Spending days wondering if everything was my fault

[bubbletea]

I'm trying to figure out if everything was my fault
Instead of actively trying to make my life better and making the effort to change

Is it really possible
I feel like I blame things on the trauma or lack of care in childhood but I also feel like my genetically given personality let it get this far like being entitled, false sense of grandiosity, selfishness, lack of ability to stand my ground for opinions, thinking that I'm special, and being prone to delusional ways of thinking.

I don't really remember being normal. Even when my life was good, I exibited strange personality traits I think. Like having to be the center of attention, crying because I was leaving my kindergarten class and I got overly emotionally attached to my teacher. Pitying others for not being as good as me or getting extremely upset and emotional when others were exibiting higher level of skill at something than I could (like piano). So I would cry when I saw child prodigies playing the piano and wondering why I couldn't play like that.

I would get angry at why I wasn't a genius and had everything easy for me.

I think I just was born with toxic ways of thinking that got worse with childhood trauma.

I think the damages I've done to my life are fixable if I change every single aspect of my life.
battling habits and patterns I've succumbed to for many years that left me in this spot today.

But the damage is so bad that I don't know if I can get out of this one.

 

[Marawa]

Self awareness is the first step & you mastered that. it can take years to work out childhood traumas so they don't bleed into your professional or personal life.
it's not easy, but doing to lie, but you can create a whole new world as an adult but IMHO te sooner you find a good therapist (not psychiatrist), they maybe able to help untangle your anxiety. it's at least worth a ahot

 

[Iceangel]

Self awareness is the first step & you mastered that. it can take years to work out childhood traumas so they don't bleed into your professional or personal life.
it's not easy, but doing to lie, but you can create a whole new world as an adult but IMHO te sooner you find a good therapist (not psychiatrist), they maybe able to help untangle your anxiety. it's at least worth a ahot

I agree with this ^ if you havent tried it then according to lostallhope you wont lose anything by at least giving it a shot first. Theres no consequence since youll more than likely still end up at a conclusion you can live with (potential pun intended) anyways. Death is permanent, exhaust all the non permanent issues you have to the best of your ability first. At the very least itll toughen your resolve at the end, knowing without a doubt you tried and you were strong.

Were all here to support you in your decisions and just want you to find peace

 

[Sick Boy]

Feelings of guilt are strong symptoms of a severe depression,i think we all feel guilty of everything before ctb

 

[reginafilangie]

Im so nervous about giving so many personal details and being discovered, but fuck it.

Everything is my fault. I had a pretty dysfunctional childhood, but I managed. I've never had mental health issues or anything of the sort, I just figured it out. I've been on my own, out of the family home for a very long time and have lived in a different city than them for 15 years. Despite coming from an abusive, addicted and insane family, I could manage because I had a solid group of friends who loved and supported and would do anything for me.
9 months ago I lost my little brother in a horrific and preventable accident (I wasn't there, it happened in my hometown). I don't want to get into the details it's just too much but I lost my mind. I lashed out at everyone and everything important to me. I lost my job, all of my friends, my (severely dysfunctional family), blew up my finances completely, had to find somewhere new to live, my reputation is destroyed and I have literally no one left in my life. I spent my birthday and Christmas completely alone this year, not because I wanted to.
I managed to get myself another job but it is extremely high stress and I feel like it is slowly edging me towards a breakdown. I don't have the luxury of not working, I have no safety net, and no one to call for help.
I have a counsellor, she's alright but none of these problems are solvable, I did this to myself and have no way to dig myself out.

