Venting Sometimes I feel like I'm just pathetic and wallowing in self pity

[Reflection]

There are times where I feel like my pain isn't valid and that I just refuse to help myself. Kind of like impostor syndrome. In fact even as Im typing this I feel like there is no goal behind other than make myself feel better a bit by what I'm saying, like a coping mechanism. In some ways I feel like I'm manipulating not only others but primarily myself as well in the sense that my problem shouldn't be too bad and I'm just blowing it out of proportion.

At the core of it the only problem I have is having been abandoned badly by a girl Love so much, and I cannot accept her just being with someone else without feeling like letting go of a piece of me... I never really had any mental issues or anything like that so I know it sounds ridiculous to get to this point just because of that one reason that many people believe is just a natural part of life.

it's strange, Ive been told time and time again that I should just get over it and man up to the point that that I'm overthinking everything and doubting my own pain and small moments of relief do seem to reinforce that idea. I just don't know, all I want is peace of mind.

 

[longtheriverrun]

People who say things like "just suck it up" or "get over it" either haven't experienced much hardship or have forgotten just how awful suffering can be—and one's state of mind during it. I try to avoid making condescending remarks like that about, what can be referred to as 'normal people,' but at the moment, I can't think of a better way to frame it

It's not ridiculous to feel utterly miserable after a break-up. For me, it's unjust to categorize negative experiences into "ones that justify experiencing misery and suffering" and "ones that don't [because they are ridiculous / trivial / "natural part of life]." Pain isn't something that can be sorted in absolute terms—it's relative

I know what it's like to lose someone who felt like an inseparable part of your very 'being.' I don't think I can ever get over my past girlfriend. She was the only light in my life—I was so happy it felt like a dream. It has been both a reason to search for hope in life and a source of suicidal ideation. It's not entirely rational, but what one deems as rational is ultimately shaped by our own mental frameworks / thought processes—once again, it's something that is relative

Whatever pain you feel is valid. Overthinking is natural, and to be expected (I apologize if this is a cheap and meaningless statement). When those moments of relief come, embrace them as much as you can; If you can't, don't hate yourself for it. Denying how you feel, your very own 'mind'—whether the feelings are positive or negative—only deepens that sense of 'otherness' and alienation within yourself

 

[Forever Sleep]

The horrible truth is- maybe you have lost a part of yourself to her. It's similar I imagine to when someone dies. All that you experienced with them, the person you were able to be with them now feels more cut adrift. You may wonder if you'll ever feel that way again. That seems reasonable and, it's reasonable to mourn the loss of her, that part of yourself and the hopes you had for the future.

I suppose it's harder to judge whether we 'should' be able to get over these things. We all react differently to different setbacks in life. It likely depends how much we had set our hopes on them and how dependent we'd become on them. I guess that's why there's that whole saying: 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket.' I also did that but- with my career and, that hasn't really been a better choice.

I do think you should try to be kind to yourself though. I think it can take years to get over someone. It took me years to fully get over crushes- and they weren't even real!

 

[Reflection]

People who say things like "just suck it up" or "get over it" either haven't experienced much hardship or have forgotten just how awful suffering can be—and one's state of mind during it. I try to avoid making condescending remarks like that about, what can be referred to as 'normal people,' but at the moment, I can't think of a better way to frame it

It's not ridiculous to feel utterly miserable after a break-up. For me, it's unjust to categorize negative experiences into "ones that justify experiencing misery and suffering" and "ones that don't [because they are ridiculous / trivial / "natural part of life]." Pain isn't something that can be sorted in absolute terms—it's relative

I know what it's like to lose someone who felt like an inseparable part of your very 'being.' I don't think I can ever get over my past girlfriend. She was the only light in my life—I was so happy it felt like a dream. It has been both a reason to search for hope in life and a source of suicidal ideation. It's not entirely rational, but what one deems as rational is ultimately shaped by our own mental frameworks / thought processes—once again, it's something that is relative

Whatever pain you feel is valid. Overthinking is natural, and to be expected (I apologize if this is a cheap and meaningless statement). When those moments of relief come, embrace them as much as you can; If you can't, don't hate yourself for it. Denying how you feel, your very own 'mind'—whether the feelings are positive or negative—only deepens that sense of 'otherness' and alienation within yourself

The horrible truth is- maybe you have lost a part of yourself to her. It's similar I imagine to when someone dies. All that you experienced with them, the person you were able to be with them now feels more cut adrift. You may wonder if you'll ever feel that way again. That seems reasonable and, it's reasonable to mourn the loss of her, that part of yourself and the hopes you had for the future.

I suppose it's harder to judge whether we 'should' be able to get over these things. We all react differently to different setbacks in life. It likely depends how much we had set our hopes on them and how dependent we'd become on them. I guess that's why there's that whole saying: 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket.' I also did that but- with my career and, that hasn't really been a better choice.

I do think you should try to be kind to yourself though. I think it can take years to get over someone. It took me years to fully get over crushes- and they weren't even real!

Thank you for the kind replies. I really appreciate them. I think that my brain just refuses to let go of her even after such a long time. I don't want to face a life where not only I have to be without her but also wherr I have to accept that someone else would be living my dream.

 

[fallingtopieces]

i don't think advising someone they "should just get over it and man up" is helpful. if a best friend of many years told me that i would understand at least they meant well and wished me to feel better. but the pain and the mourning of the end of a relationship does take time. something that time and space can heal. for some of us the ending of a relationship where both people were each other's firsts is just really, really hard. i already shared that i fall into that group and i too had a very, very difficult time with the end of my first relationship. they even talked to their mother about me and thought we might end up marrying. there were some ups and downs over time. it made me sick to my stomach when my partner eventually started sleeping with someone else.

it took time and space away from each other, and just going about my own life to move on. i also reflected on my own behavior, my own actions and my own responsibility in that relationship. and understanding that they were not something to possess, to gain or lose. we can't make people feel something they don't. i was young, and still had much to learn about life and myself. a few years later we met again and even became friends for a while until they moved to another state for work. myself i went on to have other relationships. i hope you give yourself the time, and the space you need to move forward with your own life. give yourself the chance to share yourself with someone else.

 

[Reflection]

i don't think advising someone they "should just get over it and man up" is helpful. if a best friend of many years told me that i would understand at least they meant well and wished me to feel better. but the pain and the mourning of the end of a relationship does take time. something that time and space can heal. for some of us the ending of a relationship where both people were each other's firsts is just really, really hard. i already shared that i fall into that group and i too had a very, very difficult time with the end of my first relationship. they even talked to their mother about me and thought we might end up marrying. there were some ups and downs over time. it made me sick to my stomach when my partner eventually started sleeping with someone else.

it took time and space away from each other, and just going about my own life to move on. i also reflected on my own behavior, my own actions and my own responsibility in that relationship. and understanding that they were not something to possess, to gain or lose. we can't make people feel something they don't. i was young, and still had much to learn about life and myself. a few years later we met again and even became friends for a while until they moved to another state for work. myself i went on to have other relationships. i hope you give yourself the time, and the space you need to move forward with your own life. give yourself the chance to share yourself with someone else.

Thank you for taking the time and sharing your experience.
To be honest I don't think my brain is wired to just accept it and start over with someone else, I'm nearing two years now after the breakup. relationships have lost all meaning to me. Funnily enough even looking at various forms of intimacy through movies, shows, and pornography mentally torture me. Objectively there's nothing special about that woman, it's not that I believe I can't possibly find someone else who would treat me even better than she ever did, the way I tried before for her. It's just that in a way it feels like letting it all play out would be like desecrating a piece of me.