Sorry if false alarm, about to take SN

[stilhavinightmares]

I'm trying to muster the courage. At hotel room, took antiemetics, I already feel nauseous of course so I'm pretty much definitely going to vomit and I hate vomiting.

 

[PoorlyTinted]

i wish you luck with escaping from
this hell hole of a society. if it doesnt work or you dont do it please message this!!

 

[stoopid]

Vomiting is disgusting af, but with aniemetics should you be fine, even with the worst infection I got MCP sealed my stomach.

May your suffering ends soon, I wish that you get what you desire.

 

[SleepWell]

I wish you safe travels friend.

 

[Ruma]

Goodluck,I hope you find the peace you deserve x

 

[MeowTheFlemishCat]

You can always DM in case you're doubtful or need someone to speak to nightmares. IK everyone says this but I've been around the block, I'm suffering, I understand. You don't have to be alone. Recovery isn't ever IMPOSSIBLE

Please tell us in case you fail!!

 

[jodes2]

You shouldn't be feeling sick on antiemetics!

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I'll keep in contact on here as I can. I feel so awkward in this hotel room and I am hoping I won't be conscious for any commotion but I can't stop thinking about the commotion im going to cause. I wish I could slip away quietly. The walls here are thin. Im debating drinking it then running back to my car. It's just down the stairs.

You shouldn't be feeling sick on antiemetics!

I think my brain associates antiemetics with throwing up That and I'm anxious AF

You can always DM in case you're doubtful or need someone to speak to nightmares. IK everyone says this but I've been around the block, I'm suffering, I understand. You don't have to be alone. Recovery isn't ever IMPOSSIBLE

Please tell us in case you fail!!

Long term recovery feels impossible.

 

[9thFloorAngel]

Best of luck, friend. If you need someone to talk with, I'll be around. Sweet dreams x

 

[stilhavinightmares]

The SN is so freaking clumpy, I can't get it to dissolve. It's been in the water (lukewarm) for at least 5 minutes now

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that when the time is right for you to leave, you find the freedom that you are searching for, best wishes.

 

[MeowTheFlemishCat]

I've tried and tried and tried e.g. 1.25 years inpatient, 5 years outpatient, my grandmother died, my abusive mother spread her emotional contamination (OCD), my friends left me, my friends shit talked me for a year in a Discord server, my best friend left me to return to the group I was ostracized from, I spend 2 months at my mom's place, and a month at a homeless shelter before getting my own place early February, and every moment is agony BUT IT'S NOT OVER YET NIGHTMARES

You don't want to die. You want the suffering to end. I'd like it to end too RIGHT NOW but that's not an option. You take that drink you end the possibility of things EVER IMPROVING

FIGHT FOR PRECIOUS MEMORIES, FIGHT TO STEM REGRET

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I've tried and tried and tried e.g. 1.25 years inpatient, 5 years outpatient, my grandmother died, my abusive mother spread her emotional contamination (OCD), my friends left me, my friends shit talked me for a year in a Discord server, my best friend left me to return to the group I was ostracized from, I spend 2 months at my mom's place, and a month at a homeless shelter before getting my own place early February, and every moment is agony BUT IT'S NOT OVER YET NIGHTMARES

You don't want to die. You want the suffering to end. I'd like it to end too RIGHT NOW but that's not an option. You take that drink you end the possibility of things EVER IMPROVING

FIGHT FOR PRECIOUS MEMORIES, FIGHT TO STEM REGRET

You're right. My brain is just really messed up and I don't see myself having any capability of making things better for myself long-term. Every minute here is pain and agony.



My mind doesn't know what to do with all these options.

1. Take SN. Definitely violently vomit. Cause a ruckus. Possibly die, possibly will just make self suffer physically and mentally.

2. Go home quietly.

3. Go to the hospital and be stuck in the psych ED all weekend but be able to stay safe and not panic over the decision of living vs dying.

