Sometimes i want to die sometimes i dont

[ifeelsobad]

Something bad happened to me at 13/14 years old in 8th grade. I never got any help for it really until I was 21 and told my doctor at the hospital who told my mom for me. Before that I felt like things were better but not even really all because I still got bullied and stuff even before the bad thing. Especially my brothers were mean and called me names.

But sometimes I am really really happy and don't even think about this stuff and sometimes like right now I can't think of anything else. It's really hard for me to talk to people even family I just feel all weird around them. Not like all comfy and family feelings.

Anyway I want to die but I can't do anything with hanging or that will stop my breathing like suffocating it's to scary for me. I can't jump off a tall building. I wanted to do co poisoning but don't know how since I don't have a car or garage and that's the only way I know how.

 

[FuneralCry]

I just think that after all, only you know if you really wish to die or not, I believe that it's a feeling of certainty that one has. But anyway I certainly understand the struggle in finding ways to die, that's the only reason as to why I continue to be trapped here in this world. Hanging and jumping scare me as well, and I just hate the fact how planning to die can be so complicated.

 

[DukeDestroyer]

I have similar feelings with my family. My father will not or is going to try to understand autism. He thinks I'm capable of working full time, in reality I'm only capable of working part time. 30 hours a week is my limit. If I work more than that, serious mental health issues will arise. It sucks because they will not help me get disability benefit. I can do it myself, but the problem is. How am I supposed to afford a lawyer to appeal it if it gets rejected. This makes no sense in the slightest, they helped my oldest sister get disability benefits. Even though she tried to kill my mother, my parents still continue to help her but not me.

They seem to have this "men can do it all, while women need help" Attitude. They really don't seem to care about me, that is what my GF told me and I agree with her. My parents also side with my middle sister all the time, if me and her are having an argument, dispute or she's telling me to do something. She also thinks I should be working 60+ hours a week, where I would have no life. Except for sleep and work. I have a pretty strained relationship with my family.

 

[ThisIsLife]

I just think that after all, only you know if you really wish to die or not, I believe that it's a feeling of certainty that one has. But anyway I certainly understand the struggle in finding ways to die, that's the only reason as to why I continue to be trapped here in this world. Hanging and jumping scare me as well, and I just hate the fact how planning to die can be so complicated.

I think it can be simple with inert gas. Of course, with any method comes the possibility to fail, and i think that's the main reason why we tend to doubt about how easy or hard it is whatever the method we choose. Success becomes the most important part once everything is planned.
It starts with choosing the method, getting the stuff, then thinking enough about how to set everything can become stressful and the main question everyone asks himself at one point is "Is there any chance it can fail?". The most difficult one imo. It can be anything.

I have a preference for N2 gas (or Argon) method since it seems to be the most peacefull and humane of all: you shut down almost instantly and at the same time losing consciousness, without suffocation or stress. However, in order to not fail, i feel a full face mask with rebreather is the safest way to avoid any trouble.

 

[LastFlowers]

I have similar feelings with my family. My father will not or is going to try to understand autism. He thinks I'm capable of working full time, in reality I'm only capable of working part time. 30 hours a week is my limit. If I work more than that, serious mental health issues will arise. It sucks because they will not help me get disability benefit. I can do it myself, but the problem is. How am I supposed to afford a lawyer to appeal it if it gets rejected. This makes no sense in the slightest, they helped my oldest sister get disability benefits. Even though she tried to kill my mother, my parents still continue to help her but not me.

They seem to have this "men can do it all, while women need help" Attitude. They really don't seem to care about me, that is what my GF told me and I agree with her. My parents also side with my middle sister all the time, if me and her are having an argument, dispute or she's telling me to do something. She also thinks I should be working 60+ hours a week, where I would have no life. Except for sleep and work. I have a pretty strained relationship with my family.

Well I just want to say there should be no double standard and if you're suffering all the same, your parents should assist you.
But do you really need a lawyer for disability benefits?
Idk where you live but usually you can appeal or request reconsideration on your own, if they reject you at first.
You can do your own research as to the best ways to go about this in order to better your chances.

As for your gf, to be frank, she really should not be feeding into hostility with your family, she is not in a relationship with them, only you.
They're not really any of her business, so I hope that you've also been able to come to certain conclusions on your own.
Otherwise these comments to you may lead to more drama down the road.
If your sister actually attempted to kill your mother, maybe there is something more severe at play.
It's very common that siblings come away with completely different perceptions and experiences within the same family unit.
You can't always know exactly what the other one went through or if the parents antagonized them and perhaps feel guilty.
Not saying that's necessarily the case here, but something could be going on along those lines.

Does your middle sister work that many hours?
If not, then that's pretty ridiculous to demand that you do so.
Not sure why she would be invested in pushing that on you in the first place.
I don't see how it benefits or hurts her either way. Sorry you have to deal with that.

 

[DukeDestroyer]

I've come to a lot of conclusions on my own. My GF took years to come to those same conclusions, my psychologist came to those same conclusions after a few months of talking about it. My middle sister she is a closed minded NT, doesn't work that many hours. She only works 25-30hrs a week, while her husband works at least 60hrs a week. She even wanted me to keep working at a place where I suffered abuse from my co-workers.

I live in the USA, from what I've seen both my oldest sister and my ex both needed lawyers to get benefits. That particular ex is a whole other can of worms that I won't talk about right now.

I've dealing with double standards my whole life. That is just one the themes of my life.

People have said to me that when an individual treats someone bad, they treat you worse. I've heard that from so many people.

Thank you for the words.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

There are disability appeals lawyers who take a percentage of your award for a period of time if they win your case. You wouldn't have to pay any money up front to them if they take your case.

 

[ifeelsobad]

I think it can be simple with inert gas. Of course, with any method comes the possibility to fail, and i think that's the main reason why we tend to doubt about how easy or hard it is whatever the method we choose. Success becomes the most important part once everything is planned.
It starts with choosing the method, getting the stuff, then thinking enough about how to set everything can become stressful and the main question everyone asks himself at one point is "Is there any chance it can fail?". The most difficult one imo. It can be anything.

I have a preference for N2 gas (or Argon) method since it seems to be the most peacefull and humane of all: you shut down almost instantly and at the same time losing consciousness, without suffocation or stress. However, in order to not fail, i feel a full face mask with rebreather is the safest way to avoid any trouble.

What is inert gas?

 

[ThisIsLife]

What is inert gas?

Nitrogen, Helium and Argon

 

[sevenkarmas]

Disability in the US is a joke. If you are working so you can put a roof over your head and food in your stomach or those you care for, you don't qualify. If doesn't matter if you can barely walk, have extreme migraines and can't lift your arms above your head. If you are working you are not disabled. Then you see someone that has aggression and anger issues and they get full disability. It's a joke.

 

[AerialBoundaries]

I know the feeling of floating in between. Life will sometimes throw you a bone and things feel like they're not so bad, but it's usually very brief and the suffering returns with a vengeance.

 

[ifeelsobad]

Nitrogen, Helium and Argon

I still don't understand how I get or use it to die though