Venting Spinster

[GiveUp]

I'm a single and childless 35 year old woman who wanted to have a family. I've given up hoping and have been struggling to deal with a breakup a year ago. I'm not optimistic about the future but I can see a way out. I get so much shit for having wanted a family because its against feminism and bla bla bla. I'm afraid the time is over for me to have that now.
Anyone else given up?

 

[Dreamless Sleep]

As a 50 yo woman, I feel like 35 is still young. Plenty of time left to meet someone and have a family if that is truly what your heart desires.

You could walk out your door and meet someone tomorrow? The universe works in mysterious ways... and families come in many configurations.

 

[GiveUp]

As a 50 yo woman, I feel like 35 is still young. Plenty of time left to meet someone and have a family if that is truly what your heart desires.

You could walk out your door and meet someone tomorrow? The universe works in mysterious ways... and families come in many configurations.

Thank you @Dreamless Sleep
But I look a mess lately from depression, have got too much baggage now and my period cycle is all over the place the last few months

 

[Smudgedlines]

I'm a single and childless 35 year old woman who wanted to have a family. I've given up hoping and have been struggling to deal with a breakup a year ago. I'm not optimistic about the future but I can see a way out. I get so much shit for having wanted a family because its against feminism and bla bla bla. I'm afraid the time is over for me to have that now.
Anyone else given up?

My hormones have made me feel horrifically low. When two of my friends recently hanged themselves I very nearly followed.

you need to do what's right for you but maybe you could consider fostering, adopting...speaking to the dr and having a blood test might also help.

 

[mesohappy]

Who gives you so much shit for having wanted a family, its against feminism,bla,bla bla? Fuck'em..Its your life..And 35 does not mean you are an "old spinster" yet

By the way,the two most loving,kindest,beautiful women I know,are women in their 60's now,who never had a family.

And I don't like many people.

 

[GiveUp]

My hormones have made me feel horrifically low. When two of my friends recently hanged themselves I very nearly followed.

you need to do what's right for you but maybe you could consider fostering, adopting...speaking to the dr and having a blood test might also help.

Aww I'm sorry to read that you lost two friends. How have you been doing?

 

[HadEnough1974]

I'm a single and childless 35 year old woman who wanted to have a family. I've given up hoping and have been struggling to deal with a breakup a year ago. I'm not optimistic about the future but I can see a way out. I get so much shit for having wanted a family because its against feminism and bla bla bla. I'm afraid the time is over for me to have that now.
Anyone else given up?

Perhaps being single and childless is better than being in a loveless abusive relationship?

Now imagine being in a loveless abusive relationship with children.

Love yourself first (don't ask me how though because I don't know, hey I'm being honest).

The divorce rate is very high, for a reason.

 

[waterbottleman]

I'm a single and childless 35 year old woman who wanted to have a family. I've given up hoping and have been struggling to deal with a breakup a year ago. I'm not optimistic about the future but I can see a way out. I get so much shit for having wanted a family because its against feminism and bla bla bla. I'm afraid the time is over for me to have that now.
Anyone else given up?

35 is still young enough to find a husband and start a family.

Also the people saying wanting a family is "against feminism" are idiots and should be ignored. Feminism is just about understanding that women are individuals just like men and thereby there are differences with each individual woman. Women should choose what is right for them as an individual, not what is right to society, or to traditionalism, or to radical ideologues who have a false understanding of Feminism.

Also I'm not a doctor so maybe I'm wrong, but I think people exaggerate the health complications that come with women having children as they get older. A ton of women have children into their thirties, the chances of problems between having kids in your twenties/thirties is minor to my knowledge. It's when women get into their forties that the risks become much greater to my knowledge.

In other words the growth in risk is nonlinear but really starts to become important when you get past 40.

 

[GiveUp]

Who gives you so much shit for having wanted a family, its against feminism,bla,bla bla? Fuck'em..Its your life..And 35 does not mean you are an "old spinster" yet

By the way,the two most loving,kindest,beautiful women I know,are women in their 60's now,who never had a family.

And I don't like many people.

Christine Chubbuck, who I even bear resemblance to, had the same feelings about life.
I've become somewhat reclusive and cut back my work hours because of depression. I just cant be bothered with it all. I'm indifferent to everything now. We live and we die. Some people enjoy life because they got what they wanted, others not. That's how it is.

 

[HadEnough1974]

Christine Chubbuck, who I even bear resemblance to, had the same feelings about life.
I've become somewhat reclusive and cut back my work hours because of depression. I just cant be bothered with it all. I'm indifferent to everything now. We live and we die. Some people enjoy life because they got what they wanted, others not. That's how it is.

Please see link below...does this apply to you?

Anhedonia - Wikipedia

en.m.wikipedia.org

 

[GiveUp]

Please see link below...does this apply to you?

Anhedonia - Wikipedia

en.m.wikipedia.org

Yes! I'm already aware of that word.

 

[Oyoy]

Yes! I'm already aware of that word.

Having a young mother is bs in lots of ways. Would you ever adopt.?

 

[GiveUp]

Having a young mother is bs in slot of ways. Would you ever adopt.?

