Venting sometimes I think I want to live, and it terrifies me

[february in alaska]

(Also I'm sorry if this should've been posted to the recovery section. I have no idea where to put it )

so, it all started with this stupid pair of gloves that were given to me by someone else.

these stupidly expensive, super beautiful, with hand beading and raw leather and lined in fur. Just like, wow. Stupidly gorgeous gloves. And I'm holding these stupid gloves and suddenly my brain thinks, "these gloves could last decades. maybe even a lifetime". And before I can stop myself I'm imagining some fantasy of an ideal world where I could move into the most remote place imaginable and get a big dog and wear these gloves every day in the snow. And I dunno, make art or some shit. A world where I could just exist in a cabin with a dog and these gloves making art. That sounds nice. I could live, if that was all there was.

It's not realistic, I know that. By tomorrow I'm probably going to come to my senses and be exactly where I was yesterday. But planning to die hurts so much more when I know deep down there is a world out there that I would've enjoyed living in, it just isn't this one

And my brain thinks, "well, why don't you see if you could make that a reality and maybe you'll find a way? you have nothing to lose" but even just thinking about it makes me so fucking tired. I don't have the energy to keep going, to keep pushing for this thing that's never going to happen, to try and make myself a life worth living. It's so much easier to end it all and just go to sleep. I'm tired of fighting to live and to be happy. I can't do it anymore

I just wish I could be 100% with this. I'm caught in this awful loop of not wanting to die and not wanting to live and and this point I'm not properly prepared to keep living OR to CTB

I've already given up in so many ways. At this point the idea of deciding to keep living or even just to postpone my due date is just as terrifying as the idea of going through with it

No idea what to do. No idea if any of this even makes any coherent sense or if anyone cares to read this nonsense. All I know is that I'm going to be wearing these gloves for the rest of my life, however long that ends up being.

 

[DyingToDie123]

I saw this title and was like "oh WOW that's relatable." Every time I think about why I can't pull through an attempt I realize that it's because I don't want to die, I just don't want to live this particular life. But there's nothing else I can do to get out of this life, so I feel stuck. I really wish I fully wanted to die too.

 

[foxgirl]

Beautifully written, and painfully relatable. I've wanted to die for a long time, but, like your gloves, there are little things that stop me in my tracks and make me wonder if I should push on and try to find more of those little things that seem to make it worth it.

 

[february in alaska]

Beautifully written, and painfully relatable. I've wanted to die for a long time, but, like your gloves, there are little things that stop me in my tracks and make me wonder if I should push on and try to find more of those little things that seem to make it worth it.

It's always the little things, isn't it? I wish they outweighed all the big things. Being able to see what "could have been" is so much harder

I saw this title and was like "oh WOW that's relatable." Every time I think about why I can't pull through an attempt I realize that it's because I don't want to die, I just don't want to live this particular life. But there's nothing else I can do to get out of this life, so I feel stuck. I really wish I fully wanted to die too.

I wish things were different or that we had more of a way to create the life we wanted. Life as a concept is so incredible, but life as we have it feels more like a prison