Venting Sorry for another post

[Wyldfyre4948]

It's been 5 months since I lost my cat and then my wife left and I'm just beat to shit. She doesn't contact me ever unless it's bad news. I don't contact her because I feel like I'm not supposed to bother her.

Today I reached out to her about things she left and what she wants to do about it. Wasn't expecting a response but she said she would come get it. For the most part I've had this stuff separated and ready for awhile. It hurts me seeing this stuff all the time. The problem is that she isn't coming today and honestly I doubt she'd get it tomorrow either.

I've never felt good enough and having her leave me after so long together just beats me down even more. For months I've had to look at everything she left and think about the future that is now gone. Today was filled with me constantly breaking down because I feel like this is all my fault. The fact that I'm collecting her stuff for her to take just makes me feel like I'm forcing her out.

The truth is that I've done everything I could to avoid this from happening because she is my favorite person in the world. She told me how I could trust her and how she'd never leave so I was stuck with her. Five months later we don't speak and she's moved on.

I wanted there to be a way we could both be happy, but she was stuck on things only going one way. Now I'm living alone and struggling with that. Today broke me from the start because I felt my cat walking around on the bed. I could feel his steps pressing the blanket down and causing it to pull. Part of me hoped I was waking up from the worst nightmare ever, but I also knew he was gone. It took me awhile to finally move because I figured when I did the footsteps would stop.

I lost everything I love this year and the thought of continuing on through the monotony of life broke me some more. Pretty sure I'm held together with duct tape and superglue, and I'm running out of both of them. The idea of even going another decade feels impossible right now. Going to sleep every night and hoping not to wake up is the closest I have to a happy thought.

The belief that I'm broken beyond repair seems more and more certain as time goes on. Every ache or sudden pain I get makes me hope that that's going to be it. A sharp pain in my arm or I get really lightheaded doesn't scare me. It's like death is being a tease trying to get me excited for nothing. I just want this shit show to end already. Struggling to pay bills and being unable to qualify for aid feels like another slap in the face. When my health insurance cuts off I'm not going to be able to afford my meds so my high bp might do me in. Honestly I just don't care about living anymore. The whole "you'll get through this" "the light at the end of the tunnel" "you're stronger than you know" don't really do anything. Just hollow sentiments to try to inspire hope.

I'm sorry for the short novel and the constant posting. There's just so much dark shit in my head and nobody really cares because it's depressing. I don't have friends and I don't want the guilt trip from my family for not being able to just stop feeling this. The worst thing is that the only person on this planet that really knows what's going on inside me is the one who doesn't care about me anymore. She'd be the one who can fix me, and maybe that's just making me feel more isolated. The person who was always there for stuff like this is actually the cause of it this time.

Sorry for rambling on again but there's a whole lot of hell going on in my head. It would be nice to take a gun and put a hole in my head so this can all get out. I'm sorry if this post was very depressing or triggering for anyone. I truly am sorry for constantly posting again, but I don't have anywhere else to go. Today has just really broken me and I expect another when she gets her stuff. Thank you for reading and again I apologize.

 

[ThisUnrest]

It sounds like a really scary time youre going through. Im sorry your wife isnt being more understanding and compassionate. So many losses, it's very hard to handle so many big changes. I feel for your pain.

 

[february in alaska]

There's no need to apologize, that's what this site is for. I'm sorry about your situation... one loss after another makes everything so much worse. Regardless of what path you take I hope you find a way to a more peaceful place

 

[Wyldfyre4948]

I feel the need to apologize because I feel so fucked up and I'm here with a trauma dump. There's people on here who have it so much worse than I do.

All it took was losing everything in less than 24 hours to ruin me. My cat was basically my kid and he was the best little buddy I could ask for. My wife leaving and cutting off communication basically made it feel like she died too. I've been breaking down and crying like a baby left and right today. My wife was/is everything to me and that's why this wrecked me. Her still being alive and not wanting to see or talk to me hurts as much as not being able to cuddle with my cat. One could come back and we can move forward somehow, but I feel like once she left that she is done with me being in her life.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you'd just wish to be free from all the suffering, it must be so dreadful what you are going through, it's cruel how people have to suffer so much in this existence. But anyway best wishes.

 

[Mistiie]

It's awful that you feelt his way. I know it's not the recovery forum, but I feel like it's worth mentioning some options anyways since you're clearly in a rough position that's been caused by a string of bad luck/misfortune.

Have you looked at getting a new cat? That might be a risky play for someone who's feeling suicidal (after all I doubt you'd want to pawn it off on a friend or your wife or whatnot) and I know that it might be painful getting over the loss of your previous one but who knows, you might just be missing having a pet as well. I know I felt that way when my dog died, and I got a few and that pain slowly disappeared over the course of a year or so.