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Thank you for your reply, and it scares me greatly. I wonder how much pain I still have to endure in this life. How much is it worth to be able to say enough? I feel caged, living a horrible experience. Leaving is equally horrible. Where have I ended up? What is this horror they call life? From what you write, it seems I have to go through an even more extreme pain than this one, it's increasingly extreme. Every second of life must become more extreme in order to escape and find peace. It's monstrous!
Unfortunately, we can endure so much more pain and suffering we never might imagine we are able to take. This is the sad truth when it comes to suicide. Our brain is hard coded to survive at any costs.
I can't take it anymore, living is agonizing, excruciating pain. Every day when I go to sleep I pray I don't wake up in the morning and die in my sleep. I'm exhausted, I don't even know how to explain it.
I understand you, you too must be suffering so much in this situation. I'm just wondering why this relentlessness against us, and why all this suffering that can only increase? I'm really tired, I can't take it anymore.
Dear friend, I really hope I can do it, to find the strength to make that final gesture that will allow me to stop suffering. But everything is so heavy on me, life, all the things I have to do every day that I don't want to do, the pushy people, the life that stresses me out, people want things from me, they push me to do things, to work, to stay here in a place I hate, and every day or things I have to do just to survive even though I don't want to live. I don't know if you can understand me.
Plus, there's my psychotherapist and my psychiatrist who tells me I have to find my place in the world. But what place? There's no place for me in the world. This world sucks. I can't stand it. It makes me feel bad. I don't feel like I have any mission, like the things the psychiatrist talks about. His medications make me stupid, they don't make me feel good, and I've been through dozens and dozens of psychiatric treatments, even in the clinic. I've been worse than outside the clinic. I'm tired of being over-embittered for years. Every time they propose a new drug, a new treatment, perhaps mixed with various psychotropic drugs, plus anxiolytics, and other useless nonsense. They also give me exercises to do at home that are boring, hateful, or pointless. You give me the impression they're telling me to eat the shit on my plate and think it's chocolate. Sorry for the perhaps inappropriate language, but that's what I feel when I go to those forced therapies. As far as I'm concerned, psychotherapy doesn't solve anything at all. In fact, it makes you look deeper into how much existence sucks. For me, psychotherapy is just a trick manual for dealing with the unbearable, the existence, the shit we find ourselves in, and in the end, it doesn't even work.