 

[MeowTheFlemishCat]

You're right. My brain is just really messed up and I don't see myself having any capability of making things better for myself long-term. Every minute here is pain and agony.



My mind doesn't know what to do with all these options.

1. Take SN. Definitely violently vomit. Cause a ruckus. Possibly die, possibly will just make self suffer physically and mentally.

2. Go home quietly.

3. Go to the hospital and be stuck in the psych ED all weekend but be able to stay safe and not panic over the decision of living vs dying.

I WANT TO DIE RIGHT NOW TOO SO IT CAN ALL STOP BUT THEN ILL NEVER RECONCILE WITH MY BEST FRIEND OF ALL TIME ILL NEVER HAVE ANOTHER GOOD DAY

I'd go home quietly or find a place to walk to or do anything else if you'd like you can add me on Discord to chat on VC Meow(y) The Hybrid Snowelf Catto#6200

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I WANT TO DIE RIGHT NOW TOO SO IT CAN ALL STOP BUT THEN ILL NEVER RECONCILE WITH MY BEST FRIEND OF ALL TIME ILL NEVER HAVE ANOTHER GOOD DAY

I'd go home quietly or find a place to walk to or do anything else if you'd like you can add me on Discord to chat on VC Meow(y) The Hybrid Snowelf Catto#6200

I don't have or understand discord but thank you so much I've drafted a text to my wife asking her thoughts on the hospital. Thing is, i feel like I NEED to try the SN, my brain has been hounding me about it nonstop for a long time and I'm the only one who can quiet it but I don't know how to quiet it without just fucking taking it

 

[Source Energy]

If you are not sure don't do it. You need to be 100% convinced you want this. If you do want it, plenty of people succeeded even after vomiting.

 

[leeloosnow]

it is okay, whatever you decide @stilhavinightmares You are the only one that truly knows how it feels piloting around your own little meatship, and if you are sure of your choice to ctb or not, then that is right imo. i hope you can find that silent comfort in either choice you make concerning your life and what direction you want to go. i hope you're met with kindness and acceptance for your journey, and if you did decide to leave, i hope your crossing is peaceful and comfortable <3 big hugs

 

[stoopid]

I'm not pro life but I'm pro think, and in my opinion if you're not 100% sure, maybe you should rethink and delay it. I can't say for sure how I would handle the situation, I think I would just do it, but I'm not certain what my damaged brain will think. But if I have doubts I would rethink to have a clear mind, so I can go without regrets.

That's the biggest pain in the ass, for real, having the key to freedom but doubting. What a hell

 

[stilhavinightmares]

If you are not sure don't do it. You need to be 100% convinced you want this. If you do want it, plenty of people succeeded even after vomiting.

I hate not being 100% convinced and I feel even more like a piece of shit not doing it and I will feel that way for a long time, probably my whole life

I'm not pro life but I'm pro think, and in my opinion if you're not 100% sure, maybe you should rethink and delay it. I can't say for sure how I would handle the situation, I think I would just do it, but I'm not certain what my damaged brain will think. But if I have doubts I would rethink to have a clear mind, so I can go without regrets.

That's the biggest pain in the ass, for real, having the key to freedom but doubting. What a hell

No literally it is hell. This life is fucking hell.

 

[Source Energy]

I WANT TO DIE RIGHT NOW TOO SO IT CAN ALL STOP BUT THEN ILL NEVER RECONCILE WITH MY BEST FRIEND OF ALL TIME ILL NEVER HAVE ANOTHER GOOD DAY

I'd go home quietly or find a place to walk to or do anything else if you'd like you can add me on Discord to chat on VC Meow(y) The Hybrid Snowelf Catto#6200

The hope of seeing again and reconcile a special person kept me going for many years. We did meet again, but instead of my dream come true I got my worst nightmare came true. His face has been the only beckoning light all this time...I can relate...hopefully you will have better luck.
I regret having held on.