Since January I have gone to bed every night hoping that I don't wake up. I sleep maybe 1.5 hours a night, the other 22 hours a day my thoughts are consumed with killing myself. Even at work, I might be distracted while completing tasks but I think about dying all day, every day. I see the train (cargo not passenger) on my way home and think, that wouldn't be so bad. I look at the frozen lake and think, once it melts i'll be able to drown.(I don't live alone and refuse to inflict the torment of finding me on the people I live with.) I have a vehicle but nowhere to drive it into or off of. N isn't an option. Licensing for a gun takes forever here, the course is expensive and only offered at certain times. I have thought of this charcoal CO method quite often, (mainly because my vehicle is my only option with regards to location) but I just can't bring myself to purchase what I need to. This is not because I have some shred of hope that life will get better. I know it won't. Things are only going to get much harder practically speaking (ie. financially). Dealing with this all alone is what has pushed me over the edge. I went from being the one in the group that everyone was obsessed with to being completely blacklisted. I can't fault anyone, I acted like a lunatic. I've gone on an apology tour and have had zero response. I destroyed the most important relationships in my life.
I have never had these thoughts a day in my life, the word suicide wasnt even in my vocabulary and now I am consumed. It's hard for me to understand (those who have friends and families and support) motivations to be on a forum like this and want to end their lives. I would kill to have a family or friends who cared about me. I hope no one takes that the wrong way. I have relatives who I watched suffer with various mental illnesses growing up as a child but never really understood what that might have felt like until now.

I can't bring myself to follow through because I'm too scared I will fail. My first attempt must be my only and final attempt. I found this forum and thought hoorah there must be a foolproof method if I research enough.Turns out, there isn't.
9 months ago I was in such a good spot, (I had regular everyday problems like everyone else) but then it was like my right arm was ripped off. In response, I threw a torpedo at my life, blew it the fuck up and am now living with the consequences of my actions. I can't do this alone any longer. I have no options, nowhere else to go and feel trapped in a small town which is a constant reminder of how much of a total idiot I am. I hate myself, I hate my life and I just want it to be over.

 

[ShadowOfTheDay]

I'm trying to figure out if everything was my fault
Instead of actively trying to make my life better and making the effort to change

Is it really possible
I feel like I blame things on the trauma or lack of care in childhood but I also feel like my genetically given personality let it get this far like being entitled, false sense of grandiosity, selfishness, lack of ability to stand my ground for opinions, thinking that I'm special, and being prone to delusional ways of thinking.

I don't really remember being normal. Even when my life was good, I exibited strange personality traits I think. Like having to be the center of attention, crying because I was leaving my kindergarten class and I got overly emotionally attached to my teacher. Pitying others for not being as good as me or getting extremely upset and emotional when others were exibiting higher level of skill at something than I could (like piano). So I would cry when I saw child prodigies playing the piano and wondering why I couldn't play like that.

I would get angry at why I wasn't a genius and had everything easy for me.

I think I just was born with toxic ways of thinking that got worse with childhood trauma.

I think the damages I've done to my life are fixable if I change every single aspect of my life.
battling habits and patterns I've succumbed to for many years that left me in this spot today.

But the damage is so bad that I don't know if I can get out of this one.

For what it's worth, I do believe some people are born genetically predisposed to mental illness. About three months ago, my grandfather told me that his older brother killed himself drinking rubbing alcohol. And his younger sisters had electroshock therapy in the 1950's to treat depression. Prior to this, I never would have guessed that depression/suicidality was prevalent in my family history. I always thought I was just the "black sheep," because almost everyone else in my immediate family seems to have their shit together.

 

[bigj75]

y'all gotta stop with this. Nobody chooses to be stupid, ugly, depressed, etc. Its not our fault we got dealt a bad hand. You either make it or you don't. Stop being so hard on yourself .

 

[bubbletea]

Yeah but why does everyone

y'all gotta stop with this. Nobody chooses to be stupid, ugly, depressed, etc. Its not our fault we got dealt a bad hand. You either make it or you don't. Stop being so hard on yourself .

yeah but why does everyone around me say it's up to me to get better, I must help myself so others can help me. What if I'm covering my laziness and toxic behavior with an excuse that I have mental illness?
My parents tell me that I had a bad personality- selfish, entitled, always wanting to do it my way since I was really young, even before their influence.
Even if I try to blame my shortcomings on their physical and psychological abuse, it looks as if I was just born messed up, and I chose not to deal with my shortcomings in a healthy way.

