I have soon exams and my psychiatrist put me on benozs for that time. Sometimes manic symptoms and mixed with taking benozs feels pretty good. I have two friends at college. I recently met my best friend and he will soon go to a foreign country and I will miss him so much. He helped in such a huge way that my words are not enough to describe it. He helped me with work but also to stabilize me mentally. I could fully trust him. We went through a lot. I think my time in college will be pretty different without him. The trustlevel I had with him prevented paranoid thoughts about him.
I am studying pretty hard currently. Though the last semester was a different dimension. I almost relapsed this is why I took this semester less courses and the workload is less painful. I am pretty focused on writing good grades. Though they are kind of useless. My energy to be this good stems from internalized self-hatred, OCD behavior, manic symptoms which fuel my drive to study, child abuse related to studying.
In front of other people in college I often act like my life was good and that there is a future for me. Though this is not true. I think I cannot hold a job and I am attending college primarily to calm my parents. There is like a 5% chance that I am able to hold a job. But I really don't believe in it. I even considered finding a partner at college an easier goal to achieve. Well my brain protests against that. Having a crush can induce psychotic symptoms this is why after the first interaction they usually consider me insane. It is quite painful because these symptoms would get way less if the trust level increased. But I never come to that point.
So I am eagerly studying at college to hopefully keep my GPA of 3.9. just as a boost of my self-confidence. I still feel pretty much like an imposter who does not deserve such good grades, (I am studying only part-time because my mind is too fragile). I am fixated on the exams. But when I think on the meta-level about it everything seems to be so meaningless. My therapists would say they are proud about all the progress I have made. Though I think my core issues are far from being solved. So first of all I am pretty sure I cannot work which makes the degree close to useless. But even without that. Without the support of my family I could not keep my shit together. Never never will I be able to have a job and doing all my chores in the household. I will never be capable of that. Moreover bipolar disorders usually proceed in cycles and I plan to kill myself after the next crash. I just cannot stomach that insane pain once more. There are also other issues like the unfulfilled desire for a partner but the whole situation is just so hopeless. Besides I am scared about addiction because for real without the addictive medication I would have relapse within the first semester. It is rather a miracle I could postpone my demise this long. Someday my unsolved problems will haunt me. And I know what is awaiting me. I will probably kill myself when my mom dies. There are also other scenarios.
Life seems sometimes so unreal. I am worrying all the day about my fear to fail these exams though for real I have way way bigger problems. Though maybe it is better to live for the moment. I mean I cannot change the outcome of my life anyway. I keep playing this game as long as the pain is endurable. But if I relapse there are barely any reasons not to kill myself.
It is a weird feeling that my friends at college don't know anything about my suicidality or child abuse. I would be curious how they would react to it. Though I don't want that they worry about me. My best friends outside of college know the full truth. But it would interest me how shocked they would be about that fact. My friends at college don't question my sanity at all. The crush I have well she considers me nuts.
I could go on with my rambling but there is no point to do this.
I am studying pretty hard currently. Though the last semester was a different dimension. I almost relapsed this is why I took this semester less courses and the workload is less painful. I am pretty focused on writing good grades. Though they are kind of useless. My energy to be this good stems from internalized self-hatred, OCD behavior, manic symptoms which fuel my drive to study, child abuse related to studying.
In front of other people in college I often act like my life was good and that there is a future for me. Though this is not true. I think I cannot hold a job and I am attending college primarily to calm my parents. There is like a 5% chance that I am able to hold a job. But I really don't believe in it. I even considered finding a partner at college an easier goal to achieve. Well my brain protests against that. Having a crush can induce psychotic symptoms this is why after the first interaction they usually consider me insane. It is quite painful because these symptoms would get way less if the trust level increased. But I never come to that point.
So I am eagerly studying at college to hopefully keep my GPA of 3.9. just as a boost of my self-confidence. I still feel pretty much like an imposter who does not deserve such good grades, (I am studying only part-time because my mind is too fragile). I am fixated on the exams. But when I think on the meta-level about it everything seems to be so meaningless. My therapists would say they are proud about all the progress I have made. Though I think my core issues are far from being solved. So first of all I am pretty sure I cannot work which makes the degree close to useless. But even without that. Without the support of my family I could not keep my shit together. Never never will I be able to have a job and doing all my chores in the household. I will never be capable of that. Moreover bipolar disorders usually proceed in cycles and I plan to kill myself after the next crash. I just cannot stomach that insane pain once more. There are also other issues like the unfulfilled desire for a partner but the whole situation is just so hopeless. Besides I am scared about addiction because for real without the addictive medication I would have relapse within the first semester. It is rather a miracle I could postpone my demise this long. Someday my unsolved problems will haunt me. And I know what is awaiting me. I will probably kill myself when my mom dies. There are also other scenarios.
Life seems sometimes so unreal. I am worrying all the day about my fear to fail these exams though for real I have way way bigger problems. Though maybe it is better to live for the moment. I mean I cannot change the outcome of my life anyway. I keep playing this game as long as the pain is endurable. But if I relapse there are barely any reasons not to kill myself.
It is a weird feeling that my friends at college don't know anything about my suicidality or child abuse. I would be curious how they would react to it. Though I don't want that they worry about me. My best friends outside of college know the full truth. But it would interest me how shocked they would be about that fact. My friends at college don't question my sanity at all. The crush I have well she considers me nuts.
I could go on with my rambling but there is no point to do this.
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