OP, if you are not at 100%, discard the whole thing and take a nap. It's not the time yet :(
When you are ready, you will know it.
It is what it is. Half of us here are on the edge, don't feel like shit.

 

[MeowTheFlemishCat]

The hope of seeing again and reconcile a special person kept me going for many years. We did meet again, but instead of my dream come true I got my worst nightmare came true. His face has been the only beckoning light all this time...I can relate...hopefully you will have better luck.
I regret having held on.


OP, if you are not at 100%, discard the whole thing and take a nap. It's not the time yet :(
When you are ready, you will know it.
It is what it is. Half of us here are on the edge, don't feel like shit.

Can I ask what happened? I've YEARS of history between us and she has cried over me reaching out for euthanasia although it has been a year and a month since she blocked me and it's so painful but I managed to reconcile with another person that left for 2 years and that brought mental peace. God please, can I talk with you in DMs? I'm sorry if I'm being pushy : (

 

[FireWalkWithMe]

I would suggest leaving it for now. This is one of those things that when there is uncertainty..take the conservative choice. You can go back to this any time, but you can't come back to life. At least I don't think a way has been found yet!

 

[stilhavinightmares]

it is okay, whatever you decide @stilhavinightmares You are the only one that truly knows how it feels piloting around your own little meatship, and if you are sure of your choice to ctb or not, then that is right imo. i hope you can find that silent comfort in either choice you make concerning your life and what direction you want to go. i hope you're met with kindness and acceptance for your journey, and if you did decide to leave, i hope your crossing is peaceful and comfortable <3 big hugs

This is so freaking sweet, thank you

I would suggest leaving it for now. This is one of those things that when there is uncertainty..take the conservative choice. You can go back to this any time, but you can't come back to life. At least I don't think a way has been found yet!

Very true. I did just waste SN though but at least I think it's still relatively easy to get. And the hotel room is just money I literally don't care about anything

 

[missingpeace]

It's ok, your actions weren't wasted, at least it's bringing you some clarity on the most crucial decisions of your life. Hope things will get better for you after going to the hospital.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

It's ok, your actions weren't wasted, at least it's bringing you some clarity on the most crucial decisions of your life. Hope things will get better for you after going to the hospital.

I'm still not sure what I'm doing. How are you?

 

[stoopid]

I'm still not sure what I'm doing. How are you?

what are doing usually ? I would chill, drink a beer and take a walk. Atleast you got a a step further, to know that you're that uncertain is a big step. Work from there.

We're here, if you wanna talk

 

[Source Energy]

Can I ask what happened? I've YEARS of history between us and she has cried over me reaching out for euthanasia although it has been a year and a month since she blocked me and it's so painful but I managed to reconcile with another person that left for 2 years and that brought mental peace. God please, can I talk with you in DMs? I'm sorry if I'm being pushy : (

It is a very long and sad story and talking about it pains me. The idea is, I regret I wasted 7 years and not ctb-ying. I reached the same spot anyway, my dreams broken, my heart shattered in million pieces...

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I am talking to my wife via text about going to the hospital. I feel like such a fucking failure. But my people pleasing is continuing to keep me alive I guess. I can't hurt her.

 

[missingpeace]

I am talking to my wife via text about going to the hospital. I feel like such a fucking failure. But my people pleasing is continuing to keep me alive I guess. I can't hurt her.

I think your making the right decision, if there are ways you think your life can become slightly better you should give it a go.. if you already noticed your a people-pleaser, maybe these are the habits that need to be looked at.. I hope you can find supportive people to help you.. <3

 

[9thFloorAngel]

I am talking to my wife via text about going to the hospital. I feel like such a fucking failure. But my people pleasing is continuing to keep me alive I guess. I can't hurt her.

There's no shame in getting help. If it's not your time, then it's not your time. That's okay, it doesn't mean you failed.

This may sound silly, but I'm proud of you. I hope you find what you need