 

[bigj75]

Yeah but why does everyone

yeah but why does everyone around me say it's up to me to get better, I must help myself so others can help me. What if I'm covering my laziness and toxic behavior with an excuse that I have mental illness?
My parents tell me that I had a bad personality- selfish, entitled, always wanting to do it my way since I was really young, even before their influence.
Even if I try to blame my shortcomings on their physical and psychological abuse, it looks as if I was just born messed up, and I chose not to deal with my shortcomings in a healthy way.

Because people don't want to admit everything comes down to luck. Which means alot of things are out of your control and nobody wants to feel things are out of their control. Now to be fair there are methods to living that manipulate the luck you have. But in general its all luck. The best you can do is educate yourself and try hard to better your life. After you try your best see if your life is worth living. You might turn things around. But if not don't be so hard on yourself.

 

[reginafilangie]

Because people don't want to admit everything comes down to luck. Which means alot of things are out of your control and nobody wants to feel things are out of their control. Now to be fair there are methods to living that manipulate the luck you have. But in general its all luck. The best you can do is educate yourself and try hard to better your life. After you try your best see if your life is worth living. You might turn things around. But if not don't be so hard on yourself.

what if your situation has nothing to do with luck and was in your control? what if you sabotaged everything you had going for you and are now trapped in torment due to the way you poorly reacted to a situation? despite the situation being out of your control, the way you reacted was well within it. what if it truly is your fault and there is no one to blame but yourself? and what if blaming yourself is a continuous loop that plays over and over in your head day after day?

 

[bigj75]

what if your situation has nothing to do with luck and was in your control? what if you sabotaged everything you had going for you and are now trapped in torment due to the way you poorly reacted to a situation? despite the situation being out of your control, the way you reacted was well within it. what if it truly is your fault and there is no one to blame but yourself? and what if blaming yourself is a continuous loop that plays over and over in your head day after day?

Everything is luck. It's bad luck that you didn't have the intelligence to see that you were going to "sabatoge" yourself. Its bad luck that you acted poorly that moment instead of all the other times you acted non poorly in your life.

 

[bubbletea]

Everything is luck. It's bad luck that you didn't have the intelligence to see that you were going to "sabatoge" yourself. Its bad luck that you acted poorly that moment instead of all the other times you acted non poorly in your life.

What about self control? What about "knowing" what's right? Are we jjusf being controled by upbringing and influence of peers and environment?
I know hitting and screaming is wrong, but just because a member of my family has done it, does that make me helpless with no other option to follow it?

 

[Ruffian]

Ernest Hemingway notoriously killed himself with a shotgun. His father offed himeself, as did two of his sisters and one of his daughters. It was later discovered they had some brain disease from too much iron in the brain. This was out of their control. You can't control depression if it runs in Your family, but you can definitely seek treTment as a option before the finality if ctb. Best wishes.

 

[bigj75]

What about self control? What about "knowing" what's right? Are we jjusf being controled by upbringing and influence of peers and environment?
I know hitting and screaming is wrong, but just because a member of my family has done it, does that make me helpless with no other option to follow it?

I don't expect you to watch the whole thing but you'll get the gyst skimming through

 

[bubbletea]

I don't expect you to watch the whole thing but you'll get the gyst skimming through

I saw this but that means no one is to blame for anything andd we are all just puppets of physics? Wouldn't people use this as an excuse to say, there was no point in the first place so I had no choice but to give up?

 

[silentsinger]

I feel like I blame things on the trauma or lack of care in childhood

I can understand this. A difficult childhood has a dramatic effect on the way we grow into adults. I would also agree with Marawa's reply. For what it's worth it doesn't sound at all as though things were your fault.

