really sorry you're having to deal with this. america is the true shithole country

 

[Elegy]

i should have been more specific-on what grounds? i'm applying for disability now......really sorry you're having to deal with this. america is the true shithole country

Thanks, and I hope you win your disability claim T-Bone. As for me, I suppose the grounds for DDS terminating my benefits would probably be:
I've not been in treatment for 10 years. But not for lack of trying. I've been living out of a suitcase for the past 10 fucking years. Bouncing from state to state, place to place, just trying to keep a roof over my head, and unable to secure proper permanent housing, or get back into a regular treatment program.

I guess I'll find out very soon. When they make their final determination.about whether I am still disabled or not.
That's gonna come any day now.

I went through a bloody meat grinder for months, appealing my CDR (Continuing Disability Review) and benefits suspension, in April this year. And I hoped the nightmare was finally over. At least for the next couple years until my next CDR.
But they were not done with me.
I was called in for a CE (Consultative Exam)
I met with a Forensic Neuropsychologist.

I have no idea what she will say in her report. I can only say, that if the exam results point to me having Bipolar Schizoaffective disorder, that would be a pretty accurate diagnosis.

 

[Bone]

Bipolar 1 w Psychosis here. I'm scared shitless of the future, both near- and long-term. Well-done on making it this far with so much stacked against you. I was homeless for the first time earlier this year. Brutal shit. Hope your situation works out and they come to their senses. Thanks for the response.

 

[Elegy]

I am so beyond sorry for your situation. I've also been in the position of being faced with losing my disability payments and dealing with the ruthless healthcare and social systems that are supposedly there to "help" disabled and vulnerable people, and I can relate to the extreme stress and pure desperation that comes with the threat of having this support taken away. It's such a terrifying and hopeless feeling, not to mention degrading and exhausting, to have to constantly fight with the system and try to convince them that you're "worthy" of not starving or freezing to death in a cardboard box on the side of the road for reasons beyond your control.

The way disabled, ill or otherwise unemployable people are treated in society is an absolute disgrace, and it's a tragedy if someone is basically cornered and "forced" to kill themselves because they're not getting the basic support that they need in order to live. The system makes it both impossible to live and impossible to die; if they refuse to help provide the basic means to a sick/disabled person who cannot work and who needs this support in order to survive, then they should at least have the decency to give the individual the option to escape in a humane and dignified manner. There are no words to adequately describe just how sick and twisted this whole thing is.

From the bottom of my heart, I really, truly feel for you. I'm so sorry that it's all like this.

Thank you, littlelungs for understanding the massive stress I am under. I'd rather be dead than homeless again. For the 6th time. I lived 2 years straight, alone in the woods for fuck sake. Shouting at imaginary people, and I became convinced crows are demons, mocking me and my cruel fate, and, that a whip-poor-will was the devil incarnate. I chased that damn loud noisy bird with a spear through the woods all night. Trying to kill the whip-poor-will. If that ain't Bipolar Schizoaffective, I don't know what the hell is.

All of this and much more should be in my SSA file. Homeless multiple times. Psych ward. Straight jacket. Padded ER cells, handcuffed to hospital bed and shot up with tranqs. Jail over an over. Police wellness checks for self-harm incidents. But no. They don't seem to keep my history on file. All that matters to Gov is they cut costs, after Trillions $$$ were sent out in COVID relief funds and Unemployment Insurance, and.... wow the Fed is running short on cash, and nobody wanna go back to work, blah blah. Hey. Here's an idea how to cut costs. Push senior disabled people off a damn cliff!

Fine. Fuckin whatever. Push me off a cliff. I'm sick of this shithole. I got 1 foot in the grave already. All my friends died in their 40s and early 50s. Made my peace and I am almost ready to ride on out and join them. Maybe I just need a nudge.

Not sayin i'm giving up the ghost, just yet. I am a fighter if little else. Had to be to make it this far. But I'm worn down to the bone.

 

[littlelungs]

Thank you, littlelungs for understanding the massive stress I am under. I'd rather be dead than homeless again. For the 6th time. I lived 2 years straight, alone in the woods for fuck sake. Shouting at imaginary people, and I became convinced crows are demons, mocking me and my cruel fate, and, that a whip-poor-will was the devil incarnate. I chased that damn loud noisy bird with a spear through the woods all night. Trying to kill the whip-poor-will. If that ain't Bipolar Schizoaffective, I don't know what the hell is.

All of this and much more should be in my SSA file. Homeless multiple times. Psych ward. Straight jacket. Padded ER cells, handcuffed to hospital bed and shot up with tranqs. Jail over an over. Police wellness checks for self-harm incidents. But no. They don't seem to keep my history on file. All that matters to Gov is they cut costs, after Trillions $$$ were sent out in COVID relief funds and Unemployment Insurance, and.... wow the Fed is running short on cash, and nobody wanna go back to work, blah blah. Hey. Here's an idea how to cut costs. Push senior disabled people off a damn cliff!

Fine. Fuckin whatever. Push me off a cliff. I'm sick of this shithole. I got 1 foot in the grave already. All my friends died in their 40s and early 50s. Made my peace and I am almost ready to ride on out and join them. Maybe I just need a nudge.

Not sayin i'm giving up the ghost, just yet. I am a fighter if little else. Had to be to make it this far. But I'm worn down to the bone.