I thought about it and honestly, I'd like to have my own biologically and not be a single parent. I'd like to be part of a family unit. That was my dream.

 

[TooLate2582]

Tons of trad guys out there looking for the same. If it's really what you want, head to there they are.

 

[GiveUp]

Tons of trad guys out there looking for the same. If it's really what you want, head to there they are.

Tried it, didn't work. Trad on the surface.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I get so much shit for having wanted a family because its against feminism and bla bla bla.

Someone will always give shit. It's what people do. I've said since my early 20s I didn't want children, and lots of people throughout the years said there was time to change my mind, or I was selfish, or bla bla bla. It was so nice for that shit to stop in my 40s. Folks don't like it when someone else does something with their own damn life that they don't agree with, they want everyone else to own and embody their opinions and beliefs, it's the way of the world. I myself used to be quite pro-life, and there are several words I now wish I could take back and replace with compassionate responses. Perhaps one day those who negated you and your choices will recognize their ignorance and regret how they spoke to you. As @waterbottleman said, that's not feminism. Feminism at its most fundamental is about a woman's right to choose. What those folks were spouting is, I believe, called shittyism in both medicine and the higher academic circles of philosophy. It's a viral epidemic that masquerades as belief systems and is no respecter of gender, class, or status with regard to who it infects and expresses itself through. I'm pretty sure anthropologists have uncovered expressions of shittyism in ancient cave paintings and Egyptian hieroglyphs, but as with ctb methods, please do the research for yourself and don't just take my word for it.

That said, I acknowledge and have compassion for all your disappointment and suffering.

 

[GiveUp]

I'm so fed up of hearing that its not ok to want that. I was single for a long time, went travelling alone, had an active social life, worked hard, then after many years finally meet someone who was too good to be true so now I dont trust my instincts. Now I work a lot less, stay in bed, dont do anything, dont like going out. I see so many couples together where one partner is cheating or one needed to get married to someone for the money or whatever and it's just not fair that I'm alone. Yes logically I know those relationships are shit but they wont die alone. They come home and someone is there. I'm so fed up of being alone. I wake up every day and wonder if this is it and I dont want the future to come. I'm so fed up of hearing that it's wrong to want a partner. Then my brain is wrong! I have borderline personality disorder which doesnt help and taking anti depressants. Cant afford therapy anymore because I dont work full time anymore. Was looking for a new job but failed interviews. U know when you just dont understand why you cant have a happily ever after? I feel like I'm a spectator to everyone else's happiness. I'm so fed up and want out. I dont get the point of it all. It's all been for nothing.

 

[LittleJem]

I'm a single and childless 35 year old woman who wanted to have a family. I've given up hoping and have been struggling to deal with a breakup a year ago. I'm not optimistic about the future but I can see a way out. I get so much shit for having wanted a family because its against feminism and bla bla bla. I'm afraid the time is over for me to have that now.
Anyone else given up?

35 is pretty young. If you really want kids and you don't know if you're going to meet the right person, I think co-parenting is an excellent option. If I was sane, I would co-parent with a gay couple. They would have the baby and I would baby sit and do occasional weekends. I'm not cut out to be a full time mum, but I would love to be a co-parent. But you can co-parent in any way you want to. There is a website called Pollen Tree and there are other websites too.

As a proud feminist, I endorse and love the fact that I know women who have babies alone if they do not find the right partner. It isn't easy, but they really wanted to be mothers. Again, if I was sane enough, I would do the same thing.

PS I do sometimes feel grief and loss that I won't be a mother. My dream was to get well, save my marriage, have kids. Now I'm separated pending divorce and will not have kids. I do have grief. But I chose not to have them because of my mental health and the state of my relationship.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I really feel this. I have given up myself on finding anyone because I just get used and abused in relationships or people never commit. Life has taught me I can't trust anyone. I also used to have a dream of having a family but I gave up on that as well. Sending you hugs.

 

[fightingsioux]

I'm a single and childless 35 year old woman who wanted to have a family. I've given up hoping and have been struggling to deal with a breakup a year ago. I'm not optimistic about the future but I can see a way out. I get so much shit for having wanted a family because its against feminism and bla bla bla. I'm afraid the time is over for me to have that now.
Anyone else given up?

There's an old Japanese saying, "Keep a green tree in your heart and perhaps the singing bird will come."

 

[GiveUp]

I've become an awful combination of bitter and desperate. I've become afraid of meeting new people because I'm sure they'll sense I'm incapable of a normal relationship and cant work much anymore. I've been planning suicide for over 6 months. I've had a plan in place, method and location all set, been giving away possessions, my room is looking empty, not made any plans for the coming months because I know I wont be here. I have derealisation sensations daily and the durations are getting longer. This life is a joke. Its not real. It's one big joke.

 

[oopswronglife]

I've given up. Lost the only good people I've loved and trusted to death. I am too old and too broken to start over and have no trust left because its been violated by 95% of those I let in. This post sent me searching for a word to define the male version of "spinster" but it seems there isn't one. Don't want kids because I couldn't support them nor lie to them convincingly about life and people. Would be nice to not be alone...but not realistic nor worth the costs.