 

[About_to_Go]

I saw this but that means no one is to blame for anything andd we are all just puppets of physics? Wouldn't people use this as an excuse to say, there was no point in the first place so I had no choice but to give up?

Yes

 

[Strumgewehr]

Im so nervous about giving so many personal details and being discovered, but fuck it.

Everything is my fault. I had a pretty dysfunctional childhood, but I managed. I've never had mental health issues or anything of the sort, I just figured it out. I've been on my own, out of the family home for a very long time and have lived in a different city than them for 15 years. Despite coming from an abusive, addicted and insane family, I could manage because I had a solid group of friends who loved and supported and would do anything for me.
9 months ago I lost my little brother in a horrific and preventable accident (I wasn't there, it happened in my hometown). I don't want to get into the details it's just too much but I lost my mind. I lashed out at everyone and everything important to me. I lost my job, all of my friends, my (severely dysfunctional family), blew up my finances completely, had to find somewhere new to live, my reputation is destroyed and I have literally no one left in my life. I spent my birthday and Christmas completely alone this year, not because I wanted to.
I managed to get myself another job but it is extremely high stress and I feel like it is slowly edging me towards a breakdown. I don't have the luxury of not working, I have no safety net, and no one to call for help.
I have a counsellor, she's alright but none of these problems are solvable, I did this to myself and have no way to dig myself out.

Since January I have gone to bed every night hoping that I don't wake up. I sleep maybe 1.5 hours a night, the other 22 hours a day my thoughts are consumed with killing myself. Even at work, I might be distracted while completing tasks but I think about dying all day, every day. I see the train (cargo not passenger) on my way home and think, that wouldn't be so bad. I look at the frozen lake and think, once it melts i'll be able to drown.(I don't live alone and refuse to inflict the torment of finding me on the people I live with.) I have a vehicle but nowhere to drive it into or off of. N isn't an option. Licensing for a gun takes forever here, the course is expensive and only offered at certain times. I have thought of this charcoal CO method quite often, (mainly because my vehicle is my only option with regards to location) but I just can't bring myself to purchase what I need to. This is not because I have some shred of hope that life will get better. I know it won't. Things are only going to get much harder practically speaking (ie. financially). Dealing with this all alone is what has pushed me over the edge. I went from being the one in the group that everyone was obsessed with to being completely blacklisted. I can't fault anyone, I acted like a lunatic. I've gone on an apology tour and have had zero response. I destroyed the most important relationships in my life.
I have never had these thoughts a day in my life, the word suicide wasnt even in my vocabulary and now I am consumed. It's hard for me to understand (those who have friends and families and support) motivations to be on a forum like this and want to end their lives. I would kill to have a family or friends who cared about me. I hope no one takes that the wrong way. I have relatives who I watched suffer with various mental illnesses growing up as a child but never really understood what that might have felt like until now.

I can't bring myself to follow through because I'm too scared I will fail. My first attempt must be my only and final attempt. I found this forum and thought hoorah there must be a foolproof method if I research enough.Turns out, there isn't.
9 months ago I was in such a good spot, (I had regular everyday problems like everyone else) but then it was like my right arm was ripped off. In response, I threw a torpedo at my life, blew it the fuck up and am now living with the consequences of my actions. I can't do this alone any longer. I have no options, nowhere else to go and feel trapped in a small town which is a constant reminder of how much of a total idiot I am. I hate myself, I hate my life and I just want it to be over.

I'm sorry life has such a wicked sense of humor. You want to die because you've lost all your loved ones meanwhile I'm praying my family cut ties with me so that my CTB won't hurt them.

 

[lululoo]

I've struggled with this a lot over the years. At this point I am less tormented by it. I had a crappy home life and I had nothing outside of it to save me from it. People saw glimpses of my dad's abuse but no one extended a hand to me.

Anyway I will admit that part of what has lessened my turmoil over it is that there are other things in my life — physical issues — beyond my control, that I can't fix. So the ship had sailed on me picking up the pieces of the trauma and finding happiness.