You definitely are a fighter. Homeless and living in the woods, my god. You've clearly already suffered more than enough at both the control and severe neglect of this society and its institutions, and that is absolutely shameful on their part. I'm so sorry.

The thing with the Covid relief funds and unemployment insurance really gets to me. Obviously I don't want ANYONE to suffer, this pandemic has clearly been rough on a lot of people (to put it mildly), and I think that everyone deserves to get help when they need it. With that disclaimer out of the way, what REALLY pisses me off is that we (disabled people) have to constantly fight with the system in order to access/receive the means that we need in order to survive, it's a total crapshoot as to whether or not we actually get it, and more often than not we're left even worse off than before – regardless of the outcome – because we were repeatedly and relentlessly trampled on, degraded and even traumatized during the process of trying to access this "help" that the system loves to dangle in front of our faces as a fucked up way to keep us from offing ourselves (because dead people can't pay taxes, obviously). It's a constant cycle of torture and degradation just to survive as a disabled person in this society, and when we do get the help, it's still barely enough to live off of, if at all.

And then the pandemic hit, and it quickly became VERY clear that our society does have the means to help and is fully capable of making accomodations for people – they just don't always want to, and it's such a middle finger to what we have to go through on a constant basis. The system doesn't give a fuck if someone is disabled and needs help, and the people in charge only care enough to make these accomodations once they themselves or their own loved ones are affected. This world has made it very clear that, if you're unemployable for reasons beyond your control, then you are automatically worth nothing and "deserve" to suffer for it. All I really have to say to all of that is, if I'm truly unwanted in a society, then I don't want to live in it.

I completely understand just being so DONE with everything. I'm "glad" you've been able to make peace with it, for your sake, but I'm so sorry that you're in a position where you've even had to do so – to make peace with dying due to years of extreme, gross mistreatment and neglect, and due to the state of the world we live in that's so unjust from the inside and out. You have my utmost empathy and I wish you the best, no matter what happens and what you decide for yourself. Sending you hugs from across the miles, for whatever it's worth.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are going through this, life is just so horrible. It sounds like you have been through a lot and of course you do not deserve this suffering. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[Elegy]

@littlelungs. You've framed the problem quite well, and thanks for being in my corner on this. I'm prepared to meet my maker, but, there is much more I'd like to say about SSA before my ticket gets punched.

I am drafting letters to congresspersons. LoL like that's gonna help my appeals case, or improve conditions, quality of life, for mentally / physically ill Americans, who are unable to work. No I'm quite sure it won't. But still, I would like my voice to be heard, before I am no longer able to speak.

My affluent elected officials, who summer in the Hamptons, and sail off on their yachts to Aruba, drinkin and doping it up at the casino... should LISTEN to me. About...

Budget Cuts. County MH clinics closing their doors for lack of funding. And if that wasn't bad enough. COVID Pandemic. More doors closed and, enter Telemedicine? Online therapy sessions? Thanks but I prefer to weep in person. Face to face. I want my doctor to taste the salt in my tears. So they know for damn sure... I am not "malingering". I'm the Real fuckin Deal.

Not that it matters much. I've been thought the Gov MH system for decades. And I never get better.
I've been in Jail psych ward section for months. I've been court ordered into Rehab, Dual Diagnosis programs, and, I never get better.

Be that as it may, I would like my story to be heard before I exit Planet Prison Colony. Incarceration Nation.
I have much to say about what is woefully Wrong, with the system. Because the people in charge, are out of touch with my world. An invisible world, out there in the darkness, obscurity, far beyond their gated golf/yacht/country club communities. With Security guard entry checkpoints.

2 years alone in the woods. That was harsh man. I should write a book about that. Short version? In summer, got eaten alive by mosquitoes, spiders, fire ants and... got butthurt real bad the night I parked my ass on a Home Depot bucket I was using for a shit pot. Yellow jacket wasps built a nest in the bucket, and I as I was taking a dump, I'm thinking wtf? Why does my ass feel like it is on fire?

I'm a bit tipsy and jesting about that now. But, I am dead serious when I say I will NOT go through that Hell again, just so SSA can cut costs. Make up for COVID relief spending losses. I'd rather be dead.

Everything I am saying here is 100% true. However incredible it may sound, in the world's wealthiest nation.
Cops bullied me constantly. To be fair, not ALL cops. There was that one cop who offered me 10 bucks out of his own paycheck. God bless that man. He had a heart.

People threw trash at me and called me a Bum. People took pics of me on their cell phones, to upload to facebook and say... Look everyone. at this POS. One night, somebody shot me in the head with a paintball gun. Drive by shooting of homeless dude. I suppose I should be thankful, it was only a paintball?

Winter in the woods.. Brutal. But I think the worst part of it all, was Christmas time. I'd be alone in the cold dark woods, looking at all the lovely homes across the water.. and thinking... inside those warm cozy homes are families. People laughing, loving, and celebrating. I could see them through the frosty glass windows. But I don't belong in any of those homes. Those are not my homes or families.

And that's what gets to you most. You're a dark stranger, an outcast, a crazy person, locked outside in the cold.
Homelessness is physical agony. Bitter cold winters. Scorching sweltering summer heat. And everything in the jungle wants to eat you alive. But what probably breaks most homeless people, is the psychological, emotional aspect. You got no people. You got no family. No Tribe. No community. Which is what best gives people strength to carry on.

I toughed that out. But I'm not a strong young man anymore. Can not, Will not, do that again.
which is why, I placed an order for sn.

*edited for poor grammar