 

[s1mplem3]

I'm a single and childless 35 year old woman who wanted to have a family. I've given up hoping and have been struggling to deal with a breakup a year ago. I'm not optimistic about the future but I can see a way out. I get so much shit for having wanted a family because its against feminism and bla bla bla. I'm afraid the time is over for me to have that now.
Anyone else given up?

I feel the same way, I'm 30 y.o. men. I've never had family and kids, but I want. I just give up to live alone whole my life, I don't want to spend another 30 years like this. I just work, pay bills and nothing left for me in this world, just like a slave. Nobody waits for me, nobody loves, I'll never see my kids, their smiles and that moments that happen in our life and make us happy.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

I'm a single and childless 35 year old woman who wanted to have a family. I've given up hoping and have been struggling to deal with a breakup a year ago. I'm not optimistic about the future but I can see a way out. I get so much shit for having wanted a family because its against feminism and bla bla bla. I'm afraid the time is over for me to have that now.
Anyone else given up?

I thought I had.

Then I met the guy when I was 35. I wasn't even sure at first; I kept telling my friends, "I don't think I'm going to see him again." Then he'd call and I couldn't think of a good reason to say no. One night I came home from a date, walked into my kitchen and realized that OH, SHIT! HE'S THE GUY!

We got married at 38 and would have had time to have at least one kid if I'd wanted them. (I didn't.)

So, nope. It's not over 'til it's over.

 

[Quarky00]

35 is depressing .

Borderline personality is shit (no offense it's hard) , depression is debilitating , bad breakup and loss of trust makes you stop believe in anything , no one can just "go out and find someone" , social pressure and norms ARE harmful , less work to fill time or feel valuable is depressing (vicious cycle) , and the void and loneliness and lack of meaning and pleasure -- are crashing .

But I'm not here to make even more depressed Sounds doom and gloom true ... Your mind is set , you sound determined , and you've made steps towards the end . Like others have mentioned there may be a path for a future ahead . We don't know if it will fulfill all your wishes -- life rarely do even for "normal" people . There is no happily ever after . When you see happy people around , that is not the case (mostly) . And that's not a standard to live by -- or die . Though you have your own wishes . Being alone is hard . Meeting someone is hard . Having a family is hard . Keeping a relationship is hard .

I think that's a starting point . If a person cannot sustain themselves , it's not the right time to plan a child , like suggested .

Things are bad . And hard . You are here among friends . I understand you .

 

[Supersadmommy90]

I'm a woman in my early 30's too, although I have a few children, I struggled to have then and dealt with many months of screwed up cycles and infertility. I am sympathetic on that front. I don't feel conplete in my childbearing and this is an ongoing mental bother, and has been a sore spot in my life for some time.

You should have no problem finding a man to regularly inseminate you. At 35 just make sure you're realistic about your prospects. You'll have to deal with what is available to you on the dating market since you will likely have to accept some imperfections as well. Again I am sympathetic on this front. My looks and fertility aren't mint condition and I'm unfortunately in a position of having to try and start over myself, a source of depression since at this stage in my life I feel I am ill prepared to do so.

it's hard being a woman in your 30's, it forces you to come to terms with the loss of your youth and all the opportunities that afforded. There's still some opportunity and wiggle room don't get me wrong, but your feelings are valid, and shared by myself and all women to varying degrees and in various ways.

I wish you all the best in your life and whatever you choose.

 

[Indieblue]

Someone will always give shit. It's what people do. I've said since my early 20s I didn't want children, and lots of people throughout the years said there was time to change my mind, or I was selfish, or bla bla bla. It was so nice for that shit to stop in my 40s. Folks don't like it when someone else does something with their own damn life that they don't agree with, they want everyone else to own and embody their opinions and beliefs, it's the way of the world. I myself used to be quite pro-life, and there are several words I now wish I could take back and replace with compassionate responses. Perhaps one day those who negated you and your choices will recognize their ignorance and regret how they spoke to you. As @waterbottleman said, that's not feminism. Feminism at its most fundamental is about a woman's right to choose. What those folks were spouting is, I believe, called shittyism in both medicine and the higher academic circles of philosophy. It's a viral epidemic that masquerades as belief systems and is no respecter of gender, class, or status with regard to who it infects and expresses itself through. I'm pretty sure anthropologists have uncovered expressions of shittyism in ancient cave paintings and Egyptian hieroglyphs, but as with ctb methods, please do the research for yourself and don't just take my word for it.

That said, I acknowledge and have compassion for all your disappointment and suffering.

I am sorry people bothered you throughout the years. For some people it seems too difficult to understand some people actually don't want marriages or kids. It is something i didn't want since i was a small child. Many years have passed, i even had a boyfriend, but my mind didn't change. Hope people stop bothering other people saying "you will change your mind" it isn't right.

 

[Jean4]

51 with a hysterectomy. I have my cats.

 

[Indieblue]

51 with a hysterectomy. I have my cats.

I happen to also love cats edit: i am afraid people call me a crazy cat lady lol

 

[Jean4]

I happen to also love cats

Totally devoted, and unconditional love. Better than humans.