Spoke to the GP who will prescribe antidepressants.
I have never taken them reliably before. Unfortunately they won't make me straight, I'll still be a gay woman in a straight marriage enduring straight sex with a man who I'm not attracted to.
Is it worth a go? In my head now I have a date in June and every time I feel like I can't breathe because I'm so distressed or anxious - which is multiple times a day - I remind myself I've only got to withstand it for another 15 or so weeks. And then I feel slightly better.
I have brief moments of 'happy.' Took my daughter to a concert last night and fleetingly thought I'm glad I'm here.
But the majority of the time all that is in my head is dying. It's loud and it won't go away.
I want to die. I know it's going to devastate my kids and I don't care. I just want to die. I don't want to see them grow up, have their own lives, careers, kids, whatever because the overwhelming feeling is that I need this to stop.
I know that makes me deeply selfish. I've withstood it for six years and I feel like I've just got more and more worn down and now there is no other way out. Everyone says wait until my kids are adults - another 10 years and I'll be 50 - and then leave their dad.
Ten years. 50. I cannot withstand another ten years.
so I can take the antidepressants but it won't make me different so I cannot see the point.
I have never taken them reliably before. Unfortunately they won't make me straight, I'll still be a gay woman in a straight marriage enduring straight sex with a man who I'm not attracted to.
Is it worth a go? In my head now I have a date in June and every time I feel like I can't breathe because I'm so distressed or anxious - which is multiple times a day - I remind myself I've only got to withstand it for another 15 or so weeks. And then I feel slightly better.
I have brief moments of 'happy.' Took my daughter to a concert last night and fleetingly thought I'm glad I'm here.
But the majority of the time all that is in my head is dying. It's loud and it won't go away.
I want to die. I know it's going to devastate my kids and I don't care. I just want to die. I don't want to see them grow up, have their own lives, careers, kids, whatever because the overwhelming feeling is that I need this to stop.
I know that makes me deeply selfish. I've withstood it for six years and I feel like I've just got more and more worn down and now there is no other way out. Everyone says wait until my kids are adults - another 10 years and I'll be 50 - and then leave their dad.
Ten years. 50. I cannot withstand another ten years.
so I can take the antidepressants but it won't make me different so I cannot see the point.
